


The Smeet

by Ladyanaconda



Series: The Smeet [1]
Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Babysitting, Fatherhood, Fluff, Gen, Headcanon, Hilarious, Humor, Irken, Other, eventual bonding, skooge only appears briefly, smeet-sitting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-06-27 14:59:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 42,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15687765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladyanaconda/pseuds/Ladyanaconda
Summary: Though the rather old-fashioned practice of reproducing biologically and raising the smeets by hand is often considered retrograde and unorthodox, a small percent of the Irken population still did it. Not all Irkens possess the long-run patience to go through this, however.At least Red thought he didn't.And yet now he finds himself with a newborn smeet he must look after. Will he succeed without going nuts? How hard can it be?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, for some reason I came up with this while watching a few episodes of IZ, particularly Backseat Drives from Beyond the Stars, and I JUST had to get rid of this plot bunny. It was a bit hard getting used to the humanistic nonsense-driven style of IZ, though, since I tend to write a bit more seriously, but it was worth a shot.
> 
> Besides, turns out it's funny to torture the characters in that universe, maybe because they're already pretty tortured by their own creators XDXD.
> 
> Enjoy!

Though the rather old-fashioned practice of reproducing biologically and raising whatever smeets came out of the _act_ by hand is often considered retrograde and unorthodox, a small percent of the Irken population still did it.

They lived in a separate part of _Irk_ , granted to them by one of the previous Tallest to keep a better population check without mixing up the genetically enhanced smeeterie-made smeets with ones that were birthed in natural form; in this case, the DNA was not as flawless and possessed the normal quantity of possible mutations or defects.

In other words, naturally born Irkens-also known as womb-birthed- were considered _weaker_.

There were many other unique aspects of birthed smeets. As mentioned before, due to lacking the genetic splicing which removed any 'unnecessary characteristics' these smeets took longer in developing. They could not walk or even talk without being taught, much like other less-developed species. They were completely dependent on their parental-figures for even the simplest needs.

Not _all_ Irkens possessed the long-run patience to go through this.

At least Red thought _he_ didn't.

And yet here he was with a few months-old smeet under his care.

Of all the things that could possibly go wrong, _this_ _one_ took the cake. If he had to choose between Zim and the smeet…. No, wait, the smeet was a _joy_ compared to Zim. Heck, even a psychopathic giant spacial squid would be a joy in comparison to _him_.

But that didn't really make him feel better.

And Purple was _not_ helping.

"Coochie-coochie-coo!" He held out a chocolate doughnut a few inches away from the smeet's face. "Here, have a treat!"

Red raised an eyebrow. It was the first time he _ever_ offered a _doughnut_ to anyone. Most of the time he'd swat Red's hand when he tried to grab one.

The smeet didn't have the expected reaction. Her big, blood-colored eyes just stared up at it from the basket she arrived in, but she made no attempt to grab it.

This let them both know this one was birthed-naturally. That, and the fact she couldn't use the toilet and instead required to have a diaper changed everytime nature's call came in.

Besides, she was so tiny (she'd fit in Red's open palm) it would have taken her about a year to finish that single donut.

"Why didn't you tell me you were a daddy?" Purple asked, genuinely curious as to why his friend had hidden such a thing from him.

" I just found out! Come on, you know I was never the ladies man!" Red snapped. It was an understatement, of course, he sucked when it came to courting.

"Then _where_ did she come from?"

"How am I supposed to know? It's not like I could ask the guy who brought her!"

"Well, perhaps if you hadn't thrown him out of the airlock so soon…"

"That's not the point! The point is what I'm supposed to do with _that_!" he pointed at the smeet, who was currently entertaining herself by suckling on her foot. "And how can I really be certain she's actually _mine?_!"

Purple looked at the smeet, then back Red. "You two look pretty much alike, if you ask me."

"She has the same eye color, it doesn't prove anything!"

"If you want to be certain, you could consult the DNA databases," Purple suggested, munching on the rejected donut. "You know, even if she was born-naturally surely the DNA of both parents are registered."

That was simple enough.

Red took out his tablet and scanned the smeet, who stared at the black square-shaped thing curiously.

Regardless of how smeets were conceived and brought into the world, the DNA used in their creation was registered by the Control Brains to keep track of which genes were the fittest to continue the species.

Sometimes when a female Irken wanted smeets without a partner, or the male in a couple had a faulty genetic which didn't allow him to fertilize his mate, they could resort to artificial insemination, in which a randomized male's sperm was used for fertilization. Because of this many Irkens were fathers without even knowing it.

Much to Red's dismay, his DNA matched with the smeet's. "Oh, sweet Irk…"

"What does it say?!" Purple couldn't contain himself any longer and tried to take the tablet from his co-Tallest, leading to a small skirmish.

"Hey, why are you so interested in it?!" Red snapped, trying to keep the tablet away.

"Come on, it's not everyday I find out I might be an uncle!"

"If I tell you, will you leave me alone?" He sighed. "It _matched_ , okay?. Unfortunately, that smeet _is_ mine."

Purple said nothing. He just stood there with a blank expression.

"Purple?" Red waved a hand in front of his face to see if his reacted. "Hello? Still in there?"

He jumped back in surprise when out of sudden Purple yelled in ecstasy and ran down the corridor of the Massive, all the while yelling 'I'm an uncle! Somebody bring me donuts to make a toast!'

Red let out yet another, long sigh. Great, now everyone in the Massive would know about it.

Well, he could still see who the mother was to give the smeet back to her, though he wondered why it had been brought to him in the first place. The Massive was no place for a smeet so young, much less one who'd take too long in developing properly.

With that in mind, Red lowered his gaze to the tablet to read the procreation report.

_Mother: Kit_

_Assignation: Scientist_

_Height: 112 cm._

_Status: Deceased._

_Notes: Body could not endure the conditions of natural birthing and subject passed shortly after smeet's delivery._

Oh.

Well, _that_ explains it.

Red couldn't help but feel bad about the smeet. As he looked down at her, he noted she had fallen asleep, probably out of boredom. Well, given that he couldn't give her back to her mother for obvious reasons and he wouldn't be able to give her away either (they were galactic miles away from Irk), there was no other choice but to keep her.

There was a problem, though: he knew _nothing_ about taking care of smeets. He considered it a female thing, and plus he'd be too busy eating snacks while overseeing Operation Impending Doom II. Besides, since he never had any progenitors himself he didn't even have a basic knowledge of how it was done.

Red was brought out of his thoughts when suddenly the smeet started to cry hysterically.

"No, no…!" he said awkwardly, motioning his hands up and down slightly. "Don't cry…!"

Of course, it worked _wonders_. Panicking, Red searched through the tablet for any sort of instructions as to how to make a smeet stop crying. The first article online he found explained that smeets could cry for various reasons, but the most common were either hunger or the need of a diaper change.

"Oh, sweet irk…" Red gulped. "I hope it's the hunger thing."

He had to pick up the basket and carry it to the bridge, where the smeet's crying instantly caught the attention of the crew (and irritated them). Purple had been stuffing on the 'toast' donuts when he heard the loud cry and spotted his co-Tallest bringing the basket with the smeet in it.

And she clearly was upset for something.

"Why is she crying?!" Purple inquired as he covered his ears, trying to speak over the loud wailing.

Red couldn't hear him properly, given he was the closest to the 'source'. "WHAT?!"

"I said WHY IS SHE CRYING?!"

"I DON'T KNOW! SHE JUST STARTED OUT OF THE BLUE!"

"HOW DO WE MAKE HER STOP?!"

"WELL, I READ SHE'S EITHER HUNGRY OR WANTS A DIAPER CHANGE!"

The words 'diaper change' sent a shiver down Purple's spine. "HOW DO WE KNOW IF IT'S EITHER OF THOSE?!"

Red looked around the bridge and pointed at a random navigator. "YOU! COME HERE AND TAKE A SNIFF AT HER DIAPER!"

Said Irken went pale. "B-But My T-Tallest…!"

"NOW BEFORE SHE DRIVES US ALL INSANE!"

With no other choice, the navigator trembled as he walked closer to the basket, having to cover his ears. Closing his eyes shut, he took a quick sniff of the wailing smeet.

"WELL?!"

The navigator couldn't answer; he had collapsed unto the floor, his leg twitching.

That could only mean one thing.

"Oh my irk…" Purple groaned in dismay before glancing at his partner. "Did that thing say how to change diapers?" He had momentarily forgotten Red had trouble hearing him due to the smeet's wail.

"WHAT?!"

"I ASKED IF YOUR TABLET SAID HOW TO CHANGE IT?!" Purple yelled.

Red glanced around. "DOES ANYONE HERE KNOW HOW TO DO IT?!" of course, all he received was shrugs, confused glances and dismayed head shakes. Well, at the very least he needed somewhere to put the smeet meanwhile. "BOB, GET YOUR TINY ASS OVER HERE!"

The little service drone moved closer as fast as his current posture allowed him to without dropping the glasses he had on top of him. Sadly, as soon as he stopped next to his leaders Red shoved aside the glasses, seemingly not minding them breaking unto the floor and spilling their contents.

Red picked the screaming smeet from her basket and placed her on top of the table, where she wiggled and continued to 'demand' it was changed.

"WHAT NOW?!" Purple asked again.

"WE SHOULD DISTRACT HER WITH SOMETHING! I DON'T LIKE TO BE YELLING LIKE THIS!" Red stated matter-of-factly.

"WITH WHAT?! IT'S NOT LIKE WE HAVE A SECRET STASH OF SMEET TOYS SOMEWHERE!"

Looks like they'd have to improvise. Grumbling, Red made his way out of the control room, and a few seconds later he returned with a hastily-made rattler.

At least, the others thought it was _supposed_ to be a rattler. It was consisted of a spoon and a hollowed-out glass ball filled with beans joined together with adhesive tape.

"Hey, smeet, take a look at this!" Red said as loudly as he could, shaking the 'rattle' just on top of her head. "Here's a nice toy for you! How about I give it to you if you stop screaming!"

Thankfully, it seemed to catch her attention. She stopped crying and looked up at the 'rattle' curiously, even holding up her short little hands at it.

If silence and peace were pleasant before, now they were _paradise_. Some in the room even imagined they were hearing song birds chirping their delightful tunes.

"The smeet stopped crying…" Purple said delightfully.

Red joined in. "It's so tranquil…"

"My Tallest, I suggest we hurry with… _the issue_ before it loses interest in that thing." One of the navigators suggested.

"Oh, don't tell me!" Red rolled his eyes. He knew they were right, though, as far as he knew kids had a short attention span, he better hurry before she got bored. "Okay, then, I guess I have to remove the-!"

"NOO!" Skoodge burst in out of nowhere. "Have you never smelt a smeet's pop?! It's nauseating stench will create a trauma we will never overcome in our worst nightmares!" A lighting clapped inside the control room, startling all the present Irkens.

"Looks like the lighting generator machine needs a little fixing again…" Purple muttered, looking up.

Red merely frowned. "Come now, Skoodge! It's only a smeet, how smelly can she be-?"

He hadn't even finished when he removed the first layer and the room was overwhelmed by a green cloud of the terrible scent.

It was so strong and fetid all the Irken in the room fell to the floor, coughing and gasping for air. Red, Purple and Bob were unfortunate enough to be the closest to the 'outburst', and their nostrils soon paid the price. Their noses and throats felt on fire and their eyes stung with tears.

A dead bird collapsed unto the floor.

"Ernie!" A female Irken cried. "Noooo!"

"E-Every…* _cough_ * Everyone, evacuate!" Purple yelled, then quickly added. "Except you, Bobby!"

Bob merely groaned in dismay, pinching his nose and trying to hold his breath as much as he could.

All the crewmembers inside (except Bob) made a rush for the door, though the Tallest were the first to cross the doorway, and the female navigator from before picked her pet bird before running out.

A while later, Red and Purple took a peek inside wearing gas masks. "Is it over?" the latter asked fearfully.

Red took a few tentative steps inside, approaching Bob and the smeet on top of him. She was still fixed on the 'rattle', but she didn't seem to be disturbed by the smell of her own poop. Maybe smeets were immune to their own odors.

He heard a bubbling sound coming from…

"INCOMING!"

* * *

As ridiculous as it might sound, it took hours for Red to successfully change her.

On his defense, there were many factors involved.

The first was that they had to order some baby powder, napkins and diapers (among other first-need baby stuff) from _Callnowia_ , which took a whole hour to deliver since they were literally on the other side of the galaxy.

The second was that they had to _learn_ how to change the diaper. For that they looked for tutorial videos on _Irktube_ , but Purple got distracted with videos on cake and doughnut decorating, which led to a small skirmish that ended up with the tablet breaking.

Thirdly, one thing was watching how it was done in a video, and another was to _actually_ do it. Red lost Purple when he finished opening the dirty diaper; the sight of the poop was enough to send Purple in a throwing-up fit ( not on the doughnuts this time, thankfully), leaving Red alone with the gruesome task.

And fourthly, Red had trouble with... well, wiping her… _crevice_. He didn't want to give her a crotch-rot and have her crying all day. Then he couldn't open the baby powder because he didn't turn it properly, and when he finally did the top was pointing at his _face_.

And the _top of the cake_ : when _at last_ he managed to change it, nature called again and he had to repeat the same process over again (this included Purple's throwing up spree; he was returning from the restroom when she pooped again, and the smell was enough to send him back inside).

There was a sixth factor involving Bob, but it isn't worth mentioning.

" _This kid is going to be the death of me_ …" Red thought bitterly as he stared at the smeet. She had calmed down and was currently suckling on her foot.

She was hungry. Ha, but this time he _was_ prepared.

It seemed, however, that the smeet loved to spite him.

"Come on, smeetie!" Purple chimed, trying and failing to get the spoonful of smeet food into her mouth. "Here comes the voot cruiser!"

But the smeet moved her head away from the spoon and closed her mouth shut, even managing to spill the contents once.

"Frankly, I wouldn't want to eat this stuff either," Red pointed out, examining the small jar of smeet food. "What is it made of, anyway?"

"I have no idea," now feeling curious, Purple ate the spoonful of food and to his surprise it had a pleasant sour sweet flavor. "Hey, it's actually very good!"

"Don't eat it, it's for the smeet!"

"Well, if she doesn't want it we shouldn't let it go to waste!"

Red rolled his eyes and had to take another spoon, since Purple had contaminated the previous one with his saliva. After swatting Purple's hand away when he tried to take more spoonfuls, he took another with the new spoon and held it near the smeet's lips.

"Come on, kid, it's tasty! Just look at him, he likes it!" Red pointed at Purple as he licked the remaining mash from the usentil. "It's really _tasty_!"

The smeet, however, struck the spoon with her hand and sent the contents flying into her father's face, causing Purple to burst out into laughter, and Red in turn to take a handful of the food and throw it at him.

A while later they found she only ate if she was distracted, so Purple proceeded to make silly faces while Red fed her. It also turned out she had her father's big appetite, she ate about three jars of the smeet feed before becoming quenched. Red was momentarily relieved until she started making funny faces.

"You think she ate too much?" Purple inquired.

Before Red could think of something to say, the smeet let out a burp so loud it shattered all glasses in a ratio of 2km within the Massive.

* * *

What a day.

Despite all that happened, Red _somehow_ still had the energy to get back at his sleeping quarters, carrying the smeet in his hands while her basket was thoroughly cleaned from the issue with the diaper issue.

He wasn't sure on where to put her, though. She was very tiny and could easily get stuck in narrow places she couldn't be reached, though if his hunch was correct she wouldn't be able to move around at all until she was a bit older.

Red made an improvised 'crib' with a small cardboard box and some hand towels. He tucked the smeet in it, placed the crib on his bedside table and collapsed unto his bed, blissfully closing his eyes to sleep, not bothering to remove his armor.

A few seconds later, he was awakened by a whimper. With a groan of dismay he sat back up and checked on the smeet. She didn't smell like manure, so thanks Irk it wasn't her diaper, and she had eaten already so it couldn't be that either. Shrugging, he was about to lay back down again when she whimpered again.

"For the love of Irk, what do you want now?!" Red unintentionally snapped at the smeet out of frustration and tiredness.

She didn't reply, she just kept staring up at him with those big ruby eyes.

The third time he tried to lay back down and she whined again, he had a hunch as to what was wrong. He slightly moved out of her sight, causing her to whimper loudly.

She didn't like it when he wasn't around.

"Kiddo, I'm right next to you, I just want to take a nap." Red tried and failed again to lay down. "Damn it. If _someone_ hadn't broken the tablet…"

Purple's voice echoed from the next room. "I already said I was sorry!"

What to do, what to do…?

Then the smeet decided she wanted to be carried and reached out her tiny arms for her father, whimpering again.

With no other choice unless he wanted her to start wailing again, Red sighed and carefully lifted the smeet from her 'crib'. Both father and daughter stared at each other for a while.

Now he could get a better look at her. She was _really_ tiny, even for a smeet. Just like Purple and other Irken had pointed out, she had his same eye color and his appetite, further proving she was his. He wondered what she had gotten from her mom, if anything at all. The DNA databases didn't have any pictures.

The most noticeable thing was that she lacked a _PAK_. Now _this_ was a surprise, how come she was alive if she hadn't one? Perhaps the people who sent her forgot to put one on her, or HE was supposed to give her one?

Again, this explained her lack of knowledge, speech and all the basic things clone-made smeets could do as soon as their _PAK_ s were put on their spines. He wasn't sure, he didn't know how Irkens who bred naturally dealt with the issue. Perhaps it would be easier to get her a PAK, that way she'd give less trouble.

The smeet got a hold on one of his fingers, giggling at his thoughtful expression.

Red couldn't help but smile a bit at the little one.

Then again, a part of him had always been curious about how it felt to look after someone (Purple didn't count, he was an adult and could take care of himself _95%_ of the time). Besides, she'd lose all the innocence and merely become one more soldier in the armada. Not to mention it was another part of his people's history, back in the days when there were no smeeteries and the population depended on the natural reproduction.

Okay, maybe _that_ part wasn't that appealing, he meant the raising-your-kid-yourself stuff.

It might require a lot of work, but that beaming expression on the smeet's face as he held her, almost as if she were thanking him for it, made it worth it.

He carefully placed the smeet on a small cushion next to him when he lay down again, and she instantly made herself at home in it, though her gaze always remained on her father.

"I guess I should name you, right? I can't call you _smeet_ forever." Red commented without really expecting an answer.

The smeet yawned, snuggling against her father's fingers before falling asleep, sucking on her thumb. Red smiled and stroked her cheek, already thinking of a name.

_Goodnight, my little Ilk._

With that, he closed his eyes and fell asleep.

…...

Five minutes later he felt a familiar stench as Ilk let out a whimper.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, like I promised, I bring you another chapter I just thought of. I mean, turns out this idea has a lot of potential, there are lots of children aspects to cover in here, the latter of which you might see later on.
> 
> Besides, like I mentioned before it's SO fun to torture these characters!

Given that **nobody** in the _Massive_ had EVER taken care of a birthed-smeet, everybody just assumed it just had to be fed and changed and then left alone to sleep.

Ilk soon proved them wrong, however.

Her needs went beyond just eating, sleeping and diaper-changing.

Remember the article that said there were MANY reasons smeets cried which weren't only restricted to hunger and poop? Well, Red started finding out little by little what those other reasons implied in the following days.

If she wanted attention (his in particular), she cried.

If something hurt or she felt ill, she cried.

If she was scared, she cried.

If she was tired, she cried.

And the list could go on. It was becoming annoying to many, but nobody dared to complain (except Purple).

However, soon he started to note that Ilk wailed and behaved in a particular way for every need. Her ' _I'm hungry_ ' cry was repetitive and low-pitched while putting fingers in her mouth. The ' _uncomfortable and/or tired_ ' cry was whiny and continuous, building in intensity accompanied by yawns.

He managed to identify seven types of cries, but he had to write them down since it was a bit too much to remember. The two most common were the hunger and tired ones.

There was also the cries he couldn't identify. Those didn't match with any of the seven types, and it was a nightmare to figure out what she wanted. He wondered how come she didn't get a sore throat from all that screaming… OR her throat WAS sore and that was why she was crying. Did it even make any sense?

Ah, but in his opinion the worst type of all was the tantrum she threw if she was, for one reason or another, awakened from sleeping.

After the 'device to look for information in the web-thingy' was fixed, Red looked for some more information and learned that smeets slept most of the time except when hungry or in need of a diaper change. _But_ they got really upset if they were externally awakened from their sleeping hours.

He initially thought it was merely an exaggeration until last night, when a simple, goddamned notification in the data pad was enough to startle Ilk awake, which sent her into a screaming fit. It took him nearly the whole night, a warm bottle of smeet formula(which he had to go make to the kitchen personally because none of the cooks knew how to make it) and lots of cuddling to lull Ilk back to sleep.

Sadly, this cost him his own sleeping hours.

"Want a doughnut?" Purple asked him as he came into the bridge, looking exhausted (and he was).

It was the _second_ time he offered a donut. Wow.

Red shook his head. "Nah, I'm fine." he half-lied, even though the bags under his eyes said the contrary.

"Are you sure? You look like a zombie."

"Zombie? What in tarnation is that?"

"A sort of… undead human that eats brains."

 _Undead_? "How can something be… _undead_? As far as I know, once you die that's it."

"I don't know, Zim mentioned it on that holloween transmission."

Red felt a shiver. "Don't remind me…" It was irritating enough that Zim was calling every two days-or thankfully longer-to recall _that_ particular transmission.

"So how's Ilk doing?"

"She _finally_ fell asleep," He directed the next words to all the navigators. "So you better not make any noise!"

" _Yes, my Tallest…"_ was the response in a low-voice. They didn't need to be told twice.

Sadly, the long-distance communicator started beeping. "My Tallest, we have an incoming transmission from…" the navigator grumbled. "Earth."

Right. Zim's call of the week. Sometimes they wondered why they hoped he had somehow dropped dead when at least three days passed without him calling. Well, the sooner they subtly told him to 'go to heck', the better. "Answer it." Purple said, rather reluctantly.

He regretted it almost instantly.

Though it wasn't Zim on the monitor (thank _Irk_ ), there seemed to be a sort of party on the other side. The TV was on at the top volume, along what seemed to be a big stereo that was playing that awful human music. _GIR_ was on the floor, laughing his non-existent lungs out while going in circles.

It was so loud everybody in the bridge had to cover their ears.

"WHAT ON IRK?!" Red yelled.

Seconds later, the big-headed human boy ran into the living room chased by none other than Zim, who was holding a primitive-looking weapon in a pole. Apparently they were so distracted (and the noise was so loud) they didn't notice they had a disturbed audience.

Judging by this, it seemed one of them had dialed by accident.

"SOMEBODY CUT IT OFF!" Red yelled, while glancing in the direction of the doors. For the first time he thought it was a bad idea to put the Tallest's quarters so close to the control room.

"T-THERE SEEMS TO BE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, MY TALLEST!" the irken in charge of the communication said loudly, repeatedly pressing the button to cut off the call, but for some reason it wasn't working.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'A PROBLEM'?!"

"THE BUTTON ISN'T WORKING!"

Purple groaned in frustration, hovered down to the control panel and started repeatedly pressing the button to end the transmission, but again it didn't work.

" _GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, DIB-WORM!_ " Zim screamed in the transmission.

" _WHAT?!"_ The big-headed boy yelled.

"WHAT IN IRK IS WRONG WITH THIS BUTTON?!" Purple snarled.

Finally, Red snapped. "WHERE'S THE REMOTE?!" If Ilk awakened with all this noise, hell would break loose. Again. "WHOEVER CAN FIND IT BEFORE ILK WAKES UP WILL GET A FREE DONUT!"

"WHAT?!" Purple screamed.

Of course, before he could counter back all the navigators had already scrambled out of their seats and frantically looked around for the remote. The doughnuts were a luxury only the Tallests had access to, so it was quite the reward.

Red covered his ears again, all the while glaring at the monitor, particularly at Zim as he ran around holding the stick with a sharp metal up, trying to swing it on top of the big-head's skull. He wondered if he really was such an idiot that he hadn't noticed they were in the middle of a transmission.

Seconds later, Zim's gaze casually fell on top of the monitor, and he finally realized they were live. " _M-My Tallest_!"

"ABOUT TIME!" Red yelled. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

" _N-nothing to worry about, My Tallest! Everything's under control!"_ Zim lied, throwing the weapon away and out of sight.

Somewhere in the background the big-headed boy screamed. " _NOO! My hair!"_

Meanwhile, Purple was almost literally fuming at the button's stubbornness. "ARGH, STUPID BUTTON!"

"ZIM, END THE TRANSMISSION NOW!" Red ordered.

" _WHAT?_!" Zim asked. Evidently he didn't understand what he was just told. " _WOULD YOU MIND SPEAKING A LITTLE LOUDER, MY TALLEST?!_ "

"END THE TRANSMISSION!"

" _MEND MY ADMISSION?!_ "

" _YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS, ZIM!_ " Out of the blue, the Dib-worm lunged at Zim (was it Red's imagination or the scythe on his hair was gone?) and the two started sparring on the ground.

It was an utter _chaos_. The ridiculously loud music, Purple cursing the button endlessly as he pressed it almost frantically, the navigators looking around for the remote in a frenzy, Invader Skoodge and Bob(somehow) dancing in the background, Zim and the big-head fighting and arguing on the ground.

It was a miracle Ilk still hadn't started screaming.

Fed up, hysterical and already irritated due to the lack of sleep, Red finally snapped.

"EVERYBODY _QUIET_!"

Time seemed to a halt; the music on the other side of the call stopped abruptly and everyone stopped what they were doing to warily stare at the fuming Tallest. A falling pin would have made a long echo if there were pins available.

One of the napkins on top of Bob was blown off and it felt to the ground with the tiniest of sounds.

Ilk's wailing echoed within the _Massive_.

* * *

After the previous day's fiasco, everybody made sure to stay at least 5 meters away from Red.

He simply was not in the mood to deal with anything (the only exception was Ilk, for pretty-evident reasons), he wasn't even done recovering from the pandemonium. Said pandemonium caused him a big migraine that further soured his mood.

He locked himself in his quarters and ordered that no one disturb him unless it was a life or death situation, such as running out of snacks, or something like that.

Whenever he was like this, the only person who was able to go near him and _might_ live to tell the tale was Purple.

"I take back what I said yesterday. _Now_ you look like an authentic Zombie." He commented, taking another spoonful of smeet food (what? It's tasty).

"What did I tell you about eating Ilk's food?" Red growled from under his blankets.

"We can always ask for more. Besides, I think we got enough to last her half her lifetime."

Red didn't reply; he grit his teeth when his head pulsated with pain again. Damn it, he hadn't felt like this since the academy days, in the mornings after a party.

Again it took him the whole night to calm her down, but now it included a diaper change (for that purpose they used one of the less-occupied infirmaries that casually had those yellow suits for toxic thingies)and some extra cuddling.

Now _he_ was the one who needed a long nap.

Ilk started to stir awake, but she did not cry. Instead she looked around, probably she was wondering where Red was. Purple noticed and quickly went to pick her up before she started wailing; the last thing his friend needed right now was Ilk's crying.

Of course, being very young and lacking a _PAK_ to rationalize stuff, Ilk didn't understand that. She reached out for Red, whimpering.

"Right now daddy's a bit… indisposed, Ilk." Purple whispered to her.

"That's okay, just place her on the bed," Red said simply. "She's starting to crawl, anyway."

"She is?" Now _that_ was something he wanted to see.

Purple placed Ilk on top of the bed, and like Red said she started crawling… or rather, it seemed she was still getting the hang of it. Her movements were clumsy and on more than one occasion she accidentally rolled onto her back and was unable to get back face down, so Purple had to help her.

He found it rather cute, however.

Finally, she managed to arrive to her father's head, letting out a few coos and squeaks.

"Hi, sweetie." Red said, managing to give her the tiniest of smile despite his throbbing headache.

What she did next stunned the two Tallest.

Ilk's tiny arms tried to hug her father's head (and failed miserably due to the considerable difference in size) while rubbing her cheek against his, letting out purrs. It was almost like she _knew_ somehow that he wasn't feeling well, and was trying to comfort him.

"Well, would you look at _that_?" Purple whispered in awe. "Where's the tablet! I have to record it!"

Red ignored him as he started looking around the room for the data pad, and instead focused his attention on Ilk as she continued to purr. Was this how birthed smeets behaved normally? Or was it a unique trait belonging to her?

A few hours later when he felt a little better (enough to go to the kitchen for a bag of chips and a soft drink) he did a bit of research when Purple finished _awww-ing_ over the recorded interaction and went to get some doughnuts.

There were lots of videos on _Irktube_ featuring birthed-smeets. Turns out they are quite… _unique_. At days old they showed certain traits; some were aggressive and nibbled unto their progenitor's fingers, others were smart and spent hours playing with toys. Despite all the interactions, he didn't find any of the particular behavior he was looking for.

This let him know it might be something unique to her.

Okay, know to test it out.

Currently she was on the bed, playing with the rattle. Red moved in closer to her and started making whimpering sounds.

She looked at him.

Okay, that caught her attention. Red then lowered his head and hid his face into his hands while continuing with the whimpers. He had to contain the urge to take a peek; if she was smart to see weakness, she'd be smart enough to figure out if he was faking it.

A few seconds later he felt her little arms 'hugging' his head and her cheek rubbing against his, alongside the purring.

He was glad Purple wasn't there to record it, otherwise he would have never heard the end of it.

Red lifted his head from his hands and stopped whimpering, grinning down at Ilk. "Gotcha." he chirped.

Oddly she wasn't mad he had tricked her; instead she giggled and clapped, maybe her little mind thought her little tactic worked.

He bet her mother would have been delighted with the 'discovery'.

Speaking of which, perhaps he should try to find out more things about her. Just in case Ilk developed certain habits when she grew up; that way he'd know _where_ to put the blame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's some more info on birthed smeets: they are more capable of showing emotion than their clone-made counterparts. Since they're not given a PAK until later on when they're more emotionally mature, they are less likely to be repressive of their emotions, which in the battlefield is a great disadvantage.
> 
> Yet another reason they're considered weaker.
> 
> I'll give a cookie to whoever can guess where I got the scene from!


	3. Chapter 3

"SOMEBODY STOP HER!"

"IF SHE PRESSES THAT BUTTON WE'RE DOOMED!"

"I-Ilk, come to daddy, sweetie…!"

"SOMEBODY SAVE THE SNACKS!"

"ILK, NO!"

Inside the _Massive_ , something exploded.

* * *

_48 hours earlier_

* * *

About two years after arriving, Ilk mastered the crawling technique and was now bold enough to try getting on her feet. She grew about five inches during that time and her first milk teeth started coming out, much to the dismay or everybody aboard the ship.

The most notable thing was that she could finally eat solid food.

Unfortunately for Red and Purple, though, her favorite food was doughnuts.

And sugar was apparently strictly forbidden for smeets.

It turned out it didn't only apply to smeets, though. Many species through the galaxy forbad giving sweets and candy to children so young due to some 'terrible consequences for health and the parents' sanity'.

"That article say it's a state where children go completely nuts with extra energy-thing." Red said that morning, taking a gulp from his soft drink.

"You mean a sugar rush?" Purple said, correcting him.

"Yeah, that. Apparently, kids are susceptible to sugar and they get extra-hyperactive if they eat too much."

"I'm glad not to be a kid, then." Purple commented, and took a whole doughnut into his mouth matter-of-factly.

They heard a familiar whimper and looked down, finding Ilk clutching to her father's legs, trying to climb up.

"How did you get here, little one?" Red asked curiously.

Lately she had figured out how to climb out of her basket, crawl out of the bedroom and find her way to the bridge of the _Massive_ , where she knew her father and 'uncle' spent most of their time. If Red tried locking the door, she'd fit herself into the ventilation system and somehow find her way to the bridge from there.

He'd blame her mom for making her so smart, but _he_ was smart too. O in this case he could tell it was shared, more on his part, of course.

Red picked her up in his free hand, and she instantly climbed unto his arm and then up his head, where she nibbled on his antennae. "OW! Ilk, what did daddy say about nibbling those?"

"Let me lend you a hand," Purple said, carefully grabbing Ilk by the diaper and managing to get her off Red's head without pulling _too much_ on his antennae. Ilk let out a few growls as she squirmed in protest until she saw the donut bag on her uncle's arm; her eyes instantly lit up and she reached out for it.

"No, no, kids can't get doughnuts," Purple told her. "Hey, don't look at me like that, it's your dad's idea."

Red rolled his eyes. "Geez, _thanks a lot_." He was being sarcastic, of course.

"Okay, how about I take her back to her basket so you can take a break?"

"Alright, just _don't_ give her any." Red narrowed his eyes suspiciously; Purple had the tendency to pamper Ilk a bit too much, particularly in things to which he said NO.

"Alright, mister grumpy." Purple said with a roll of his eyes as he walked out of the bridge and towards Red's quarters.

Ilk's basket was placed on top of a small table. Red didn't place it on his bed because he moved a lot while sleeping, and he was afraid he'd accidentally push or kick the basket off the bed and hurt Ilk.

Purple momentarily placed his bag of doughnuts aside to tuck Ilk into the crib. She had an adorable pout in her face. She already showed signs of her father's personality when things didn't go their way.

"Don't worry, I'm pretty sure he'll let you taste one in a few days." Purple assured her.

He caught the scent of cinnamon rolls coming from the kitchen (it was a sort of innate ability: whenever anyone was making pastries, his favorite snacks, he could smell it from miles away, just ask Red), and that was enough to send him into an excited frenzy. He darted out of the room, completely forgetting about the bag of donuts he had placed on the table, right next to the crib.

A few hours later Red hovered into the room, taking some more slurps of his soft drink. When he went over to the basket to check on Ilk, his hold on the drink slipped and it fell to the floor, spilling its contents unto the ground.

The basket was empty, just like the bag of doughnuts next to it.

* * *

_24 hours remaining_

* * *

" _ **I TOLD YOU NOT TO GIVE HER ANY DOUGHNUTS!**_ "

"I didn't!"

" _ **OH, SO THE DOUGHNUTS JUST GREW LEGS AND WALKED AWAY?!**_ "

"There were cinnamon rolls involved! _Cinnamon rolls!"_

Their subordinates shivered when they heard their leaders arguing, and made sure not to get caught into the crossfire.

Red growled in exasperation and went back to searching the kitchen area. If he knew her well, when she got hungry she'd come into the kitchen looking for more doughnuts.

He was worried. It had been almost a whole day and he had no seen her; she had gotten inside the ventilation system and moved throughout the Massive through there, which made it harder to keep track of her. The 'hyperactivity obtained through the sugar in the donuts-thingy' also boosted her speed considerably.

But hey, in the end he couldn't blame Purple for forgetting the bag. Cinnamon rolls were _cinnamon rolls_ , after all.

"My Tallest, here she is!"

Both Red and Purple rushed over to the cook who had cried out; he was pointing at one of the openings of the ventilation system, which had been pushed open by Ilk.

Speaking of Ilk, currently she was inside chewing on a brownie doughnut.

"Hey, sweetie!" Red called for her, holding out a hand for her. "Come to daddy!"

She growled at him to protect her 'treasure' and continued nibbling on it.

"Wow, she really got your temper!" Purple pointed out, munching a cinnamon roll.

"Seriously?! Are you eating now of all times?!"

"Hey, we've been looking for hours and I'm hungry!"

Red glanced at the cinnamon roll Purple was eating. "Somebody pass me a cinnamon roll!" One of the kitchen assistants grabbed the tray and took it closer to the Tallest, who grabbed one and put it in front of the opening as a bait before moving out of sight and motioning the others to do the same.

Soon enough, when Ilk finished her brownie-doughnut she sniffed the air and found the pleasant smell was coming from the mysterious, swirly-looking pastry outside. In less than two seconds she had pounced on it and ate it.

Moment Red took advantage of to catch her. "Gotcha!" he cried triumphantly, but then Ilk started squirming in his hands like never before, letting savage growls.

"So _that's_ a sugar rush!" Purple said in awe.

Red nearly lost his grip on Ilk, but thankfully he got her back in time before she slipped. "Calm down, young lady! You've had enough candy for one day!"

"What do we do now?"

"I guess we'll have to wait till the effect wears off."

"And how long will it be?"

Red turned to one of the cooks. "How many doughnuts do the bags usually have?"

"Twenty five, My Tallest." the cook responded.

"I ate five the day before." Purple added.

"Great, she ate twenty doughnuts. We'll be lucky if it wears off in a _week_!"

Purple laughed. "Oh, come on. It's not like she'll have the energy of a hundred Zims, right?"

* * *

_1 hour remaining_

* * *

"Damn it, she has the energy of a _thousand_ Zims!"

Given they couldn't leave Ilk alone lest she escape into the ventilation system again, Red had to put her in a smeet-leash (he got the idea form one of Zim's transmissions, when he accidentally paid attention to him). Ilk clearly wasn't happy with it and was constantly crawling around, tugging at it and snapping at whoever came too close.

She still didn't show signs of the sugar rush wearing off, she was almost like a bullet running around her father, climbing unto Red and biting into his antennae (harder this time), though Purple was also a victim to this a few times since he was constantly eating something; she had already sent him to the infirmary a few times while trying to obtain his snacks.

So now Purple kept his distance a bit, at least until she calmed down.

And now that the sweets were out of reach she was nibbling unto Bob's leg to vent off her frustrations.

"Speaking of the terrible two." Purple commented.

"Terrible two?" Red inquired curiously.

"Well, it seems that human smeets get just like this when they turn two Earth years old. That age is referred to as the 'terrible two'."

"How do you know that?"

"I was looking for snack decorations on the intergalactic web, and I casually found the term ."

Ilk eventually got tired of Bob's horrible taste and started crawling around in circles, almost on all fours like that Earthen canid humans kept as pets. It was almost amusing… until Bob took notice of something.

"Um, My Tallest…" he tried to speak.

"Bob, I thought we already had this conversation." Red rolled his eyes, chewing on a donut.

"B-But My Tallest…"

"Tables don't speak."

"But…"

" _Don't_. _Speak_."

Bob would have kept insisting, but a part of him wanted to see the event unfold, perhaps out of spite due to the terrible treatment. Oh, who was he kidding, he was dying to see this!

Ilk had moved around her father and 'uncle' so many times the leash had tangled up around them; the moment she made the final pull, Red and Purple were abruptly pulled together with a yell of surprise as the leash wrapped around them in the manner of a rope.

"What on Irk?!" Purple cried out, just as they lost their balance and fell to the ground with a loud thud, calling the attention of their subordinates.

Ilk chewed on the collar of her leash and somehow managed to bite if off. With her newfound freedom she started running around the bridge, successfully dodging all of the hands that tried to catch her.

"Well, don't you just stand there!" Red snapped. "Somebody get her! And untie us while you're on it!"

"I'm feeling something humid..." Purple muttered.

"Don't tell me that when we're _so_ close!"

"Not _that_ type of humidity, I think I fell on top of your drink!"

Before someone could even approach and cut them free, suddenly the ship jerked to one side, sending its crew flying against the wall. "What on irk…?!" Purple hadn't finished the sentence when the ship jerked to the opposite side, again sending the passengers flying leftwards.

Ilk had found the _Massive_ 's remote controller and started playing with it.

To whoever doesn't know, the Massive's Remote Controller-or _MARC_ for short(yeah, it sounds like a dumb human name, but nobody could come up with anything better) was a sort of back-up driving wheel in case the principal controls of the Massive were unusable, broken or otherwise.

It was made after Red spilled his soft drink on the ship's controls once, leaving the _Massive_ stranded for a week until they were fixed.

To a human it would look like one of those remotes with joysticks and colorful buttons they use to play their 'video games'.

And currently it was in the hands of a sugar-rushed smeet, who was toying with the joysticks and pressing random buttons while giggling.

"NOT THIS AGAIN!" Purple screamed after crashing against the wall for a fifth time, recalling when Zim had hacked the Massive's powercore. But at least he had _known_ what he was doing; Ilk simply thought the controller was a toy.

If being thrown around the ship like ragdolls was painful enough, being thrown while bound together was the low point. Finally, Red used some scissors from his _PAK_ to cut himself and Purple free, then extended out the spider legs to move over towards Ilk across the wall.

Good thing about the _PAK_ 's spider legs: their edges were so sharp they could attack themselves to any surface, even if the surface was abruptly sending things flying.

The only problem was avoiding the crewmembers who crashed against the walls.

"ILK!" Red called out to his daughter in panic. "Don't play with that!"

Of course she didn't listen. She pressed random buttons, firing some of the _Massive_ 's weapons and wiping out a considerable part of the Armada. When she noted her father was about to catch her, she probably thought he wanted to play tag, so she quickly ran out of reach, holding the _MARC_ in her teeth.

"Damn that controller!" Red snapped. "Whose idea was it?!"

" _ **YOURS**_!" Purple cried in reply as he was thrown against the wall, and Skoodge and Bob landed on top of him.

Oh. Well, he'd berate himself for such a bad idea later. First he had to make sure Ilk wouldn't wipe out their armada.

After fifty-five minutes of a cat-and-mouse-like chase around the bridge (time during which most of the crew had passed out and were limply thrown around, and the _Massive_ ended up near the _Conveyor Belt Planet_ ), Ilk finally lost interest in the controller and dropped it, bringing the massive to an abrupt halt; Red barely managed to avoid collision with a much smaller, silver-colored ship that flew by like a shooting star.

The crewmembers were thrown against the visor one last time (Purple, Skoodge and Bob had the bad luck of being at the bottom of the pile) before finally sliding down back to the floor, all groaning in pain, at least those who still were conscious did.

However, Ilk's attention was now set on a bright, flashy red button in one of the main consoles.

Instantly the crewmembers who were still conscious panicked, Red included. Not _THAT_ button.

"SOMEBODY STOP HER!"

"IF SHE PRESSES THAT BUTTON WE'RE DOOMED!"

"I-Ilk, come to daddy, sweetie…!" Red cried out, moving over towards the smeet.

Purple screamed. "SOMEBODY SAVE THE SNACKS!"

Ilk was one inch away.

"ILK, NO!"

She pressed the button.

Something inside the _Massive_ exploded.

* * *

Red hated to admit this, but sometimes he and Purple didn't have the best ideas.

Just look at this mess: the kitchen, the mess hall and many of the armories were flooded in frozen yoghurt thanks to that little incident with the red button. It would take weeks to eat it all (what? They wouldn't waste it after all the trouble they went through to obtain it!), and many of the crewmembers were still trapped under it. A few had been rescued, but they had to be sent to the infirmary to be thawed.

Why did they put the button in the bridge in the first place? Well, let's say they didn't like to go all the way to the kitchen if they craved for a bit of their frozen yoghurt.

"Too bad we couldn't get irkberry flavor, but it's not that bad." Purple commented, taking a yoghurt spoonful of his bowl.

Red didn't reply; he was too occupied keeping Ilk in his hands, even though she was still thrashing and reaching out for the bowl of yoghurt. "Just keep it away from Ilk, okay?"

"Will you stop acting as if it were my fault?"

"Oh, really?" Red frowned. "Who left the doughnuts right _next_ to her basket?"

" _Cinnamon rolls_!"

Ilk's squirming was getting uncomfortable; she nearly slipped from her father's grip, but thankfully he managed to catch her back just in time before she could make a run for the yoghurt. "For the love of Irk, when will the sugary-thing wear off?!"

One of the scientists who was casually passing by overheard him, and commented. "Well, how long it's been since she ate the doughnuts?"

"Two days." Purple said casually, with his mouth full of yoghurt.

"Well, in that case, it should wear off in three, two, one…"

Almost as if on cue, Ilk stopped squirming (and moving altogether) and went limp on her father's hold, snoring lightly. Red sighed in relief. _Thank Irk_.

"What now?" he asked.

The scientist explained. "Given that she didn't sleep for two days due to the sugar giving her extra energy, expect her to sleep the whole day."

This time, all the crewmembers in hearing range sighed collectively in relief themselves.

Red sighed, this time out of dismay, and went to his quarters to tuck Ilk into her basket. This time, though, he made sure there were no snacks or sweets near her or within reach, though if the scientist was correct she'd sleep through the day, which gave them about 24 hours of _blissful_ peace and quiet.

Still, he gently stroked Ilk's head as small sign of affection before leaving.

Once she was certain her father was gone, Ilk opened her eyes, took out a tiny bit of cinnamon roll out of her diaper (it was still clean, in case anyone cared) and started munching on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NEVER give sugar to kids.
> 
> What can I say? This was bound to happen, especially given that the ship's filled with snacks and sugary foods.
> 
> See ya till next time!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a brief summary: With Zim so far away it's impossible for him to ruin anything regarding Ilk... right?

f there was something every parent-human, Irken or otherwise- expected with eagerness was the moment their child uttered their first word.

Red was more in-between, though.

You can't blame really him. As mentioned before, this new 'looking after your offspring yourself'' thing was entirely new to him. He loved Ilk but at the same time she was driving him-and everyone else in the ship-nuts, to put it simply.

He stopped himself before even thinking of comparing her to Zim, however. That _never_. His cute, innocent little Ilk would never be something like Zim. No sir, not as long as he was the Tallest!

Anyway, putting the topic of Zim aside, Red knew he had gotten attached to Ilk from that first moment he held her close and she had smiled at him. It was a strange feeling in his squeedily spooch… The only two Irkens that had made him feel any sort of genuine love/affection thingy were Purple and… _Miyuki_...

Damn it, even coming close to remembering _her_ made his squeedily spooch squirm in pain.

Still, those type of feelings were usually foreign to a smeetery-born Irken. They lacked parent figures to display and teach affection, and _PAK_ programming usually pushed aside or completely repressed said feelings to prevent them from hindering the soldier's efficiency in combat.

There were other emotions, such as loyalty and camaraderie, that _were_ allowed moderately. Such an example was the case with Red and Purple's almost brotherly-like relationship and undying loyalty to each other, even though they had quite… strange ways of showing it.

It was an almost natural thing on Ilk, however, given that she lacked a _PAK_ programming.

Showing concern and interest for Red when he got ill was only the beginning. She displayed affection to him and Purple(much to the latter's delight) openly through hugging and rubbing, and she also showed a certain likeness for certain others, such as Skoodge, Bob and (as ridiculously unbelievable as it sounds) even _Zim_.

How did _this_ calamity happen? It started with the first word she uttered.

"Come on, Ilk! Can you say 'Purple'? I'll give you a donut!"

Ilk merely blinked, staring up at her uncle in confusion.

"Will you leave her alone already? Besides, I _forbad_ you and anybody on this ship to give her any sweets until she's grown up! Especially _you_."

"Will you get over it? It was a month ago!"

"It's hard to forget when your kid wipes out a third of the Armada and nearly crashlands the _Massive_ against the _Conveyor Belt Planet_ , don't you think?" Not to mention the report they got about a great number of Screwhead slaves escaping on a ship, presumably that silver-colored cargo that flew past them during Ilk's… playtime.

He started wishing it had crashed against the _Massive_.

"Come on, she ought to start talking soon, and I want her first word to be her favorite uncle!"

Red rolled his eyes. "First of all, you're her _only_ uncle. Second, I'm her _father_ , so naturally her first word will be _me_."

Purple smirked. "Wanna bet?"

Ilk merely watched the exchange, her eyes ever curious.

"Fine. I bet _half_ of my personal doughnut supply that I will be her first word."

That surprised Red. Purple's own doughnut supply was _sacred_ , _nobody_ (not even Red) but him was allowed to touch it. They weren't ordinary donuts either; they were of a _very_ limited edition that included all of Purple's favorite flavors. The fact he was willing to risk half of it was a bit intimidating.

Ah, but he wasn't going to be left behind.

"Fine. In that case, I'll bet half _my_ cinnamon roll supply."

If Purple had a thing for doughnuts, it was nothing compared to Red's cinnamon rolls. Those had been made by… _Miyuki_ herself, especially for him before the incident. Before becoming a Tallest she was known for making exquisite pastries, but not many got to try them.

She only baked for people special to her.

Which is why it was a complete shock he was willing to part with them too.

Both seemed hesitant to go forward with it, but in the end they shook hands.

The wager was set.

Afterwards, they'd spend hours trying to get Ilk to say their names through different methods; bribing, begging, inverse psychology (what? Red had read it worked wonders with kids), but she was indifferent to them.

Instead, whenever she was by herself in Red's quarters while her father and uncle worked, she'd go grab the data pad and look for videos on _Irktube_. Yes, she was _smart_ enough to do that already. Her favorite videos were of Zim blowing stuff up, finding them funny even though she didn't really understand what was going on in there.

But she was also smart enough to keep that a secret from her father, having guessed from his reactions whenever Zim called that he wasn't fond of the _irken who blew things up_.

A few days later, she crawled her way into the bridge again just when Zim was making one of his transmissions. She noted how her father and uncle Pur's moods always seemed to go south whenever he showed his face in the big monitor.

She, on the other hand, giggled.

Unfortunately, this also called the attention of Skoodge. "Ilk? What are you doing here?" he asked, though he didn't really need an answer to that. She was looking for her father.

Red and Purple were so irritated out of their minds they hadn't heard her. "So you want to bring back the bunch of bones called dinosors?" the latter said unenthusiastically.

Apparently, Zim had watched a 'documentary' in which the humans somehow brought back extinct giant lizards from Earth's early days through the use of DNA inside bugs, and in the end said giant lizards ate the humans who revived them. It wouldn't be a bad idea if it weren't coming from _Zim_.

" _Yes, My Tallest!_ " Zim finished enthusiastically, not noticing the lack of it in his leaders. " _I have already collected a bunch of those bones and with the use of DNA I shall make an army of giant lizards to take out the humans!"_ He followed with his usual laughter, making Ilk laugh in delight.

There were so many things wrong with that Red wouldn't have known where to being, but he played along. "I see," he noted the _SIR_ unit they had made out of garbage parts was chewing on some long bones. "You mean _those_ bones?"

" _What_?" Zim turned around. " _GIR, stop eating my lizard making bones!_ "

" _But I got something in my teeth!_ " _GIR_ whined.

" _You don't even have teeth!_ "

Resuming what happened afterwards: Zim tried to take the bone from GIR, they accidentally pressed a button, and five seconds later Zim was running from a _very_ big and very angry dinosor while GIR started making a tower with the rest of the bones.

Yup, the usual.

"Should we end it?" Red asked casually.

"Just a bit longer, maybe he'll get eaten." Purple commented, munching on some popcorn and watching the scene play out in amusement. "Somebody record this! We might win an _Irktube_ playbutton with this one!"

Remember the videos of Zim blowing up stuff in _Irktube_ mentioned earlier? Courtesy of the Tallest, who liked to share Zim's misery with the rest of the Empire. And their channel, _1000 Ways Zim Ruins Anything_ , was among the most popular.

Skoodge had been so entertained watching Zim's misery that he forgot Ilk was there, and she made her way to her father, tugging unto his robe.

Red looked down in surprise. "What are you doing here, Ilk?" She held up her arms to him. Sighing, he picked her up in his hands.

"Ohh!" Many of the crew members whispered when the sharp-toothed dinosor closed its jaws with Zim inside, only to whine in disappointment when Zim somehow manage to push them open again.

" _NOBODY EATS THE ALMIGHTY ZIM—!_ " he was cut off when the lizard closed its jaws again.

"Woohoo, come on, giant meat-eating lizard! You almost got him!" Purple was cheering for the dinosor, even waving a small brown flag with its head.

Unfortunately for him, it seemed even the dinosor found Zim inedible and proceeded to spit him out into the floor, sticking out its tongue in disgust before walking away, stepping on top of Zim without a second thought.

The whole bridge let out whines of disappointment.

"So close…" Purple muttered.

Even after being squashed by a giant lizard that seemed to weight more than eight thousand kilos, Zim lifted his bruised head and broken arm and gave his Tallest a thumbs up. " _It's perfect… Zim out, My Tallest..._ " He let his head and arm fall back to the ground with a groan of pain before the transmission cut off.

"Well, look on the bright side, we got another video." Red added upon noting his friend's sore expresion.

"But we were so close of getting rid of him… _again_!" Purple whined.

"Who knows? Perhaps his plan _will_ work this time."

Both Tallest remained silent for a few seconds before bursting out in laughter.

"Ziiiimmm!"

The laughing stopped.

The navigators and crewmembers turned to the smeet in Red's hands as she pointed at the black screen. Slowly, Red and Purple lowered their gaze to stare at Ilk in shock.

"Ziiiiimm!" She parroted, clapping her hands. "Ziiiiiimmm!"

Bob snickered in delight at the Tallest's faces, but the rest of the irkens were staring in apprehension, especially when they saw Red's right eye twitching. The crewmembers had an idea as to what would happen next and covered their ears. Ilk followed their example and covered her ears even though she didn't know why.

* * *

On Earth, Zim lifted his gaze towards the starry night sky. Was it his imagination, or had he just heard the Tallest's voices calling his name? Probably his imagination.

"Onward, Rexy!" He pointed from the back of the tyrannosaurus rex, who continued on its rampage through the countryside, chasing after some furry sheep.

* * *

He _couldn't_ believe it.

Of all the things Zim had to ruin, his daughter's first word was the last straw.

He didn't even know it was possible for him to ruin even _that_.

On the bright side, though, since none of them had won, it meant none would have to part with half their personal pastry supplies. Still, Red was so mad it didn't give him much comfort.

"Ziiiiimmmm!" Ilk repeated again, mimicking her father yelling a while ago.

"Well, at least someone's having fun." Purple sighed, taking a bite from his caramel-brownie doughnut.

"Hopefully in a few years she won't remember it." Red uttered.

"Speaking of which, can you believe it's been two years?"

"Ah, time passes rather quickly when you're busy changing ridiculously toxic diapers."

"It hasn't been that bad. Besides, that poop did turn out to be useful."

Red snickered. "You mean the… 'present' we sent to the Resisty?"

"Yeah! They technically begged us to take them out of their ship in exchange of their surrender!"

"Too bad they got away. I was planning to torture them a little more."

"Ziiiiiimmm!" Ilk repeated, struggling to climb unto her father's lap despite the height difference.

Red sighed in dismay as he gently pulled her unto his lap. "I know, sweetie."

"Well, I'm going to get some more cinnamon rolls," Purple announced, walking towards the door. "Want something?"

"Nah, I'm fine for now. Besides, I don't want any sweets near Ilk for ' _you know what'_."

Purple rolled his eyes one more time as he left.

As soon as they were alone, Red made sure to lock his door and headed over to his wardrobe. Yes, he has a wardrobe, he might have to wear the armor most of the day but even he needed to take a break from it every now and then, thank you very much.

He wasn't going to change outfits this time, though.

Instead he pressed a secret button hidden behind one of his robes, making a smaller section of the wall open up.

After ingressing a password ( _IhateyouZIM#_ ), getting a hand and eye scan and many other things too personal to mention, one final secret door opened at the bottom. It was like a big refrigerator, and it was filled with cinnamon rolls.

Why did he take so much trouble in hiding a bunch of pastries? The bluish hue in the dough says everything.

Besides, even though he and Purple made a solemn pact not to eat the other's secret snacks, he knew Purple could be unreliable when his sweet tooth was involved, so better safe than sorry.

Red tenderly grabbed one of the cinnamon rolls and then closed the secret door until next time. He only took one roll in either special occasions or when he was feeling so down/upset he needed something to keep him going.

He didn't immediately gobble it down like he did with other snacks. He took one bite at the time, savoring the swirl of flavors that came with each. With every tasting waves of memories returned to him.

_Here, I made these for you._

_Cinnamon rolls?_

_It's my own secret recipe. That way you'll think of me when you eat them._

" _And I do, Miyuki_." Red thought forlornly.

"Dada!"

Blinking in surprise, Red quickly turned to Ilk, who was crawling towards him on top of the bed. But she didn't realize the bed was higher and she fell off the edge, hitting her head on the floor.

Red immediately rushed to the smeet when she started to cry and picked her up, holding her close.

"There, there, it's okay!" he shushed her. "It's okay, here's daddy…" It had been two years, and yet he still felt a tiny bit of awkwardness whenever he comforted it like this. It was more of an unconscious thing, though.

He had mostly gotten used to it, but _PAK_ programming and Irken mentality regarding open shows of affection weren't easily forgotten either.

Ilk snuggled against her father's chest, sniffling.

Red thought for a moment. Glancing at the last bite-sized piece of blue cinnamon roll he had placed in his desk. Would it hurt if he...? He had properly read about sugar in infants, and a very _tiny bit_ was allowed.

Besides, he guessed she needed some cheering up.

Red tentatively hovered over to his desk and took a tiny piece from the cinnamon roll. "Hey, Ilk, look at this," he chimed, holding the crumb just above the smeet's head. "It's a blue cinnamon roll."

Ilk sniffed the air and lifted her gaze; her eyes lit up and she reached out for the small piece of the pastry, only this time she did manage to take it. When she tasted it, she got ecstatic and started to eagerly eat it. Once she was done with it, she hugged her father.

"Dada…" she said.

Red smiled as he ate the last remaining piece himself. Too bad the bet wasn't vigent anymore, Purple would have had to give him half his doughnut stash.

They were both startled by screams from the outside, and suddenly someone banged against the door.

"RED, OPEN UP! THEY'RE COMING!" It was Purple, and he sounded scared out of his wits.

Confused, Red unlocked the door and Purple burst in, carrying lots of doughnut, chips and popcorn bags. Without giving an explanation, Purple pressed a red button with the words 'PANIC BUTTON' next to the light switch; the door, ventilation openings and any other potential entryway into the room were blocked by three layers of reinforced titanium walls.

"Pur, what on Irk?!" Red asked.

Purple went to the corner of the room with one of the doughnut bags and started munching on them. "T-They're coming..!"

"What?! Who is coming, what are you talking about?!"

"T-They're big, scaly, and they are after the doughnuts!"

"Who?!"

Whatever Purple wanted to say was muffled by the great amount of doughnuts he was chewing in his frenzy.

Realizing he wouldn't get a straight answer from Purple in that state, Red grabbed his tablet and checked the security footage of the corridor outside; he was always prepared just in case there was a security breach or some assassins came to end his or Purple's lives. They had lots of enemies, after all.

Outside he saw about five creatures similar to the giant lizard that nearly ate Zim, except these ones were much smaller and sleeker (though almost the size of the Tallest themselves), and their claws were sharper.

They were roaming just outside the door, one of them was inspecting an empty bag of doughnuts, apparently trying to lick the crumbs in it while the others banged against the door.

"What the-?! What are those things?!" Red yelled.

This time, Purple did swallow the doughnuts to speak clearly. "I don't know! They just appeared out of nowhere, went into the kitchen and started eating all the snacks! I managed to save what I could, but one of them spotted me!"

"Great, then you led them right to us and now we're trapped here!" Red pointed out with an irritated look.

"Well, on the bright side we won't need to worry about starving." Purple pointed out, lifting a bag of chips.

Ilk climbed unto her father's head, and pointed at the lizards. "Ziiiiimm!"

Red grumbled under his breath. "Yes, sweetie. I have the feeling _Zim_ is behind this."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I admit it, I was watching Jurassic World when I wrote this chapter, and I just couldn't help it. I think the Irken would have the technology to bring back the dinos with DNA, I mean their whole breeding system consists of cloning, so...


	5. Chapter 5

While not having a _PAK_ revealed a new side of smeets, it also had its disadvantages physically speaking. It meant the _PAK_ -less smeet in question wouldn't be able to heal as quickly, and was more susceptible to viruses and infections, leading to illnesses, which in turn led to endless wailing.

That's what most initially assumed regarding birthed-smeets, that they'd cry endlessly while ill.

They were wrong.

No one noticed something was wrong with Ilk until Tenn came to feed her (Red and Purple were away at that time, their presence was required on Irk to deal with… something) and Ilk refused to eat. It was then that Tenn also noticed she was pale, and when she touched her she was _boiling hot_.

Everybody in the _Massive_ panicked. If Tallest Red returned and found his daughter in that state he'd look for someone to blame; but if he found out they didn't inform him of this it would be much worse.

He _hated_ to be the _last_ in finding out about anything (ask Purple, he can tell you).

Ilk was immediately taken to the infirmary, where the scientists ran tests and many other science-stuff to try and figure out what was wrong with her, but overall WHY she was sick. Meanwhile they tried to keep her temperature estable, but still it was dangerously high. Ilk whimpered constantly, refusing to eat and sleep.

Meanwhile, the Invaders drew heights to see who would be the one to inform the Tallest what was going on the next time they called to ask how Ilk was doing. Unfortunately for Skoodge, _he_ was the shortest.

He stood nervously before the transmission screen as the call was taken and the Tallest appeared.

" _Alright, where is my baby girl?_ " Red chirped, expecting to see Ilk giggling and holding out her arms to him, only to find Skoodge. " _Oh, it's you_." he said, disappointed.

Skoodge automatically saluted. "G-Greetings, My Tallest!"

" _So, where's Ilk?_ " Purple asked, munching on some chips. " _It's been already been three hours and I miss her_!"

"W-Well, Ilk's…" Skoodge's tongue knotted (literally).

" _Well, don't you stand there! Go fetch Ilk so I can see her beaming little smile!_ " Red snapped impatiently.

"I'm afraid there's a little… problem, My Tallest…" one of the navigators quickly added before he lost it, if only to give Skoodge a few more seconds of life.

" _What do you mean with a problem?_ " Red snapped.

Purple shrugged. " _Let me guess, she crawled into the ventilation system again? Just put a donut in the opening and she'll come crawling before you can say 'sweet irk'._ "

"It's not that, it's…" Skoodge gulped. Bob stepped unto his foot, making him blurt it out already. "SHE'S ILL!"

Purple nearly choked on the chips and Red spat a mouthful of soda before roaring. " _WHAT?!_ "

"Shesreallyhotshewonteatandshesintheinfirmary!" Skoodge blurted out too quickly, but the Tallest managed to hear the word infirmary. WIth that, the transmission was cut off on the other side, meaning the Tallest were on their way back to the _Massive_.

In less than five minutes (it helped that the _Massive_ was stationed in Irk's atmosphere) Red's angry voice could already be heard within the Irken flagship. "WHERE IS SHE?!"

"My Tallest, calm down-!"

"DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! TELL ME WHERE MY DAUGHTER IS BEFORE I THROW YOU ALL OUT OF THE AIRLOCK!"

"She's in the infirmary, but- My Tallest!"

He ignored him and practically _flew_ at top speed (Irk bless the hoverbelts) all the way to the infirmary, not bothering to wait for Purple as he struggled to catch up. Perhaps he should consider working out again… No, what was he thinking?! Sweet Irk, he was so worried he was speaking nonsense.

Red burst into the infirmary, startling the scientists inside, but he didn't care about them. "WHERE IS ILK?!" The head doctor pointed a trembling hand towards the small medical capsule she had been put in.

Seeing her pale, barely breathing and with lots of cables broke Red's heart. He hovered towards the capsule, resting his hand on the glass.

"Be careful, My Tallest!" one of the nurses said hurriedly. "We don't know what she has or if it's contagious!"

His expression hardened as he glared at the nurse who had spoken. Thankfully Purple finally caught up before any blood could be spilled. "What is going on..?" he asked between pants, even snatching a soda from one of the doctors to drink it.

"How did this happen?" Red asked, his tone dark.

Tenn was pushed forward by the doctor; she been the one to find Ilk in that state, so it would be better if she explained what had happened (besides, it gave him a chance to run in case the Tallest reacted like he thought he would).

Tenn tried to speak calmly, but it was hard when her leaders were giving her questioning looks. "I was g-going to feed her, but… She wouldn't eat, and she was boiling hot, a-and…"

"So you had to do with this?"

"N-No, My Tallest, I swear…! She was fine the night before…!"

"Aha!" One of the doctors exclaimed after examining his data pad. "I think I found the source of the problem!"

Purple momentarily left his eating spree (everyone deals with stress in different ways). "Don't keep us waiting, what does she have?!"

Red didn't even give the doctor time to read the information before snatching the data pad and reading it himself.

_**Drilo's disease is a condition which happens at most once every thousand years in the Dylinae system, afflicting only individuals with low defenses.** _

"Hey, we're passing right through there, aren't we?" Purple asked, to which he received nods. "Ilk doesn't have a _PAK_ and is more susceptible to germs and bacteria, that would explain why she's the only one afflicted."

"Let me finish this, would you?!" Red snapped, and continued to read.

_**In conjunction with the level of carbon dioxide emissions from the planets, birth rate of the local space-squid and the timing of comet dust in the atmosphere, an astrological placement crates the catalyst for the disease to be born when a silakka tart is baked at the perfect temperature.** _

"A what?" the crowd asked outloud, unfamiliar with the term.

"Oh shi-!" Purple covered his mouth in alarm, but it was too late. Red turned to him.

"Why did you almost curse? Do you know about it?"

"Well, when we made a pit stop in one of those moons, one of the bakeries had a particular pastry. I tried it and I liked it so much I bought a lot, she must have found them in the kitchen!"

Red had no time to reprimand Purple; he had already flown out of the infirmary, down the hall, into the cafeteria and then into the kitchen, where he found a green, odd-looking tart near the opening of the ventilation system, and it had been bitten by a tiny mouth.

With a growl, Red took the tart and threw it into the incinerator. When he returned to the infirmary, Tenn was reading the information on the tablet now.

_**Once the outbreak occurs, the infection must be prevented.** _

"What happnss once yo get infcted?" Purple asked with his mouth full of curly fries.

Tenn skipped forward to that part, and her eyes widened. "Your body eventually withers and dies…"

"WHAT?!" Red snatched the tablet from Tenn and read it. It couldn't be, surely she had misread! Or maybe it was the wrong one… But the symptoms matched and the word _die_ wa right there.

"Come on, surely there's a cure, right?" Purple pointed out. "I mean, what kind of disease doesn't have a cure? Besides, we have lots of vaccines here."

"My Tallest, the issue is it's the first time we've ever dealt with this one in particular," the head doctor explained. "We don't have any sort of vaccine that might cure her, and there's no time to test them out from the information provided."

Red continued to read the article on the tablet until he came to the 'treatment' section.

 _ **Five items are needed to create the antidote: one flake of snow that falls from the pine woods in planet Caphractus, a scaleberry leaf blown off by the winds of planet Midosis, droppings of a newborn drakevern native from Palustris, blue mushrooms from Siamensus**_ (At that point, Purple commented "Okay, does anyone have the non-verse version of that article?") _**and the rare and apparently ordinary Moondrop Flower found only in Sobr.**_

At the mention of Sobr, the Irkens froze in utter shock and… don't say this outloud, _fear_.

There was a reason they had never passed near this system before. If there was something that could actually strive fear into an Irken, or any species in general, it was the Sobrekt.

The crocodilian inhabitants of Sobr were famous across the galaxy for being brutal and effective fighters, splicing technology with swordsmanship and other forms of combat considered defunct or retrograde by other civilizations who relied solely on technology.

Not to mention the Sobrekt were not in good terms with the Irken Empire; at some point in the past one of the previous Tallest marked Sobr for conquest, but the Sobrekt sent the head and _PAK_ of the Invader assigned to their planet in a silver tray; literally, they beheaded him, separated his _PAK_ from his body, put them both on a tray and sent it to the Tallest Tower as a warning.

_Don't even think about it_

Sobr had been left alone by the Empire ever since.

"Let me get this straight: to obtain those ingredients we have to sneak into the territory of one of the most aggressive and blood-thirsty civilizations in the galaxy?" Purple asked, resuming the whole issue.

"Looks like it." The head scientist stated.

"Prepare my ship." All heads turned to Tallest Red, who was staring into the wall with a serious frown.

"Are you serious?!" Purple asked incredulously.

Tenn intervened. "M-My Tallest, with all due respect, it would not be wise to venture into Sobrekt territory without-!"

Red turned and glared at Tenn. "I don't care if I have to go into those damn crocodiles' jaws, _I_ _will_ _save my daughter_!"

The following silence was only broken by the constant beep of the machine connected to Ilk, showing her vital signs. After a while, Purple stepped forward.

"Red, I cannot allow my co-Tallest to go on a potentially suicide mission by himself," then he glanced at Tenn. "Go with him, Tenn."

She was going to offer to accompany him anyway, but this worked too.

Later, though, after some arguing and discussion, both Red and Purple realized it would take too long(yes, in the end Purple chose to accompany his co-Tallest personally so he wouldn't take all the fun by himself) if they went to each planet one by one, so it was decided that they'd send a team to each planet to retrieve the required ingredient, while the Tallest themselves would obtain the flower.

He almost lost Purple on that one, but Red didn't trust the others to actually obtain it. Besides, for the first time in his life he wanted to actually do something instead of just snacking around when this was something he should do himself.

It was his daughter's life that was on the line.

Before departing, Red went to see her one last time. She was still weak to the point the doctors had to put serum unto her given that she wouldn't eat anything. However, Ilk seemed to note his presence, and she barely managed to lift a little arm to him. "D-Dada…"

It broke his squeedily-spooch to see her in that state; ignoring the doctor, he opened the capsule, gingerly picked Ilk up and held her close to his face, rubbing his cheek against her tiny head as a show of comfort, just like she had once done.

"I'll be back soon, I promise…" he whispered.

"Dada…" Ilk repeated, whimpering as her father placed her back on the capsule and left the infirmary, more determined than ever.

* * *

Given that the only Irken that ever came to Sobr was beheaded before he could even send in his first report, they had no idea of what would await them on the planet.

It was almost like Red expected it, though. The topography consisted mostly of swamps and marshes, with dry prairies and forests every here and there. For the time being they hadn't seen any cities; better.

He landed the cloaked Ring Cutter in a portion of dry terrain, just in the area where the flower supposedly bloomed. But it turned out it would be harder to find it, since it was a one-of-a-kind plant and only one existed in the whole planet.

The plan was simple: find the flower and leave as quick as possible.

Red was the first to step out of the ship, plasma guns in hand. For the first in a long time, he was actually _stepping_ on the ground, not hovering. In fact, he was wearing battle armor instead of the usual. One could never be prepared when it was the Sobrekt involved.

"EW!" Purple hissed in disgust after stepping unto some of the muddy water, and shook his foot in an attempt to dry it. "Why couldn't the Sobrekt live in a beach?!"

"Lower your voice!" Red hissed. "If the Sobrekt find us sneaking around here without having asked for their permission, it will be our necks! _Literally_!"

"Sheesh, I bet the others are having it easier than us!"

* * *

_**Caphractus** _

Tenn and Skoodge literally trembled with chattering teeth as they stared up at the snow gathered in the trees. The cold wind was blowing, but it didn't look like any snow would fall anytime soon.

"There's snow all over, why don't we just take it?!" Skoodge stuttered.

"The recipe said it must fall naturally or else it is rendered ineffectual." Tenn responded, rubbing her forearms.

A few seconds later, Skoodge kicked one of the trees in an attempt to speed up the process, causing a great pile of snow to fall and bury both him and Tenn.

"Skoodge!"

"At this rate we'll be popsicles!"

* * *

_**Midosis** _

Grapa and Stink had been watching the bush of leaves for what felt like hours, but not a single breeze had yet blown. In fact, there didn't seem to be any goddamn wind in this goddamn planet.

A few seconds later, Grapa gave a loud sneeze, causing all the leaves to be blown away.

"I couldn't help it!" Grapa protested when Stink glared at him.

Before they could argue, though, a big swarm of insects emerged from the now leafless bush, causing them to scream and run away.

* * *

_**Palustris** _

"Okay, this is the plan. You distract it, and I collect the droppings."

Larb gulped. "Why must I be the one to distract it?"

El rolled her eyes. "You're shorter than me, so technically I outrank you."

"It's only by two inches!"

"Less complaining and more distracting!"

Larb gulped and tiptoed to the big, dragon-like beast napping inside the cave...

* * *

Ignoring Purple's whines, Red silently motioned him to follow and not make any noise even if he stepped on a pool of acid; it wasn't likely, but you get the general idea. But he did agree about the Sobrekt's habitat being disgusting.

Oh, when they conquered this planet (the Sobrekt would have to make a mistake sooner or later) they'd turn it into a beach resort!

If they made it alive, that is. No, stop thinking negatively, they would find that flower and go back to Ilk. She was counting on them, and he wouldn't let her down.

Red was constantly checking his map to make sure they were going in the right direction, and that there weren't any Sobrekt around. Purple watched both their backs and continued to complain about the terrible atmosphere and the dirtiness; in a low volume, this time.

Eventually they came to a big, netted wall made of an unknown metal. Purple picked a stick and threw it to the net, where it was electrified. "Looks like climbing with the _PAK-_ legs won't be an option." he said.

"Why would they bother to put an electrified unless they want to keep something on the other side?" Red inquired.

"...Or something _outside_?"

"What do you mean?"

"What could be so important that they'd use such a security measure? I mean, who would want to come to this place _at all_? This means there's probably a settlement of some sorts up ahead that needs protection."

"Only one way to find out." Red said, bringing out the small jets from his _PAK_ to lift himself off the ground and over the fence, followed by Purple. After landing back on the ground (though Red's jets malfunctioned a bit at the last second and he fell on his rear with a loud thud), they resumed forward, following the route traced in the map.

Purple stopped when he spotted red spots approaching in the maps, and heard footsteps coming from the swamp. "Red…"

"I know." Red replied before both activated the camouflaging on their armors and turned invisible. Both remained completely still when the steps became louder.

Three large beings that looked like anthropomorphic crocodiles passed in front of them. They wore dark armor made with an unknown material to the Irkens, but which some said was amongst the most resistant. Their bodies were thick and muscular, Red was sure they could move a voot runner if they wished to.

These were the Sobrekt.

The third one stopped and glanced in the two Tallest's direction, sending shivers down their spines. Purple's panic began when it approached him with narrowed eyes and slit pupils, almost thinking it knew he was there. The idea to run was _very_ appealing right now, especially when the Sobrekt sniffed the air and he felt his hot breath against his face.

 _Purple, don't move a muscle._ Red thought.

Oddly, it was a sort of… quirk both Tallest had. It was almost as if they could communicate telepathically _without_ telepathy, merely guess what the other was thinking. They had known each other for so long, after all, that they knew everything about each other. In fact, Red could almost hear what Purple would reply. _Oh, sure, since you don't have jaws with sharp teeth a few inches from your face…!_

Thankfully, the other Sobrekt called to this one in their native tongue, and he walked away from Purple to follow them into the swamp.

Red had an idea as to what was about to happen, and walked closer to his co-Tallest just in time to catch him as he fainted from the fright. Later he'd claim he was just taking a break, he didn't 'faint from being scared out of his wits

They continued on their way, and eventually came to a part of that was not a marsh (thank Irk!), instead it was a small clearing with grass and colorful flowers. But the one that caught their attention was the white glowing, lily-like flower in the center. Red checked the image of the Moondrop Flower in the data pad, and then looked back at the lily in front of them.

This was what they were looking for.

"Well, that was easy," Purple said. "Let's just pluck it and get off this Irk-forsaken rock."

"Wait, we can't just pluck it off the ground, we have to dig it out with roots and all or it'll wither."

"Oh, sorry, I think I forgot back my gardening stuff back at the _Massive_."

Red rolled his eyes. He approached the silvery flower carefully, taking out a big spoon and a large boot (they had to improvise, given that they lacked any gardening supplies, like Purple just mentioned).

" _Get your filthy feet away from that flower, Irken._ "

What both Tallest feared had just passed; they were surrounded by Sobrekt, all aiming electric spears at them and snarling. The same one who had scared Purple into fainting stepped forward, snickering.

Red and Purple subtly activated their translators through their _PAK_ s; they didn't need the Sobrekt to think they didn't understand their language without it.

"Well, well…" The Sobrekt said with a toothy grin. "What do we have here?"

"We want no trouble!" Purple said, lifting his hands in panic.

"It's a curious claim, considering you landed in our homeworld _without_ permission and now you try to steal from us." The crocodile said, crossing his arms.

"Come on, it's just a flower, will it kill you if we just borrow it for a while?"

While Purple continued to dialogue with the captain (at least, they thought he must be one), Red tried to think of a way out of this. They were completely surrounded, and from what he heard the Sobrekt were famous for tearing limbs from enemies with their bare jaws. But he bet they didn't know where their ship was. Subtly, he pressed a few buttons in his gauntlet.

"Don't even try it, Irken," one of the guards snapped, pointing the tip of his spear at Red.

"I see your leader sent taller Invaders this time," the captain said, eyeing them curiously. "Though I'm intrigued, usually only one is sent. Or perhaps he hoped two heads would be better than one?"

Another Sobrekt snickered. "Literally, I can't wait to see his face when he gets two pairs this time."

Red and Purple exchanged a glance. They thought they were Invaders? Then again, not many would believe the Tallest themselves would actually take an active role on a mission. Perhaps it would be best if they remained in the dark.

Besides, he needed to buy them time until the ship came.

"This is just a big misunderstanding," Red said, passing over the boot to Purple. "We really don't wish to cause trouble," he subtly whispered to his companion. " _Get ready to dig that flower out._ "

With that look in his eyes Purple could tell Red already had a plan.

"That's exactly what the last one said," a third guard commented. "That's what the record says, right?"

A younger Sobrekt was checking on their version of a data pad. "Yeah, here it is. _I'm not looking for trouble, I was just here on a… tourist visit._ Really, that was so unoriginal it gave his intentions away."

"How was it unoriginal? Didn't you think that perhaps he was here only on vacation?" Red pointed out.

"An Irken trying to pass off as a member of the dominant species on a foreign planet and asking questions regarding defense on vacation?" Captain scoffed. "How stupid do you think we are?"

Neither Red and Purple needed an answer to that, considering one of the Sobrekt was distracted with a sort of butterfly-like bug and another was making origami figures with leaves.

Captain muttered something and snarled at the outsiders. "Look, I'm feeling rather… generous today. Get away from that flower and I will consider only sending a _leg_ to your Tallest."

"Well, I would like to indulge that petition, but I'm afraid someone _very_ important is counting on me," Red said, glaring at Captain. "So I'm afraid I'll have to decline."

At that precise moment, their Ring Cutter burst through the foliage and sent the Sobrekt flying along with the trees.

"PURPLE, NOW!"

Before the Sobrekt could recover, Purple had already dug out the flower and put it on the boot. Red shot a few guards who did manage to get back on their feet, narrowly avoiding being bitten in the head by one before both jumped into the ship and took off, laughing.

Captain stared in shock at the place where the flower had once been, before looking up and glaring at the ship with slit pupils.

_As it is now, it will not remain._

* * *

Red and Purple burst into the infirmary, panting and with their feet covered in mud, but there was a triumphant look on Red's face as he held the boot with the Moondrop Flower inside.

"Alright, we went to swampland and came back for this," Purple said in between pants, still trying to shake the mud off his boots. "What do we do now?"

The other teams were also there for other reasons apart from delivering their respective ingredients. Tenn and Skoodge were wrapped in blankets, shivering and blowing their noses with napkins. Grappa and Stink were covered in rash and red sting marks (though it was even worse on the former). Larb's body was completely casted on top of a capsule, while El only had a few minor scratches.

Ilk was still on the capsule, and she seemed to have been tranquilized.

"We shall begin working on the cure, My Tallest," the doctor said. "It may take a few hours, however, so you may want to… Well, take a break."

"Sounds good for me! Tell me when you're done, if you need me I'll be taking a _long_ bath." Purple announced as he left the infirmary, and on the way out added he'd also have some doughnuts to forget the terrible, near-death experience.

"I don't mind waiting," Red stated. "I want to make sure she will be okay," he narrowed his eyes. "We just probably provoked the most dangerous species in the galaxy for that, so you better not screw up or you'll be the first I'm sending against those lizards."

Gulping, the doctors carefully took the flower along with the rest of the gathered ingredients and started to work on the cure.

Meanwhile, Red sat down next to Ilk's capsule and watched her sleep, again placing his hand on the glass. Eventually, though, the exhaustion, stress and lack of snacks were too overwhelming and he fell asleep against the chair.

Eventually, he was awakened by little hands touching his face... As he came back into consciousness he saw a big pair of red eyes staring up at him. _Dada…_

"Ilk?" Almost immediately he stood up, holding his giggling smeet in his hands. "Ilk, you're okay, sweetie!"

"Dada!" Ilk chirped, holding out her hands for him.

"Oh, sweetie!" he didn't care if anyone was watching, he nuzzled his daughter's belly in a playful manner, earning another fit of laughter.

"Um, My Tallest…" the head scientist said awkwardly, unused to seeing Tallest Red in such an… affectionate state. "Sorry for interrupting your reunion, but we'd like your permission to run some tests on what's left of the flower."

Red _was_ partly irritated for being interrupted, but he couldn't help but feel curious. "Why?"

"Apparently, this plant in particular has unique healing properties. We believe we might find a way to harness this power to the advantage of the Empire, perhaps we might even find a clue regarding the Sobrekt's limb-regeneration."

Red's frown softened as he held Ilk close to his chest. He stared at the flower's remains, the silvery glow gone from its petals and reduced to a withering husk of a flower. Sad, really, but hey, it's only a plant.

They did have a point. Sobrekt were known for natural antibiotics in their bloodstream that kept even the gravest of injuries from infecting, and even if they lost a limb it could regenerate with time; such ability would be useful for Irken soldiers in the battlefield, but the mechanism behind it was a mystery.

"Very well. You may run as many tests as you want, but do not damage it." he said solemnly, before turning around and leaving the infirmary with Ilk.

After all, after such a day both needed a well-deserved bath and a big meal.

If Purple hadn't eaten all the food in the cafeteria, that is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few more facts, some cannon and some headcannons.
> 
> Birthed-smeets are more susceptible to bacteria and illnesses because they don't have a PAK to heal them quickly. Usually vaccines are enough to control the outbreak of diseases, but in this case the sickness was unknown to the Irkens and they had no vaccine for it, so they needed to create one.
> 
> Jhonen Vasquez stated that EARTH water burns Irkens because of all the pollutants it has. From this we can assume that water from OTHER planets, maybe even their own water doesn't burn them. I mean, I think even the Irkens must have a sense of personal hygiene, right?
> 
> The Sobrekt are a species of anthropomorphic-like crocodilians I created. As you read, they are very aggressive and are of the few species the Irken Empire hasn't dared to conquer after the head of the Invader assigned to Sobr, their homeworld, was sent back to the Tallest of that time was a warning.
> 
> We'll be seeing more of them later on. Unfortunately for Red, they are the type to hold a grudge, especially since that flower had an important role in their culture.


	6. Chapter 6

They might hate Zim, but they had to admit he _did_ send interesting stuff.

Humans were inferior and primitive creatures, but certain aspects of their culture were… fascinating. They had invented lots of snacks and pastries, such as 'appll pai', 'chiscak' and 'trimisu'. Purple's favorite human pastry was one that consisted of a sort of pudding made of chocolate with lashings of cream, caramel and something called 'mashmalows'.

Mental note: tell Zim to steal more of those puddings and send them to him.

Red was more interested in human literature. He had read many interesting novels of many genres, his personal favorites being science fiction, which coincidentally depicted many species even though humans have never left their _solar system_. The _War of the Worlds_ was, in his opinion, the greatest of them all, though sadly in the end the martians perished when they had the planet in their grasp.

For what reason?

Bacteria. They were microscopic and carried lots of illnesses to which aliens had no defenses; then he recalled that time Zim was acting like a maniac (well, more than usual) over something called germs, probably cousins to the bacteria.

Another mental note, stay as far away from Earth as possible. Thankfully, Zim would succumb to either the bacteria or the germs soon. Eventually. Right?

Then there were the movies. Most were a bit too cheesy, but just like in the books, some were surprisingly accurate for a species that is mostly ignorant about the universe's diverse lifestyles, like that _Men in Black_ film's depiction of the Insecta race. They weren't actually _that_ bad, though, they were one of the few races in league with the Irken Empire, who provided them with sugar in exchange for information from other planets.

Don't ask how the Tallest were talked into 'sharing' snacks, you _don't_ want to know. Really. Those who did were thrown out of the airlock.

Ilk _loved_ the animated films from that earthen company with the talking mouse, most of those consisted of a sort of damsel in distress that needed to be saved by a 'prince charming' fella. (If that's how that backwater planet saw their females, they _seriously_ were in the hole) and at the end the two exchanged saliva. Puaj!

There were others that were a bit more neutral and didn't depict humans at all, instead focusing solely on their planet's fauna (a whole kingdom of talking animals, who would have thought?).

Red _hated_ those movies, though. He detested the fact that in those particular movies the characters randomly burst into song every five minutes for no apparent reason at all other than the sake of annoying the heck out of the audience. Of course, it seemed he was the only one, there were also the pea-brains who actually liked it. He was _not_ mentioning any specific names… _Purple_. Ilk didn't count, she wasn't a pea-brain, she was just a smeet.

"Bid! Bid!" Ilk repeated as she stared at the screen of her father's tablet.

"What are you watching now, Ilk?" Red inquired curiously as he leaned in from behind.

"Baabiiii!" Ilk pointed at a strange, long-legged quadruped animal with spots on its back. It was staring at a tiny, blue avian that was fluttering around it, calling it 'bird'.

On the bright side, she was learning new words.

"Mind if I join you?" he said, sitting down next to her. It wasn't because he was curious about the movie, of course, he merely wanted to take a look at Earth's fauna and see if they could be useful.

Who knows? Zim's mission might be a fake, but that planet DID seem like a good option for conquest in a few years. Perhaps it could be a pastry factory or a zoo of some sorts, AFTER it went through at least three organic sweeps to get rid of all the bacteria.

Besides, most of his attention was actually on Ilk, as she kept pointing at certain characters and repeating their names.

Then the movie took a rather… surprising twist. The deer-thing and its mother fled from an unknown enemy, then a loud sound echoed in the background, and in the next scene the mother was gone to never appear in the rest of the film. The deer-thing's father said 'Men have taken her'.

Ilk clearly didn't understand it, but Red had an idea as to what had happened. Mental note: delete that movie from the tablet.

After tucking in Ilk for her nap when the movie was finally over, Red went over to the cafeteria to get those silly songs out of his head, but to his bad luck most of the crew (Purple included)were watching another movie, gathered around Stink, who held the irkpad. _I swear to Irk, if it's that stupid crustacean singing underwater again…_

To his confusion, however, many of the irkens were… weeping? What is this?!

"What is going on?!" he asked with a snarl. Irkens _don't_ show weakness in public. Again, Ilk doesn't count, she's just a smeet and it's not really her fault.

"POOR DUMBO!" Skoodge cried, bursting out into a fit of tears and startling Red in the process.

"Who on Irk is Dumbo?!" he asked.

Seeing he'd get no reply, he pushed some soldiers out of the way and took a peek into the screen. There was a big, gray, fat animal with an unusually long nose being rocked in an even longer snake-like nose. "What's the big deal?" he asked, uninterested.

"His mom got locked just for defending him!" Tenn cried out, wiping some tears from her eyes with a napkin.

Larb yelled. "Damn you, humans!"

"We should put THEM in cages to see if they like it." Purple commented, to which he was met with nods of agreement.

Red took a hand to his temples. "Sweet Irk, _we_ do _that_ to inferior species on an almost daily basis, so what's the big deal with one earth-beast being locked up in a cage for her kid's fault?"

"We're not crying for _that_!" Purple exclaimed. "We're crying because that parental female unit is showing a level of affection that's very moving!"

Red blinked. What was that supposed to mean? Well, he better do something before _all_ the crew became mopey.

"Okay, that's enough earthen-movies for you." He said, snatching the Irkpad from Stink and turning it off, earning groans of disappointment.

One of the cooks called from the kitchen. "Everybody, here's another batch of trimisu!"

That was enough to instantly lift the mood, and the crowd rushed to the kitchen counter in a frenzy. Naturally, Purple somehow managed to grab most of the trimisu, leaving only a few pieces to the others, who started fighting for it savagely.

Red rolled his eyes. He'd make sure to delete all those silly movies from the databases; he wished he could say the same for his irkpad, but sadly even if he did Ilk always found a way to download them again.

Perhaps he should consider getting her an irkpad of her own.

A few hours later, after managing to eat some of that trimisu (he could understand why everyone liked it, it _was_ tasty) he returned to his quarters to check on Ilk. Once again, she was already out of her basket, irkpad in front of her, and she was watching yet another movie…

He couldn't believe his luck.

"Seriously? Now you are watching _that_ dumb movie too?" he half-groaned as he approached her.

She didn't pay him any attention. Instead, her eyes were fixed unto the screen; if she were older, he bet she'd be eating a bag of popcorn. Oh, well, since he had nothing to do for the time being, perhaps it wouldn't hurt if he stayed with her a while.

just like he imagined, it was cheesy, defied the laws of physics and involved talking earth-beasts (mainly the 'elfants', as he heard them call themselves). The whole issue was with one that was taken by a bird to its mother, and turned out to have ridiculously disproportionate ears, causing it to be laughed at.

Then the infamous part that got half the crew of the Massive into tears came.

 __ **Baby mine, don't you cry**  
Baby mine, dry your eyes  
Rest your head close to my heart  
Never to part, baby of mine…

To Red's surprise, he didn't find that song annoying, but… endearing. One could feel the motherly love in it…

He found himself sympathizing with that earth-beast; both were parents who'd do anything to protect their kids.

The difference was that he would have vaporized those humans in spot.

He noted how Ilk had stared at the scene intently, watching all those earth-beasts with their offspring have her another shine in her eyes she didn't have before.

When the film was finally over, _thank Irk_ for that, she whimpered.

Luckily, it wasn't her diaper, considering she didn't smell like Skoodge's socks (don't ask how he knew that aroma). He fed her a bit of sweet-feed, but even after that she still whimpered.

"What's wrong, little one?" he asked, holding her in his hands.

"Mama…"

Red swore he nearly had a squeedly-spooch attack. Had she just asked what he thought?

"Mama…" Ilk repeated, rubbing one of her eyes.

"There, there, Ilk, it's okay…" Red said awkwardly, tucking Ilk in her basket again. "Daddy will figure something out." he tried to sound reassuring, but he was freaking out.

Once he made sure she wouldn't leave her basket, he went into the bathroom, locked his door and activated the sound-proof barrier. The last was for two reason: the first one was to avoid awakening Ilk and have her throw another fit.

The second was that he didn't want her to learn any 'bad words' yet.

* * *

He had hoped she didn't really know what a 'mama' was, that she was merely parroting the word and would get over it eventually.

However, soon it became evident she did know the meaning of that word and understood who 'mama' was supposed to be, and she was constantly 'calling' for her.

Red found himself at loss, and he wasn't the only one. Purple. Skoodge, Bob, everybody heard her whenever she said 'mama', and didn't know what to do about it either. After all, NONE of them knew what it felt like to have a female parental unit (or FPU, for short); the closest thing was the cold, robotic arm that shocked them into life.

Thus, Red had no other choice but to do more research; don't worry, he managed to grab his irkpad before Ilk had a chance to claim it for the day.

It turned out the FPU, more commonly known as 'mother', held even much more importance than he initially thought. She was the one to 'give life', she was the one to raise the kids, and the kids in turn were much more attached to her than to the 'father'; this an evolutionary trait almost all universal species shared (except for the clone-relying Irkens, for obvious reasons).

Birthed-smeets, however, conserved this trait along with the other primal instincts removed by the DNA-engineering.

Sadly, 'mothers' were also not replaceable, as Red learned the hard way when he had one of the female navigators lend him a hand, if only to give Ilk some comfort for some time at the least. The navigator had to be sent to the infirmary to treat the bite marks in her arm.

"What are we going to do about Ilk?" he asked Purple a few days later, watching as Ilk played with some colorful blocks with characters of the Irken alphabet on them.

"Isn't it a phase? I mean, from what I've heard, _puberty_ is a phase." Purple said with a shrug.

"Puberty hits when you're an irkager, she's barely a smeet!"

Surprisingly, Bob made a not-so-bad suggestion when he moved over to bring his leaders their drinks. "My Tallest, if I may make a suggestion, you could try and recreate whatever 'motherly affection' entails. Perhaps that would make her feel safer with you regardless of her FPU being missing."

Red looked at Purple. Purple looked at Bob. Bob kept his gaze down. Red glanced at Ilk. Ilk looked at Skoodge. Skoodge slipped and fell on top of Stink and Larb. Ilk laughed.

"You know, that's not such a bad idea," Red finally said, glancing at the service drone. "Even if it comes from you."

Before he could properly look for ways to 'recreate' motherly affection, however, the Armada ran into a big, solar-flare storm near one of the stars in one of the systems, which messed with communication lines, the irkenet, and even electricity. Not even the emergency lights worked, which made things harder, considering the crew inside the _Massive_ had to move in the dark.

Given the circumstances, the Armada would have to stay in place until it passed.

Red and Purple had been smart enough to hoard their quarters with already-made snacks, since not even the machines to cook food in the kitchen worked due to lack of energy. Usually they had no problem with solar flare storms and merely lounged around until it passed.

Ilk, however, hated it. She was afraid of the dark, and the loud thunder-like sound coming from the star whenever it released the flares frightened her further.

"There, there…" Red cooed gently, holding the whimpering smeet close and stroking her PAK-less back. "It'll be okay, sweetie…"

That offered little comfort to Ilk, and she gave a small cry when another flare resounded in space, burying her face in her father's sleeping robe. Red sighed and continued to stroke her back; he still hadn't figured out how to 'replicate' mother affection, in part because he had come to realize love just couldn't be… replicated. Either you felt it or not.

And he did feel love for the little smeet that was currently sobbing against his chest, seeking his protection…

Wait a minute… This reminded him of that non-cheesy, sad song the earth-beast had sung to her infant son, he had also been looking for comfort she managed to give even though she was imprisoned and only her long olfactory organ could touch him. For some reason, that tune had stuck around in his head since he heard it.

When another thunder roared, sending Ilk into yet another heap of frightened sobs, he started cooing and shushing in the Irken native tongue, covering his smeet with part of his robe so she'd feel safe; it worked wonders, and she snuggled against the warmth of his body, though she was still sobbing a bit.

What happened next should NOT leave those four walls, at least not if you want to live.

Making sure no one was around to hear him, he started to _sing_ in a very low voice only loud enough for Ilk to hear it.

_Smeetie mine don't you cry_

_Smeetie mine dry your eyes_

_Rest your head close to my squeedly-spooch_

_Never to part, smeetie of mine…_

Okay, it wasn't exactly the same as the original, but who cares? He just wanted to comfort his daughter.

Ilk calmed down further when she recognized the tune of the song and startled suckling on her thumb, her antennae twitching in unconscious delight. She was so fixed on it she completely forgot about the loud sounds coming from the outside.

Red _almost_ felt like an idiot for doing what no Irken in his sane mind had ever done before, but frankly at the moment he didn't care about that; he just wanted to let Ilk know he was there for her. Speaking of which, how was the next part like…?

_Little one, when you play,_

_Pay no heed what they say_

_Let your eyes sparkle and shine_

_Never a tear, smeetie of mine_

Soon enough, Ilk let out a yawn and she started falling asleep, though it was pretty evident she was trying not to; Red started stroking her head to make it easier. Okay, just one more verse…

_From your antennae down to your toes,_

_You're not much, Irk knows_

_But you're so precious to me_

_Sweet as can be, smeetie of mine…_

Ilk had by then fallen asleep, completely forgetting about the noise outside. Red couldn't help it, he tenderly nuzzled against her cheek as he tucked her into her basket. She shifted for a bit, but she didn't awaken, she merely said a single word. "Dada…"

Red's antennae twitched when he heard the door moving, and lifted in gaze to catch a glimpse of a violet irkpad with the _recording_ light on.

Wait, violet? _Recording_?!

No, he didn't!

Red screamed internally and snarled in direction of the doorway. " _PURPLE_!"

Once he realized he had been caught, the violet-clad Tallest darted away from the door, tablet in hand, laughing as Red chased after him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, who would have thought. Let's just hope that video doesn't see the light of day.
> 
> And, as usual, here's yet another head cannon on birthed smeets: they grow attached to both parents real quickly, and in case one is missing they get especially clingy to the other, which explains why Ilk is always after daddy. They somehow can even tell WHO their parent is.
> 
> It seems someone got addicted to Disney movies; I mean, given they've never seen that kind of films before (at least that's what I assume) because they are too busy conquering planets. And given disney movies tend to be VERY musical, some mind find it very annoying. But for the sake of investigation, somebody must watch them, right?
> 
> Also, here's some of the slangs used for some Earth words, in case you didn't understand:
> 
> Appll pai- apple pie.
> 
> Chiscak- Cheesecake.
> 
> Trimisu- Tiramisu.
> 
> Irkenet- the Irken version of the internet.
> 
> Irkpad- Irken version of a data tablet or iPad.


	7. Chapter 7

If someone had told her that her father owned a sort of vacationing place she wouldn't have believed them.

But it turned out it was located on a nice planet named _Vacatio_ , made into a beach-like vacationing resort. It wasn't that bad, it was mostly beaches and a blue ocean. The Irken Armada stopped there for a break in order to raise the morale (plus Red and Purple really wanted a break), and she found it was actually open to all species, much like _Foodcourtia_.

Having spent her first four years in space without even having seen her own homeworld yet, Ilk was very curious about the new surroundings; the sky was a clear blue, there was actual ground under her feet and a pleasant breeze caressing her skin. It was a nice feeling.

To Red, though, it was a bittersweet moment. Being here brought him memories of Miyuki, it had been her favorite planet. In fact, SHE had turned this planet into a resort i the first place as an attempt to raise morale. As such, she had owned a villa here which she left to him after… the incident.

But he never came to _Vacatio_ afterwards, it brought him too much pain being there. It had been their favorite place, and it pained him that he'd never enjoy her company again.

In this instance he couldn't refuse, however, given that Purple really wanted to come here and Ilk went with the flow, in part because she was curious about the place herself. Eventually, with no other choice, the _Massive_ made a stop in _Vacatio_.

He had to admit, though, Ilk's awed expression made it worth.

"You own the place, daddy?" she asked, looking around the house's big living room, which had been changed from blue to red hues after the property was given to Red.

"The planet actually is the Empire itself's, only the _house_ is actually mine." Red explained, chuckling despite the squirming feeling in his squeedly-spooch.

"Why don't we live here?"

"You see, daddy's job require him to travel around the galaxy making sure Operation Impending Doom II goes smoothly."

"You mean the thingy where you blow planets up?"

"I wouldn't exactly say we blow them up, we just give them a new purpose."

"But what about the people who live there? Shouldn't you ask them first?"

There it was again. It was worrying him. She actually _cared_ about inferior species's feelings; it was going to be a problem when she went to the Academy. Hopefully it would go with time as she matured, or when she got a _PAK_ it would diminish it.

He couldn't say he wanted it removed altogether, however, he loved his daughter the way she was.

Just at that moment Purple emerged from the bathroom, his armor gone, and instead wearing a purple swimsuit that covered most of his body. "Bikinis, here I come!"

"Why are you so thin if you're always eating doughnuts, uncle Pur?" Ilk asked innocently.

"It's a secret." Purple grinned, wiggling his antennae.

"How about you two go ahead?" Red suggested, looking around. "I'll catch up later, it's been a while since I was here and I'd like to take a look around."

Purple saw through the sugarcoating and nodded. "Ilk, sweetheart, remember I promised you we'd make a sand-fortress?"

"Yay!" Ilk was already running through the doorway, followed by Purple.

Once he found himself alone, Red sighed sadly as he walked upstairs and unto one of the bedrooms. _Their_ bedroom. It was, indeed, still as the last time he was here, minus the color. He swore he could even smell her perfume in the pillows.

Red walked over to the bedside table, opened one of the drawers and took something out. It was a picture frame; yes, from the old-fashioned ones meant for photos taken with the flashy mini-machine to capture images. The photo depicted him and Miyuki on the beach, laughing as he made a funny face.

She wasn't Tallest yet at that time, but her growth spurt let them know she'd probably be one someday.

Soon his claw was stroking Miyuki's cheek in the photo. It had been so long since he had the courage to see it, yet he had never forgotten her face. Her beautiful azure eyes, her gentle touch. He found himself smiling sadly as he looked down at the only personal memento he had of her.

He wondered what she would have said if she saw him now. She had often said he was destined to become Tallest one day; he didn't believe her, and yet it had come to pass just like she said it would.

He could even hear her teasing him about it.

* * *

Ilk looked around the resort in wonder.

Most of the _Massive_ 's crew had dispersed throughout the place, but she spotted many she recognized, like Skoodge trying stand on his heels to look taller when a pretty Irkenette passed by him, only to trip and fall into the pool. Ahead in the beach there was Tenn sunbathing, Larb and Stink working on sandcastles and Bob was making sand irkens.

Guess he was glad not to have to be a table for once.

"Nothing better than taking a day at the beach!" Purple said with a big grin, and even took a sort of piña colada-esque drink from a passing by service drone, not caring it probably belonged to someone else. "Even better, all the snacks are for free!"

"Really?" Ilk asked, not really believing him.

"For me and your daddy, they are," Purple stated. "But just to be sure, you can tell them to add them to Bob's bill."

"But doesn't he only earn only two monies every two years?"

"That's what he gets for being so short."

Ilk couldn't help but giggle a bit at her uncle's humor, but as she went to get into the pool he stopped her.

"Whoa, whoa, there, Ilk!" Purple exclaimed, pulling her back. "Don't get into the water without your floats!"

"But we left them back home!"

Good point, he really didn't want to walk all the way back to the house. Purple looked around quickly, and spotted a cart with floaters. Oh, well, maybe the 'free stuff' thing applied to those too, right? "I'll be right back, don't move from here."

Naturally, as a good little Irken, as soon as Purple was out of sight Ilk went into the water. It felt refreshing and cool, just like the water in daddy's bathub. She even went as far as to submerge herself a few times and swim further away from the pool's edge even though she still was getting the hang of swimming, plus she wasn't the only one in that pool.

Spleenk-what? Even the Resisty needs vacation every now and then- was casually standing there as he watched, taking a sip of soda. Seconds later, Purple returned with about a dozen lifeguard floats of Ilk's size (they weren't free, but he told the guy to add it to Bob's bill). He noted Ilk was missing.

"Hey, you," he asked the familiar-looking alien nearby. "Have you seen a smeet around here?"

"Is she the size of a baby fractus plant with red eyes?" Spleenk asked. Either he didn't recognize Purple, or the 'vacation mode' was fully on.

"Yeah, that's her. Have you seen her around?"

"What for?"

Purple rolled his eyes and lifted the floaters. "I have to give her these, she still doesn't have the hang of swimming."

"She can't… swim?"

"She can a bit, but she's so small it's quite of a problem for her to stay afloat for long."

Spleenk blinked and glanced at the pool. "Well, that explains why she hasn't come out in a while."

"Well, yeah."

Ilk. Pool. Not come out.

"WHAT?!" Purple reacted five seconds later. "SHE'S IN THE WATER?!"

"She got in there a while ago, and she hadn't come out."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU START WITH THAT, YOU IDIOT?!"

Nononono, Red would have his _PAK_ if something happened to her!

"OUT OF MY WAY!" Purple threw the floaters at Spleenk and went to the pool. "DON'T WORRY, ILK! UNCLE PURPLE IS COMING TO THE RESCUE!" With that, he dove head first into the water and swam frantically around, calling for Ilk while Spleenk just watched with his soda in hand.

"What is Tallest Purple doing?" one of the navigators asked his companion, lifting his gaze from the chess board.

"He probably lost one of his doughnuts." Was the reply, and the medic moved her king. "Check mate. You owe me ten monies."

After some more splashing, Purple managed to grab something underwater. "I THINK I GOT HER!" When he lifted it, however, a vortian's head was pulled out by the horn.

"What the hell?!" Lard-Nar snapped. "Can't I even snorkel around without you Irkens coming and ruining it?!"

"Sorry!" Purple pushed him back underwater and resumed the search for Ilk. "ILK, WHERE ARE YOU?!"

A tiny voice called out. "I'm over here, uncle Pur!"

"DON'T WORRY, I'LL SAVE YOU!" He didn't really notice Ilk's tone was anything but frantic, and she wasn't struggling to stay afloat. Seconds later, Purple had arrived to her side and managed to lift her out of the water. "I GOT YOU! SKOODGE, TO FETCH A FLOATER OR SOMETHING!"

As Skoodge rushed to do as told, Spleenk just kept staring at the scene. After a while, he said. "Wouldn't it be easier if you just stood up?"

"WHAT?!"

Ilk rolled her eyes, jumped off Purple's hold and landed on the water, which barely got to her waist. Purple blinked and tentatively got to his feet… the water barely reached half his legs.

They were in the shallow part of the pool.

* * *

The next day Purple was still very embarrassed over the little 'sideshow and refused to leave his bed. Red actually found it quite convenient since he wanted to spend some quality time alone with Ilk.

While he took a bath, however, he had forgotten to place the photo frame back in the drawer. When he came out of the bathroom (he was wearing a bathrobe, don't worry) he found Ilk examining the picture curiously. Oops.

"Who is she, daddy?" she inquired, staring at the blue-eyed Irkenette intently.

"She was a good friend of mine." Red said simply.

"She looks like Tallest Miyuki, but without armor…"

He nodded with a small grin.

Ilk blinked, connecting the dots. "Wait, you were friends with… Tallest Miyuki?"

"She wasn't the Tallest yet when we took that photo," Red explained, sitting down next to the smeet. "And as you can see, neither was I. We had just graduated from the Academy and came here to celebrate."

"Did Uncle Pur come along?"

"He did, but he preferred to go flirt with other Irkenettes." And he had to say, he wasn't that bad at it. He was much more better in courting ladies than Red, so it was a surprise Miyuki hadn't gotten interested in _him_.

Ilk stared at the younger version of her father. "You look shorter."

Red chuckled. "Like I said, I wasn't Tallest back then."

"What happened to Miyuki, daddy?"

Darn, there it was. The question he hoped she wouldn't ask; then again, she hadn't yet learned of Irk's history, she had only heard about Miyuki since she was considered one of the greatest Tallest the Empire ever had, having commissioned the _Massive_ before her demise at the hands of…

He couldn't bring himself to remember it. He did not want to sour the day ahead with pointless weeping; it wouldn't bring her back no matter how many tears he'd shed, something he learned the harsh way in first weeks after Miyuki's demise.

He had felt like a part of him died with her ever since; he didn't want to eat, sleep, or anything. He only wanted to drop dead and join her.

It wasn't until Spork was eaten by the same creature that took Miyuki away that he had to force himself (and Purple greatly contributed to) to snap out of it. Both were the tallest Irkens alive at the time, so naturally they were picked by the Control Brains to be the next Tallest. With no other choice, he had to cut his mourning short; The Empire needed strong leaders, after all.

The pain never left him, however. It diminished over the years as he came to terms with it, but it was always there.

"She passed away." Was all he said.

Thankfully Ilk didn't ask for any details. She merely nodded, understanding. She was such a smart smeet, after all.

He had an idea about where he could take her, though.

* * *

To Red's surprise, it still hadn't changed much.

Well, there's the big sea serpent that was swimming dragging a puny fishing jet, but other than that most of it was intact.

It was a small cove-like area where the sand was a beautiful creamy color with traces of pale blue and pink, and the water was of 7 different tones of violet, contrasting with the pale pink sky on the horizon.

Not many knew about this location. He and Miyuki had found it by accident back on the day after she insisted on taking a walk; she even jokingly suggested calling it Purple Cove, but he was able to talk some sense into her. That would inflate Purple's ego a bit too much.

Ilk awed at the beautiful scenery. "It's beautiful, daddy!"

Red nodded. "It is, and it's going to be our little secret."

"Uncle Pur doesn't know about it?"

"No. If you told him, in less than five minutes he would have already told half the planet about it. Besides, this place is very special to daddy."

As he watched Ilk play in the sand (even make a sand-made version of the _Massive_ ), he remembered the time that made this cove so special.

_*FB*_

" _I have to admit, I didn't think we'd find such a neat place." Red commented laying down on the sand._

" _I didn't want to say I told you so, but_ _ **I told you so**_ _." Miyuki said with a smirk._

_Red rolled his eyes. "Oh, right, rub it in my face."_

" _Oh, come on, Red, you know I'm joking!"_

" _Uh-huh."_

_He could never be mad at her for long, though, even in a playful manner. Besides, they probably wouldn't see each other for a while after they got sent to their respective working places. Red had been assigned to a battleship as its leading commander due to his surprising expertise in the battlefield (and tall height for his age), while Miyuki would work as a communications officer back on Irk._

" _So, where do you think we'll end up? In the future, I mean." Red asked after a while._

" _No matter what you say, I'm pretty sure you'll be Tallest someday." Miyuki said._

" _Are you kidding? You're taller than me!"_

" _It's only for a few inches. Besides, you've got a knack for leadership."_

" _Tell that to Purple, considering he never listens to a word I say," Red sighed sadly. "I'm going to miss him too, though…" Purple had been put in exploration class, which meant he'd go around exploring the edge of their known universe for more planets to conquer in the future._

_Sadly, this meant the wouldn't see each other much either. They hadn't noticed they had shifted closer, their hands were on top of one another._

" _You know, I'm going to miss you…"_

" _Me too."_

_Their heads leaned in closer, their antennae twitching…_

_*FB*_

"Daddy, look at this!"

He was brought out of the memory abruptly when Ilk pulled unto his swimming suit. Curious, Red stood up and followed Ilk closer to the water.

To his surprise, she had somehow managed to make a sandy version of Purple… at least he thought it must be Purple, right? It didn't exactly look like him, but he could tell by the lanky, long and thin shape.

"Who is that?" he asked.

"Uncle Pur," yup, He was right. "Do you think it looks like him?"

"Mmm…" Red rubbed his chin and stared at the 'sculpture' for a few seconds. "I think something is missing."

"Oh, right!" Ilk quickly grabbed a piece of algae lying nearby, gave it a ring-like shape and placed it in the stick that made up the arm. It didn't take much imagination to figure out what it was supposed to represent.

Red smirked. "It's perfect."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, here we have a small tidbit into Red's past relationship with Miyuki. As some of you probably noticed, they were VERY close indeed, which explains why he's still sad about her death.
> 
> Reminder: Jhonen Vazques said the pollutants in Earth's water are what make it harmful to other species. In Vacatio the water has no pollutants, so the Irks can bathe in it without getting hurt.


	8. Chapter 8

Before Ilk arrived, Red had no idea what _quality time_ meant.

However, he soon realized that as a young smeet, she couldn't just be stuck around the _Massive_ without doing anything. And now that he thought about it, when she turned ten she'd have to go to the Academy to be fit with a _PAK_ and train to become a soldier, and hopefully eventually an Invader.

The point? Irk knows for how long he wouldn't see her when that happened, of if she'd even be assigned to work on the _Massive_ at all.

Then he heard the two magical words: quality time.

Turns out parents and their kids in inferior species often spend time with each other to strengthen their emotional bonds, often in activities such as fishing, watching movies, going to the mall, etcetera, bla, bla, bla.

Well, what did he have to lose? Besides, it had been a while since he spent some good time with Ilk; she didn't bother him much ever since she learned how to feed herself and use the toilet without falling in it (don't ask for details on the latter, please don't).

So that day, Red simply went into Ilk's room and cried out. "Sweetie, pack up! We're going camping!"

He didn't seem to notice or mind she was asleep.

And so now they found themselves going to a planet with lots of forests and no signs of big, highly advanced metropolis. It was a good distance away from the Armada too, which meant they'd have no interruptions.

Ilk wasn't sure it was a good idea to leave Uncle Pur in charge by himself for a week; it wasn't that she didn't think him capable, but sometimes he could be so… immature. From what she heard when Zim hacked the _Massive_ on one occasion, dad had to single-handedly fix the problem while Uncle Pur did nothing more than panic and eat doughnuts.

She had to admit, though, this planet wasn't so bad. They landed in a cleary part with no trees near a river.

Getting to the planet was the easy part.

The hard part was to actually camp.

"Think it's okay?" Red asked, taking a quick look at the picture in manual, then at the tent.

Well, it's supposed to be a tent, but instead it looked like a pile of sticks with a blanket on top of them.

"Wouldn't it be easier if we put it in automatic mode?" Ilk pointed out.

"Come on, where's the fun in that?" Red tried to lighten up the mood with a laugh, but he was actually freaking out. What would Ilk think of him if he couldn't even set up a damn tent?!

Looks like allowing himself to mellow out wasn't such a good action after all. The knowledge of how it was done was there (thank you to the PAK for that), but he just couldn't wrap his finger around it anymore.

After a while, he merely tossed the manual away. "Well, who needs a tent? We can sleep on the ship!"

Ilk crossed her arms, smirking a bit. "How curious, because you said we wouldn't use any technology for this trip."

"Did I? Well, the ship can be an exception."

"Think Uncle Pur is okay?"

Oh, right, he almost forgot. He had turned off the communicator to avoid any disturbance. "Relax, he's not my co-Tallest for nothing. I'm pretty certain he's got everything under control."

* * *

Purple was in the kitchen peeking out from behind one of the counters, with the rest of the cooks behind him while Bob was poking at one of the power plugs on the wall with a screwdriver, and holding an empty glass jar on the other.

"Couldn't we just leave it there, My Tallest?" Bob asked.

"So it reproduces? Do you know how long it takes them to make babies?!" Purple snapped. "Besides, it'll go after my doughnuts!"

"Then wouldn't it be easier to squash it?"

Purple grumbled. "Oh, right, and spread all of its insides on top of the snacks? Why don't you also poison my drink now what we're on it? Just get it over with!"

Bob sighed. There was no way out of this, so he better get done. As he removed the power plug, however, he jumped back in fright when instead of one, a _dozen_ of tiny space-roaches crawled out, causing him to jump on top of a chair.

He wasn't the only one as soon Purple and the cooks shrieked like smeets and scrambled to climb unto the counters.

* * *

And so, with the topic of Purple aside, Red decided they could take a walk around. Actually, Ilk was on top of his head and he merely moved around on his PAK's spider legs to save battery on his hover-belt.

"Hey, daddy, when will I get my own spider leg on my back thingy?" Ilk asked after a while.

Red chuckled at her lack of vocabulary. Like father, like smeet, right? "You mean a _PAK_? When you go to the Academy you'll get one from the Control Brains."

"How's the Academy like? Everybody talks about it."

"You see, usually cloned smeets spend their first ten years in Irk's underground getting the basic information in their _PAK_ s before going to the Academy to formally finish their training. In your case, however, you'll have to learn most from scratch."

"Sounds boring."

"It's not that bad. If you're really good at it, you'll become an Elite in no time. Who knows? Maybe you'll even get to become an Invader! Invader Ilk has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?"

Ilk was pretty sure her squeedly-spooch squirmed. "Yeah. Too bad Operation Impending Doom II will be over by then."

Red chuckled. "Who knows? We haven't fully explored the whole galaxy, maybe in the future there will be enough newly discovered systems to consider an Operation Impending Doom III."

 _Hopefully not,_ Ilk thought secretly to herself.

The landscape was not that bad. Most of the terrain reminded her in part of ancient plants she had once read about in the Irkenet, mostly from the planet Zim had been sent to. The main difference was that the sky in this planet was of greenish hues swirling around in the heights, and up to now they hadn't yet seen any wildlife.

She was momentarily distracted when she noticed they had passed by a very familiar tree with white bark and black stripes. "Uh, daddy…"

Red didn't hear her. "Or perhaps we could assign you to Earth. I mean, from what I've noticed, humans don't look that brilliant, it would be a piece of cake for you!"

"Daddy…"

"Purple says it should be a bakery/zoo thing, but I think it should only be a bakery. I mean, those animals must carry a lot of bacteria."

"Dad!"

Red looked up at her. "What is it?"

"I think we're lost."

"Oh, come on, Ilk," Red chuckled. "What makes you think that?"

"We've passed by that tree four times already," Ilk pointed at said tree literally, and then at the ground. "Plus, those are your spider legs' prints."

Red glanced at the tree, then at his footprints. Then he looked at his surroundings and realized everything looked alike,

Uh-oh.

"Okay, don't panic, Ilk, I'll find the way back." he tried to sound sure of himself, but it had been a long time ever since he was in the wilderness like this. To make matters worse, his stomach growled. "Good time to leave the snacks back at the ship."

Ilk looked around and saw some bushes with tiny reddish fruits with spherical shape. She slid down her father's body and walked over to it.

"Ilk, what are you doing?" Red inquired curiously.

"These berries are edible, they're red and round."

"How do you know that?"

"Since there isn't much to do at back the _Massive_ , I started reading about the flora on other worlds. Most planets within the habitable zones of their respective systems share this type of plants, all of them with sweet and juicy fruit."

He had to say he was _impressed_ , especially when he tentatively tasted one of the tiny berries, and ended up plucking a whole branch of the bush to eat it on the way back.

And speaking of which, she surprised him even more when she successfully went back on the track he had left by checking small clues such as a broken stick, or tell the cardinal directions by checking where the moss grew on the trees.

The good news: they found their way back to camp by the time the sun was about to set.

The bad news: they finally saw one of the animals from the planet.

It was big, furry and with a big pair of ivory horns. Apparently it had been attracted by all the food Red had brought, and was devouring it.

If there was something Red might hate even _more_ than _Zim_ (as unbelievable as it might sound), it was anyone taking _his_ snacks.

He started firing his _PAK_ 's plasma guns at the creature. "Hey, go find your own food, you walking carpet!"

The animal fled into the woods with a cry of pain when one of the plasma shots struck its ear.

"I don't think that was a good idea, dad." Ilk commented, staring at the place the creature had fled to.

"Chill out, sweetie, it's just an animal. What's the worst it could do?"

His answer came in the form of a loud and fierce roar coming from behind the trees. Seconds later, an even _larger_ version of the beast walked out. This one had longer horns and a pair of tusks protruding from its mouth.

Red stared at it, agape; definitely the plasma guns wouldn't hurt _this_ one.

Ilk smacked her forehead and twitched her antennae. "Call his mom. That's the worst it can do."

Before she could even ask what was going on, Red had quickly taken her in his arms and spread out his PAK's spider legs to make a run for the ship. The monster ran after them, but thankfully he managed to jump into the cockpit and close the glass just in time before its jaws closed.

He continued to hold Ilk close as the beast-and by addition its baby in an act of revenge-started tackling the spittle runner; when they realized it was no threat, though, both lost interest in the spaceship and went back to the snacks.

It took Red a while to recover from the fright. "Well… How about we postpone the camping until we find somewhere safer?"

Ilk nodded. "I couldn't agree more."

As he looked for the starting key to turn the spittle runner on, however, he found his pockets were empty.

"Um, dad…"

"Do you have the key, sweetie?"

Ilk merely pointed outside. The calf _had_ found it, and swallowed it along some doughnuts.

Red and Ilk exchanged a look.

For the first time in a while, Red envied Purple. At least he was back at the _Massive_ , lounging and eating doughnuts without a worry in the universe.

* * *

"What on Irk, Skoodge?!"

The short Invader had placed bottles and bags filled with water throughout the _Massive_ , particularly the cafeteria.

"Water bottles and bags? _This_ is your _brilliant_ idea?" Purple asked with crossed arms.

"Well, yeah. Zim said water burns on the skin, so maybe it'll scare away the space-roaches." Skoodge explained proudly.

Purple rubbed his temples. "In case you haven't been paying attention, Zim's plans always end up destroying everything BUT the intended target!"

"Besides, water bags don't work against space roaches!" Larb stated matter-of-factly. "They only work on flies and canids!"

The rest of the Irkens turned to him, dumbfounded. Larb gulped.

"I mean, that's what I heard from Bob. It's not like I waste my time reading earth stuff, right?"

* * *

Given it would take a while for the calf to… evacuate, they had no choice but to wait until it happened. However, as the sun disappeared and the planet's two moons rose, it was evident it wouldn't happen very soon.

Meanwhile, they were trapped inside the spittle runner until either the calf heeded nature's call and they could retrieve the key, or the mother left and he could go kill the bucking calf to speed it up. Whatever happened first.

"Are they gone yet?" Ilk asked.

Red peeked through the glass and spotted mother and calf still eating _his_ snacks. He sighed. "Nop. They're still there." His antennae twitched when he heard a tiny growl. "Ilk, was that the calf or your stomach?"

Ilk rubbed her empty stomach. She hadn't eaten much throughout the day other than a few berries. "I'm starving."

Almost on cue, a can of soup landed right a few inches away from the window. Well, at least something _did_ go well in this whole ordeal.

Red chuckled. "Alright, soup coming up."

He tentatively opened the cockpit window ever so slightly, just enough to slid his arm through it as silently as he could. The beast and her calf were too busy eating to notice him grab the can and slid it inside the cockpit before closing the window again.

Heating it up wasn't that hard; this model of the spittle runner had a sort of electric lighter for cigarettes, all he had to do was put the hot part directly beneath the can and wait. Ah, how he'd enjoy rubbing it into Purple's face; he was always complaining about how useless these lighters were.

As they waited for the soup to heat up, Red took a closer look at the label. Oh, Irk. It couldn't be.

Ilk glanced at her father when he chuckled. "What?"

"It's the same type of soup your uncle and I would eat back at the Academy during training."

"You ate canned soup?"

"It wasn't our favorite meal, but it did its job of keeping us in shape. Some liked it a little too much, however, and their weight paid the price."

"You mean Skoodge?"

"In part yest. I mean, that guy must be so fat and short for something."

"How did you an Uncle Pur meet?"

Red chuckled. "It's a long story. Want the short version?"

Ilk nodded.

"We literally met when we were a few minutes old. Somehow he had gotten a very big doughnut, I asked him if he could share a bit, and you can imagine how he got. We start fighting until we noticed we were of the same height; afterwards we stuck together from that moment.

When we were sent to the Academy, we soon discovered we complemented each other. I was very skilled in combat, weaponry and engineering, but I was lacking it came to knowledge and my way with vocabulary words was very… lacking." It still is, actually. "Purple, on the other hand, completely sucked at military operations or anything that involved fighting. _But_ he was a walking encyclopedia, and was even better when it came to machinery."

Ilk couldn't help but giggle. "Uncle Pur was _smart_?"

"Oh, come on, don't be so hard on him. He still is… when he _wants_ to be."

Purple might have mellowed out a bit too much, that's true, but that big brain of his was still in there. The proof? He single handedly fixed the oven that time it broke in less than five minutes-when usually it took an average technician about half an hour-just to have his doughnut production back on track again as soon as possible.

"Think it's done yet?" Ilk asked after her stomach growled again.

"It should be." Red grabbed the can and cut the lid open with a portable can-opener from his _PAK_.

Ilk blinked in surprise. "How many things do you have in there?"

Red chuckled again as he poured the soup in a small paper vase (also obtained from his _PAK_ ) and then handed it to her. "You'd be surprised."

"I can't wait to get one."

He wondered if he should tell her the downsides of the _PAK_ , but finally chose against it. Surely it would be different with her, since it wasn't put on her spine when she was born, and she had her own brain, personality and memories without it too.

After taking a small sip from the can, he shivered in disgust. He just couldn't wait to get back to the _Massive_ and get a good mouthful of popcorn and chiscake.

* * *

"I don't think this is going to work."

"Any better ideas? No? Then stop complaining and go! I'm hungry!"

With that, Bob was pushed into the kitchen. He was wearing a rather pathetic space-roach disguise with a pink bow on the antennas. Okay, it couldn't be that bad, all he had to do was distract those bugs and lead them to a escape pod to be sent into space. It couldn't be that bad, right?

Five minutes later he came out screaming, the legs of his disguise torn and with a few roaches crawling on top of him, trying to 'mate'.

* * *

Eventually the baby evacuated and they managed to retrieve (and thoroughly wash and disinfect) the key to the spittle runner.

The first thing Red noticed was that he had over one thousand voicemails from Purple. He only needed to open the first ever sent to see what the whole mess was about.

_**Red, this is very bad! There's a space roach in the kitchen and we can't find it! Call me!** _

Red smacked his forehead. "Oh, for the love of Irk. They can't even get rid of a puny space roach?"

As they finally made it back at the _Massive_ they found it unusually empty. Soon they realized why; everyone was cooped up inside the control room, trembling, whimpering and a few were in something called a fetal position.

"RED, YOU'RE BACK!" In less than three seconds Purple had already thrown himself at his co-tallest, hugging his waist as he bawled. "IT WAS HORRIBLE! THOSE BUGS ARE EVERYWHERE AND ATE ALL THE DOUGHNUTS!"

Red looked unamused, however. "Seriously, I leave you alone for a moment and everything falls apart."

"What's the big deal about a space roach, anyway?" Ilk asked curiously.

"It's not only one!" Stink cried. "It's HUNDREDS of them!"

"And they are in the kitchen!" Tenn added, looking as if she had seen that movie with the woman crawling out of a tv again.

Ilk thought for a moment. "Do any of you have sugar of any kind?"

"I have a piece of chocolate!" one of the navigators cried, lifting said candy in his hand.

"What are you going to do, Ilk?" Red asked curiously as he watched his daughter take the chocolate from the navigator and then run out of the bridge.

"Put the security camera on full-screen!" Purple cried out.

The image of the camera feed on the cafeteria appeared on the screen. Red could see the were not exaggerating when they said it was thousands of space roaches, all crawling on the floor and over the place.

Ilk walked in. However, she did not seem frightened in the least. She merely looked around, bend down on her knees slightly and started making clicking sounds.

To the astonishment of all the Irkens, the roaches reacted and gathered around her, making similar sounds. Ilk twitched her antennae twice, movement which the roaches repeated. She started leading the bugs down the hall and into one of the escape pods; with one last clicking sound she threw the chocolate bar inside one.

Every single roach rushed into the escape pod in a frenzy to get the candy. Ilk pressed the button to close it and send it out into space.

Tenn cried. "SHE DID IT!"

The whole crew cheered in delight, even Purple went as far as to release confetti from the ceiling. "PARTY!"

Red merely smiled proudly at the monitor. This, plus the survival skills Ilk showed back on the planet, confirmed what he thought; she would make an excellent Invader.

Seconds later he walking out of the bridge.

He needed to have a word with the Control Brains.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chap was partly inspired on A Goofy Movie, particularly when Max and Goofy get stuck in their car while Big Foot looks through their stuff and they have a sort of bonding moment.  
> And the space-roaches are the Irken version of Earth's cockroaches, and reference to my own aversion of those bugs. PUAJ!


	9. Chapter 9

"Can I have a pet, daddy?"

"No."

"Whyyyyy?"

Red sighed as he sipped his morning coffee. "Ilk, we live on a ship travelling through space and barely land. It's not place for a dirty, smelly beast to run around." Besides, he _hated_ animals.

"It doesn't have to be a big one! It can be a small one, like a bird!"

"Come on, Red, don't be like that!" Purple pouted.

"Did you forget the last time we had a beast in here?"

* * *

 _Zim had the_ _ **brilliant**_ _idea to send a tiger as a present to his leaders, but didn't take into account that the big cats were not like the tiny felines the hyoomans had as pets, something which the crew on the_ Massive _had to learn the bad way._

" _SOMEBODY KILL THAT ANIMAL!" Purple yelled in fright. He and Red had climbed onto a wall with their_ PAK _legs._

" _Curse you, Zim!" Red yelled, even lifting his arm with a clenched fist._

_The tiger roared and lunged at a random crewmember. "AAAAHHHH!"_

_Purple threw up at the sight of the carnage._

" _Who did he eat?" Red asked._

" _A service drone, My Tallest!"_

" _Someone send his widow a doughnut!"_

* * *

"It wasn't that bad, at least we pretty cool sleeping robes." Purple pointed out, pointing at his orange striped pajama when he went to get some more coffee.

"Besides, companion beasts require too much responsibility," Red continued. "I don't think you're ready for one, Ilk."

"Not fair! I'm already four!"

Red made sure Purple wasn't around before whispering. "By the way, the next time you look for an accomplice you should ask Larb or Tenn. Purple is a bit too lacking when it comes to appealing."

"I heard that!" Purple called from the kitchen.

A few days later, though, Ilk's wish came true in a way.

In an attempt to earn the Tallest's favour, Zim sent her a tiny, gold-colored fish in a small, round fish bowl filled with a substitute of water that wouldn't burn her. The Tallest, of course, confiscated the fish until they made sure it wouldn't snap, explode, bite or turn into a gargantuan monster.

Afterwards, Ilk would spend hours staring at the puny fish, fascinated. It wasn't really that hard to keep it alive; all she had to do was change its water and feed it. It couldn't be taken out of the water or be petted, but she didn't mind.

The other Irkens, however, wondered what why such animals were kept as pets in the first place if they did nothing but eat and swim.

Eat. Swim. Swim. Eat. Evacuate. Eat.

To Ilk, however, the little fish was the 'greatest pet in the whole universe'.

"Well, at least it doesn't smell like Skoodge's socks." Purple muttered a some time later as he stared at the fish, named Finny.

"You know, it's the first time Zim actually sends an actually _harmless_ animal." Red pointed out.

"Speaking of which, look at this!" Purple gently hit the glass of the fishbowl with a claw, but apparently it was enough to drive the fish nuts for a few seconds.

Red grew curious. "What just happened?"

"I don't know, but it's funny!"

"Let me try." He hit the fishbowl lightly, and again Finny swam to the opposite direction. "Hey, it _is_ funny! Just don't let Ilk see you."

Unfortunately, it became an habit for Purple to startle Finny whenever Ilk wasn't around. What could he say? He loved tormenting smaller creatures; Skoodge and Bob are primary witnesses and victims of it.

On one occasion that Ilk stayed with Tenn for some extra hours, she left Finny back on the bridge right on top of Bob. Purple took delight in annoying the goldfish to no end, which in turn annoyed Red. He might not like animals, but it was his daughter's pet they were talking about.

"Will you give the finny-beast a break?" he asked as he ate a bag of popcorn.

"Not my fault it's so puny!" Purple simply said, startling the fish again and bursting into laughter when it swam to the opposite side of the tiny fishbowl.

"If Ilk sees you tormenting her pet, you can kiss your title of favorite uncle goodbye'.

"I'm her only uncle, you said so yourself. Besides, I'm not really hurting it; I mean, what's the worse it could happen?"

The next hit was a bit too rough, and they hadn't noticed that with all the hits the fishbowl had been pushed to the edge of the table little by little; the next one was the last straw.

The fishbowl fell off the table and shattered, spilling its watery content at Bob's feet. The only reason his feet didn't burn upon contact was that Ilk now used uncontaminated water from their own supply.

Finny, however, was flailing and splashing around.

"You were saying?" Red asked with a raised eyebrow.

Purple yelped in panic and tried to grab Finny, but it slipped from his grasp and went flying into the floor. "Somebody catch it!"

It seemed they had underestimated Finny, however. No matter how many hands caught it, it always slipped away from the crewmen's hands, and ended up causing a big number of Irkens falling on top of each other.

Finally, Larb grabbed one of the Tallest's soda vases and ran to the spot Finny would land on next. The goldfish landed into the soda with a tiny splash.

Purple laughed. "Good job, Larb!"

Usually whoever dared to ruin any of the Tallest's snacks or drinks was thrown out of the airlock ASAP, but given Larb's smart action and height, they didn't really mind this time.

"Is it okay?" Red asked. It wasn't out of concern for the fish's welfare, but rather because of how Ilk would react if something were to happen to it.

"I think the whole ordeal got him exhausted, My Tallest," Larb stated. "Looks like he's sleeping."

Finny was floating on the surface with his belly exposed, unmoving.

"I didn't know fish slept." Purple pointed out.

Red stared at Finny with a serious expression. "As a matter of fact, I don't even recall ever seeing him sleep like that."

….

"Finny?" Purple poked the fish tentatively, but there was no reaction. "Finny?"

Oh, no…

"Finny!" Purple's voice turned desperate as he snatched the vase from Larb and shook it in attempt to wake the fish up to no avail. "Come on, Finny! It's not funny, wake up!"

"Bravo," Red clapped his hands in a sarcastic manner. "Now you've _really_ done it, Pur. You _killed_ Finny."

Purple gulped. "C-Come on, surely he's playing a prank on us!"

"I highly doubt earth-fish are even smart enough to pull a prank on anybody."

Bob read out loud from the Irkpad. "While goldfish usually can live up to fifteen years, they must only be kept in freshwater, for saltwater or with high levels of gas, sugars and any other pollutants might shorten its lifespan considerably."

"There you have it."

"Oh, sweet Irk… What are we going to tell Ilk?!"

Red crossed his arms, raising an eyebrow. " _We_?"

"Hey, you can't leave me alone with this!"

"I told you to stop bothering the fish, but _nooo_ , you simply had to keep tormenting it."

"Well, if you're so smart, what should we do about it?!"

"There! You used _we_ again!"

"Um, My Tallest, I wouldn't like to be a defective of ill omen, but…" the navigator showed one of the camera feeds on the monitor, revealing Ilk and Tenn were on their way back to the bridge, probably to fetch the fish.

Purple panicked again and unconsciously gripped the 'body', forgetting momentarily that Finny's body was still wet until it slipped from his grasp and went flying towards one of the control panels, culminating when the electricity finished the job.

Purple and Red stared at the scene, agape; seconds later, the latter commented. "You know, you should write a book: a hundred ways to kill your niece's fish."

"My Tallest, she's seconds away…!" the same navigator from before cried out.

Purple and Red quickly searched in their pockets for anything they could use to replace Finny while they figured out what to do; they had an orange candy wrapper, a marble and a black market.

Thinking quickly, Red wrapped the marble in the candy wrapper and painted a line and two dots on it, then dropped into a glass of water just as Ilk and Tenn crossed the doorway.

"Hi, Finny!" of course she greeted the 'fish' first, though she noticed it wasn't in its fishbowl anymore. "Why is he in a glass?"

"Err, you see… Bob clumsily tripped and dropped it," Purple explained, pinning the blame on the service drone. "Thankfully Larb managed to put it in a glass of water."

"Y-Yeah…!" Larb joined in with a nervous grin. "It wasn't that easy, since he was very slippery, but I managed to catch it!"

Tenn sniffed the air. "Is it just me, or does it smell like someone roasted something?"

"Oh, I'm pretty sure it's just you!" Red chuckled nervously while subtly motioning to the navigators to get rid of the 'evidence'. Finny's charred remains were quickly taken and thrown into a garbage shut before Ilk noticed.

"No, I'm pretty certain it smells like-"

Larb was faster to react and threw a toilet plunger to her mouth, sending her backwards.

Invader Larb, the Tallest's favorite Invader-2.

The rest of the less-favoured Invaders-0.

* * *

Alright, they didn't have much time before Ilk realized the Finny in the water glass was an impostor, so they better hurry up in finding a permanent replacement.

The logical thing would have been to ask Zim to send another, but the person who suggested it was thrown out of the airlock. If they did that, he would think they actually liked the present and held him on a pedestal.

Besides, they weren't _that_ desperate. Yet.

Unfortunately _Callnowia_ didn't sell animals, and even if they did that fish was very hard to find in this part of the Universe since humans had never left their solar system. Ironic, especially since the 'goldfish' was a very common pet in its homeworld.

Again, they would _NOT_ call Zim.

Their only option was to go look in the black market; they always got this type of hard-to-find, exotic stuff and sold it illegally.

Larb, Stink and Tenn were sent to _Marketiuus_ and told not to come back without the fish. The Tallest didn't care how expensive it was, only that it looked exactly like Finny.

And so the three Invaders entered an exotic pet shop filled with caged fauna from various planets across the galaxy. The owner, an old snail-like alien, sneezed from the fur.

"Good evening, good sirs.. And lady," he greeted the Irkens, blowing his nose on a napking. "How can I help you?"

"See, we're kind in an emergency," Stink explained. "We need a very rare fish."

"How rare?"

Tenn searched through her irkpad and showed the shopkeeper a picture of Finny's species. The shop owner stared intently at it. "Aaah, I see. Indeed, it's a very rare type to find around here, since it's native from a planet with rather… primitive natives."

"Yeah, tell me," Tenn muttered.

"You're lucky, I think I do have _one_ left in stock," the snail went to the back shop and returned seconds later with a an apparent clone of Finny in a fishbowl.

"Hey, he looks just like Finny!" Stink examined the fish in fascination.

"We'll take it!"

"Good. It'll be _five hundred thousand_ monies."

" _FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND_?!" the three Invaders repeated.

The shopkeeper blinked. "Well, yeah. Like I said this fish is very hard to obtain; I doubt you'll find another one in all of _Marketiuus_."

"Would you give us a discount if we leave this one?" Larb asked, holding up Finny's remains for the shopkeeper to see it.

"Sorry, can't do that. My boss gives me the prices and I _must_ apply them."

"Remember, guys, the Tallest said they didn't mind the price," Tenn whispered hurriedly to their companions. "Besides, it's this or calling _Zim_."

After a few seconds of pondering, they faced the shopkeeper. "We'll take it."

* * *

"Okay, Purple, this little blunder of yours cost us _five_ _**bloody**_ _hundred thousand_ monies, so stay away from Finny II."

"I already said I was sorry!"

When they were sure Ilk was gone to the cafeteria, they snuck into her bedroom, carefully carrying the new in its fishbowl. Alright, Red was the one carrying it, he didn't trust Purple to do so without doing something stupid such as dropping it.

"How long do we have until she comes back?" Purple asked.

"Chill out, I told everybody to slow her down as much as possible," Red assured him. "Besides, it's no big deal. All we have to do is place this fishbowl, remove the fake fish and that's that, we can go back to snacking."

"I hope so, I haven't had anything to eat in half an hour and I'm hungry!"

Ilk had moved 'Finny' to an old porcelain vase while Tenn, Larb and Stink went to buy another fishbowl (that was the excuse for them to go to _Marketiuus_ ). She placed it in her bathroom, since she loved to play with Finny in her bathtub.

Red placed the fishbowl right next to the sink and wiped the sweat off his forehead. "Well, that was easy." He took the vase and sent its contents down the toilet to get rid of the evidence. "Alright, now we can go back to snacking," he glared at Purple. "And whatever you do, _don't_ bother the fish, for Irk's sake."

Red was the first to leave the bathroom. Purple, on the other hand, stared intently at Finny II, his hand twitching. The temptation was too big and he gave one _tiny_ touch to the fishbowl before scurrying away.

An hour later Ilk walked into the bridge, rubbing her glossy eyes.

"Ilk? What's wrong, sweetie?" Red asked her in concern.

"Finny died."

Purple nearly choked on his fifteenth doughnut. Red kept his composure, but he did look surprised. "He… died?"

"I was watching him swim and out of sudden he stopped moving, he floated to the surface… and he never moved again."

Red didn't know what to say. He only held Ilk as she cried.

One of the scientists performed an autopsy on Finny's body. It was hard since its anatomy was completely foreign, but he managed to deduce the fish had died from old age. Apparently the specimen they had been sold was around the end of its natural lifespan.

Purple gave his co-Tallest a look that read: _Just for the record, this time around it wasn't MY fault._

Finny was given a proper send-off through the toilet… wow. Hyoomans and their grotesque funerary rites.

Afterwards Ilk was sad for a week before returning to her usual self, though she'd stare sadly at Finny's fishbowl every now and then.

* * *

"Well, on the bright side I don't think she'll want another pet anytime soon." Purple commented a few days later.

"You talk much considering the whole issue was your fault." Red said matter-of-factory.

"Come on, it was only a fish!"

"Tell that to Ilk."

"Anyway, I'm going to get more doughnuts."

Just then, the transmissor started beeping. "My Tallest, incoming transmission from Earth."

Red sighed. "Just patch him through already." What was the point in getting mad about it? It wouldn't change anything.

Zim's annoying little face appeared on screen. " _Greetings, My Tallest_!" he exclaimed with a salute.

"What now, Zim?" Red asked.

" _First of all I wanted to offer Ilk some… condolences over the loss of her pet._ "

"How do you know that?" He didn't really need to ask. Ilk communicated with him on an almost daily basis, no matter how many times he told her not to.

Purple, meanwhile, for some reason couldn't get to open the door. "What on Irk…?" he pressed the button numerous times.

"Oh, _I know everything, My Tallest!"_ Zim said cheerfully.

Aha. "Look, what do you want?"

" _Well, I figured I could make her feel better if I sent her a little surprise!"_

Now _that_ made him react. "What did you send _now_?" Red asked. Please not another giant cat!

" _During one of my infiltrations we were brought to a sort of zoo consisting solely of aquatic creatures. I am confident she will be delighted to see them!_ " There was a crash on the other end of the line. " _GIR, what are you doing?! I told you to send one at a time!_ " with that Zim was off and the transmission was cut.

Oh, no… No, no, no! Control Brains, please don't let it be what he was thinking!

"Finally!" Purple cried out when he managed to open the door.

He quickly regretted it when a big current of Irk water rushed in and flooded the entire bridge. But that wasn't the worst part: along with the water came many aquatic earth fauna, mostly colorful fish, sea turtles, cephalopods and many others.

The only thing that kept the Irkens from drowning was the air bubble helmets their _PAK_ s had.

The navigators and technicians found themselves struggling to get away from the overly colored fish, Larb fought to get free from an octopus's grasp and Bob was attacked by an electric eel. Purple was yelling in fright as he swam away from a large carnivorous fish with rows of sharp teeth.

Ilk swam by wearing a snorkel, riding on top of a sea turtle. "Look, daddy! I'm the little mermaid!"

Red's eye twitched, especially when a sort of echinoderm shaped like a five-pointed star wrapped its limbs around his air bubble.

" _ZZZIIIIIIIMMMM_!"

* * *

**Speaking of the little mermaid XDXD.**


	10. Chapter 10

Perhaps the hardest part on having a young smeet on board the _Massive_ was the fact that they were still in the middle of Operation Impending Doom II. This meant that at a young age, Ilk witnessed things most her age wouldn't see until after completing the basic training.

This included watching how planets marked for conquest by her father and uncle were went through the Organic Sweep, its inhabitants either were exterminated or enslaved, and the planetary conversion team turned their home into… whatever dad and uncle fancied at the time. The last planet they conquered was made into a shopping mall, and its citizens forced to work in it.

The odd thing? Ilk _didn't like it_. There, she said it!

Everybody said their species was superior, and as such they could do as they wished, stomping out on inferior creatures to expand their Empire. Well, Ilk lacked that mentality. Superior or not, they were still invading someone else's home, destroying it and turning it into something else without any regard for how its natives would feel.

Ilk didn't dare tell her father this, however. He looked so happy every time they conquered another planet she didn't want to disappoint him, especially if he eventually wanted her to become an Invader herself (hopefully not).

She was surprised to learn Zim was not a real Invader, but that his 'mission' on the backwater planet named Earth was a ploy to get him away from OID2 and keep him from ruining it; apparently his knack for destruction was a bit too much even for Irken standards, and it ended up in him ruining the original Operation Impending Doom and nearly causing the end of their civilization.

Ilk knew she _should_ hate Zim, but… Okay, she _liked_ him, satisfied?! She didn't know why, though, maybe it was because he was the only Irken who was actually _honest_ 98% with her; everyone on the _Massive_ , her father and uncle included, sugarcoated or hid things from her sometimes. She'd give them a honesty percentage of 75%.

Besides, watching Zim break stuff was funny.

"Zim, how is it like to be an Invader?" she asked him through video-chat that night. She kind of didn't feel like joining the post-planet conquering party.

" _Ah, so My Tallest's smeet wishes to become an Invader just like Zim!_ " he said in delight. " _Well, all you have to do is gather vital information about your assigned planet's defenses and study the dominant species, then you disable their defenses and call the Armada for the Organic Sweep!_ "

"Yeah, I know that part," Ilk pointed out, lowering her antennae. "What I mean is how does it feel to interact with the native people? I mean, they must be interesting…"

" _The hyoomans? Interesting! NEVER! I assure you, they are the most pathetic, disgusting earth-worms you'll find in the whole universe!_ "

" _EARTH-WORMS!_ " Zim's defective _SIR_ unit, also known as _GIR_ (Ilk barely contained a laugh when she recalled what uncle Purple said the 'G' stood for), popped out in front of the screen, holding a bucket filled with squirming, slimy pink worms.

" _GIR, get those things out of the lab, you're spreading germs everywhere!_ " Zim snapped, pushing the little robot out of the way. " _Anyway, I can tell you more when your father and uncle bring the Armada to take his puny rock! I'm pretty sure you'll want to see the almighty Zim in action personally, right?_ "

"Yeah, sure, Zim." Ilk said with a small giggle. She felt bad for him not knowing his mission was an excuse to keep him away from the Armada.

A few hours later, when Ilk was in the kitchen looking for some trimisu before uncle Purple ate it all again, she had to hide under the table when she heard him and dad coming in. Thankfully, she was so small it wasn't a problem to hide inside one of the pots.

"I tell you, Ilk would make a wonderful engineer!" she heard uncle Pur's voice. "She's got the brains and wits for it! Heck, she even managed to hack into your data pad when she was a few months old!"

"Perhaps, but I think she'd do even better an Invader," dad said. "You just said it yourself, she has the smarts to successfully and I bet she'll be even better in combat. Who knows, perhaps we could even assign Earth to her."

"Wait a minute, you mean you're actually considering _that_ one?"

"Why not? I mean, they do have tasty snacks."

"I agree on that one." Ilk imagined uncle Pur taking a bit of the trimisu on the table. "And from what I hear, there's even more. We've only tasted a few. Plus, I want to see the talking earth-beasts!"

Dad probably rolled his eyes. "You've seen too many earth-films, Pur."

"Anyway, it really won't be up to us. It's up to the Control Brains."

 _Not an Invader. Not an Invader._ Ilk was chanting in her head.

Her _PAK_ would be put in her spine when she arrived at the Academy; from what she'd heard, birthed-smeets were given _PAK_ s made from scratch by the Control Brains, since there was no point in giving them another personality when they already developed their own. Perhaps that's how _PAK_ s passed to new cloned smeets had been created in the first place.

Ilk had never been in the presence of a Control Brain. The one located in the Massive was strictly off-limits to her until she had a PAK, her father said otherwise or the Brain itself demanded to see her.

She still found it hard to believe dad and uncle had actual 'bosses', she had believed they were at the top of the hierarchy until a few weeks ago when almost going into the Control Brain chamber only to be caught at the last moment by one of the technicians in charge.

So the Control Brains would decide her future? What kind of job she'd have and who she'd be? Hopefully they would put her in the science division, just like uncle Purple said. She wasn't sure she wanted to contribute in bringing down a civilization to its knees.

* * *

"Doesn't this count as invading privacy?"

"Not when it's my daughter. Now shut up and let me hear!"

Okay, he promised Ilk he wouldn't eavesdrop on her conversations, but she never said anything about sending a mini-probe through the ventilation system, right?

Lately she had taken to making 'friends' with lesser species on Spacebook; while many Irkens considered such an action to be unacceptable, Red saw no problem with it. In fact, it might even be used to their advantage.

"She's going to get _mad_ _at us_!" Purple chimed, snacking on some cotton-candy type of snack.

"What she can't see won't hurt her," Red said in a low voice, using his irkpad to see what Ilk was doing with the probe's camera. "Now be quiet!"

He zoomed in enough to see Ilk's irkpad, and noted she was video chatting with a young Screwhead. The mention of those yellow irked him ever since he learned of the massive escape they pulled a few years ago.

"So how are you doing, Smikko?" Ilk asked.

" _Well, It's not that bad,_ " the screwhead named Smikko stated. " _At least dad let me use the tablet again, though it will be a while before he gets accustomed to me being friends with… well, you._ "

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cause you problems with your dad…"

" _That's okay. I mean, I can't really blame him; he blames them for losing mom, but surely he'll come around… hopefully. How about you?_ _What about your dad?_ "

Red's squeedly-spooch skipped a beat. Did he know…? He was almost immediately relieved when Ilk said. "We're good. He spends a bit too much time in the laboratory, but other than that I have nothing to complain."

"See? She can even make up believable lies in extreme circumstances!"

"Extreme? She's just chatting with a boy!" Purple pointed out. "Anyone can do that!"

"By the way, I'd like to ask you something," Smikko whispered. "Is it true that the Empire is in war with the Sobrekt?"

 _That_ definitely caught both Tallest's attention.

"Raise the volume!" Purple exclaimed, pointing at the irkpad as he leaned in closer.

"What do you mean?" Ilk asked.

" _The Sobrekt have been talking about it. Apparently, two invaders stole a sacred flower from Sobr; ever since, the Sobrekt have been_ _ **very**_ _pissed at the Irken Empire. I've even heard rumours that they're planning something._ "

"Well, I haven't heard anything around here regarding the Sobrekt, but why would the Tallest want a simple flower?"

Red and Purple exchanged knowing glances.

" _That's what the Sobrekt are trying to figure out, but given the circumstances they consider it an act of war. However I think they'll take a while, they like planning ahead and being fully prepared before launching an attack of any sorts, especially if the enemy is as powerful as the Empire._ "

"Sobrekt, Sobrekt, why must it always be the Sobrekt?!" Purple groaned as he emptied a whole bag of chips into his mouth. "Bg dil, it wss just uh stupidd flowr!"

"At least we'll be prepared if they decide to actually initiate a war, though frankly I don't think even _they_ are reckless enough to do that."

No they weren't! Not if they were smart enough discover an invader, though judging by the way they reacted to that implied they had lots of guts.

Great, now they're using earth slangs too.

What worried Red the most, however, was the fact that Ilk would probably get curious about the whole thing with the flower; he had forbidden everybody aboard the _Massive_ that had testified the event to tell her anything about it. He didn't want her to worry about it.

Sadly, sometimes he forgot Ilk was a bit too inquisitive for her own good.

A few hours later, during dinner she asked him. "Hey, daddy, do you know of any invaders stealing something from the Sobrekt?"

It caught him completely by surprise to the point he did a perfect spit of soda right in Purple's face, to the latter's dismay.

"The Sobrekt, you say?" he said, trying and failing not to sound nervous. "Why, of course not! Why would we send invaders to Sobr? Those lizards are savages!"

"Weren't the Slaughtering Rat People savages too?" Ilk pointed out.

"That's different, they weren't fully sentient and lacked any technology to be considered a threat," Purple explained, wiping the soda from his face with a napkin. "Sobrekt, on the other hand, are famous for their hybrid creations."

"Hybrids?"

"You know, you mix DNA from various animal species to make a new animal with combined traits from all those animals," Red explained. "Well, the Sobrekt have a knack for doing that and they're known to send their… hybrekts to do their dirty job."

It was an understatement, of course. Nobody could hold a candle to the Sobrekt when it came to genetic engineering, not even the Irken Empire, and _that_ is something considering Irkens technically clone their offspring. Many tried to get their hands on the secret behind the Sobrekt hybrids, better known as _Hybrekts_ (Purple made it up a while ago, and everybody liked it so much it became official).

Those hands were sent back to their homeworld without their owners.

One of the assignments of that Invader sent to Sobr back in the day-yes, the one who lost his head and _PAK_ for it-was to steal the genetic hybridization research and send it to the Tallest in an attempt to re-create their own hybrids for militarization.

And we all know how 'well' _that_ issue ended.

"So you don't know anything about it?" Ilk asked.

"No, sweetheart. In any case, it must be some rogue defectives seeking to tarnish our reputation. Don't worry, we'll figure something out."

Purple nodded. "Yeah, it's not like they were trying to save a dying smeet from the-" he didn't manage to finish, as out of seemingly nowhere a toilet plunger went flying straight into his mouth, knocking him backwards. Ilk glanced back at her father, who looked away feigning an innocent look.

See? _This_ is what she's talking about!

Honesty percentage: _seventy_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, dear, looks like the Sobrekt are up to something. Just for the record, they are very vengeful. Expect them to bite back if you make them mad for some reason.
> 
> Smikko is a character from another story i'm currently planning involving the Screwheads, the yellow guys with the screwheads on their heads from Megadoomer. That one is parallel to 'The Smeet', I might tell you guys more about it when i've got it settled.


	11. Chapter 11

"I don't want to go, daddy!"

"Ilk, sweetie, it's only for a few days-"

"But whyyyy? I want to stay with you, daddy!"

Red sighed. "I know, sweetie, I wouldn't like you to go either, but it's too dangerous for you to be here. A space battle is no place for a smeet," He bent down on his knees to pull her into a hug. "I don't know what I'd do if something happened to you. Please, sweetie, for me."

After a few painful seconds of pondering, Ilk nodded her head. "Party when I get back?"

"Party when you get back," Red promised. "Now come on. The ship is ready."

Ilk picked up her primitive backpack-she needed something to carry her stuff due to not having a PAK of her own yet.

Her father led her to the hangar, where there was an automated vhook cruiser waiting for her. It would take her back to Irk for the duration of the conflict. What is the conflict about? Let's say the Resisty has 'inspired' other aliens to try and defeat the Empire. Poor idiots.

It wouldn't probably take more than a week to wipe them out completely, but the 'rebels' tended to somehow send assassins into the Massive to kill the Irken Leaders. Up to now they had always failed for one reason or another (mostly because of a blunder on their part), but Red wouldn't risk his daughter's safety anyhow.

Before departing, Ilk shared one last hug with her father and uncle Pur (who didn't stop crying the whole time) before she climbed into the cruiser and waved goodbye at them.

Being of the most recent models of the cruiser line, the Vhook could be put in autopilot and sent to any location with the proper coordinates even without a pilot. In this case, the vhook cruiser was cloaked and with coordinates to Irk.

Ilk stared at the _Massive_ and the Armada as she got farther and farther. She hoped dad and uncle Pur would be fine, but then she recalled it was the Irken Armada, the strongest force in the universe. They would be fine.

Yet she couldn't help but wonder… how was Earth like?

It wasn't that she didn't want to see Irk, her people's homeworld, but she could go there _anytime_. The Academy was there, the Tallest Tower was there and she'd eventually be sent there to finish training.

But _Earth_? From what she had heard no Irken other than Zim himself had ever been there. In fact, Zim's presence there was the reason no one wanted to go near that planet. She had asked dad if she couldn't be sent there instead, but he nearly had a squeedly-spooch attack and listed off all the reasons of why she would _not_ be put under Zim's care even if dad's life depended on it.

Well, Ilk had no intention of just being stuck inside the Tallest Tower and get bored out of her mind. She headed over to the console panel and started typing. If there was something she was good at, it was hacking into a system and making a few modifications. Thanks for your genes, dad!

_System overrun. Changing coordinates…_

_Destination:_ _**Earth**_.

Well, now she better call Zim and tell him she was coming, the least thing she needed was him thinking she was a random Irken who wanted to 'steal his planet', like he put it when he mentioned Tak in one of their conversations. She dialed the number on the screen. A few seconds later the call was taken.

" _Oh, Ilk-smeet! What a surprise!"_ the defective said on the other end of the line. He seemed gleefully surprised that she had called him. " _Did you miss me already? Hehe, what can Zim do for you?_ "

She wondered if she was the only Irken he was actually nice to, other than dad and uncle. Probably so. "Hey, Zim, turns out-"

" _Oh, wait, perhaps you want to hear more of my victories? Where do I begin?_ "

"Huh, Zim…"

" _There's the time I sent a whole planet into darkness twice single handedly!_ "

That planet was _Irk_ , Zim. "Zim…"

" _Oh, oh, and there's also that time I saved_ my _planet from the planet-jackers! The nerve of those guys, saying Earth wasn't marked for conquest!_ "

Oh, yeah, dad and uncle pur had a hard time when the Planet-Jackers called them to and claimed THEY had violated the treaty. Thank Irk, soon the issue was cleared up.

Most people would be annoyed at Zim not listening, but Ilk had learned how to 'communicate' with Zim, sort of. If she didn't interrupt him he'd eventually get bored of talking and would finally address the other person. Five minutes later, he was panting for breath from so much rambling.

" _Anyway, do you need anything from Zim?"_

"Well, as you've probably heard the Armada is going to face with a bunch of rebel ships and dad didn't want me to stay there. So he's sending me over to Earth so you'll make sure I'm safe." Ilk explained. It surprised her she had managed to say that whole sentence without Zim interrupting her.

Speaking of Zim, he had _that_ look on his face. The expression one made when they just learned the kind of information so shocking or so good they took a while to fully process it. Eventually a big ear-to-eat grin tsites his features, foretelling his euphoric response.

" _YES OF COURSE! ZIM WILL GET READY FOR YOUR ARRIVAL, BE SURE TO TELL YOUR DADANDUNCLESEEYOULATERBYE!_ "

The transmission was ended.

Another advantage of the zhook cruiser: its hyper drive was very advanced and it would arrive to Earth in an hour or so.

* * *

" _GIR_! GET RID OF ALL THOSE PIGGIES! COMPUTER, PUT REXY BACK INTO HIS PEN!"

"But we're having a piggy-party!"

"You _put him back in! That overgrown reptile already tore off four of my favorite robot arms!_ "

Zim ran around the lab moving random stuff around, either back in place or out of place. This was great! The perfect chance to prove himself to the Tallest once again! Tallest Red had entrusted his own daughter to him and he wouldn't let him down. What did smeets need anyway?

"Computer, do we have diapers?!"

" _Diapers?_ "

"Didn't you hear! Ilk-smeet is coming, we're going to need LOTS of diapers!"

" _You do realize she's has probably outgrown already diapers, right?"_

"DIAPERS! Argh, must Zim do everything himself?!"

An hour later an order of diapers and smeet-stuff arrived from _Callnowia_ , only for Rexy to eat all the smeet-feed and then throw it up on the lab floor just as the vhook cruiser landed in the hangar. Zim panicked and somehow managed to usher the tyrannosaurus into the elevator to send him back to his pen in the lower floor.

When Ilk stepped out of the cruiser Zim went to greet her. "Welcome, Ilk-smeet, I'm glad you made it to his puny rock on that- ZHOOK CRUISER!" his attention instantly shifted to the ship and soon he was fawning over it.

Ah, Zim. Typical. "Yeah, daddy and uncle Pur said you could… keep it."

"THANK YOU, MY TALLEST!" Zim shrieked happily and hugged the cruiser, muttering about all the things he could do with it. Ilk estimated it would last him about a week before he inevitably ended up destroying it by accident.

After the new ship euphoria passed Zim toured Ilk around his base. Ilk noted it was… outdated in comparison to other Bases of Operations she had casually seen in transmissions from other Invaders. It didn't take a genius to figure out _why_ , though.

The house on the surface wasn't that bad. Was this how human homes looked like? As soon they stepped from the elevator into the living room _GIR_ was running towards them, holding a fishbowl with a small but apparently carnivorous fish. "Hiiii, baby smeet! Here's a fishy for you!"

Zim panicked when he realized what he intended to do. " _GIR_ , you idiot, that's earth water!" He quickly jumped in front of Ilk just as _GIR_ splashed the liquid, fish and all, all on top of him as he received the water meant for Ilk.

She jumped back when Zim started screaming in pain and rolled down on the floor with the snappy fish biting on his antenna. She swore she even saw his skin sizzling and releasing steam. _GIR_ seemed unfazed about his master being in pain and had rushed into the kitchen, then came back with a human dish he called 'waffles'.

They were tasty. It wasn't that she had a choice, _GIR_ started screaming and wailing when she tried to decline them.

Okay, that wasn't a first good impression, Zim. Get it back together. Your reputation with the Tallest depends on Ilk being happy and thinking he's the 'greatest Invader ever', so he had to make sure she was content and overall unharmed. If she got one _single_ _scratch_ on her when she went back to her father and uncle it would be a one-way trip back to _Foodcourtia_.

This means he must keep an eye on Ilk-smeet all the times and keep her away from every single potentially-harmful things: water, meat and _bees_. But he had to go to Skool in an hour…

* * *

"Huh, Zim?"

"What is it you need, Ilk-smeet? Do you require another diaper change or is your tummy aching?"

"It's not that…"

"Never fear, once we get home I will be completely available for you!"

"Riight… And why did you bring me along?"

"What a better way to learn how to become an Invader than watching the almighty Zim in action!"

"I sort of understand that, but I mean why am I in a _smeet carrier_?"

"It's for your own protection, Ilk-smeet!"

Sweet irk. Sure, dad also insisted on treating her like a little smeet, but _this_ was ridiculous. Zim brought her to skool, indeed, but rather than letting her walk he put in her in a sort of gear that let humans carry their own smeets without using arms. Her disguise consisted of a human-smeet outfit and contacts to hide the pupiless, blood-red color of her eyes. They were scratchy, but she'd have to get used to them for the following days.

And so she was free to take a good look around the 'skool', term humans used for their own Academies. That's right, in plural, because there were lots of them dispersed throughout Earth instead of having a single one.

What caught her attention were the filthy-hyoomans, as Zim called them, particularly their height distribution. The shorter ones were offspring and the taller ones were 'adults', plus she found that it took a regular hyooman twenty one Earth years to be ready to survive by himself.

Pitiful, really.

Once Zim entered what could be called the 'classroom', Ilk noted none of the other children gave him a second look despite his unnatural green skin, the only part of his body-apart from his outfit and his PAK- he hadn't bothered to hide. From her observations hyooman skin could be brown, pale yellow, white, and the 'fleshy color' that didn't exist in the Irken color palette, but not green.

"Is that a baby?" one particular male hyooman with dark clothing, big round eyes and a sort of scythe on his head pointed at her.

"None of your concern, Dib-stink!" Zim snapped as he went over to his seat.

"Aww, she's cute!" One of the female tried to touch Ilk's hand. Ilk swatted it away.

"No touching, if you'd please."

"Aww, she even talks already! Can you say Sara?"

"How curious that an infant who casually also has green skin has such level of speech." The Dib-stink said suspiciously.

Ilk panicked for a moment until she noted none of the others were taking him seriously even though he pointed out something very obvious: she recalled newborn hyooman smeets are not supposed to talk like adults, instead they acted like she did when she was a newborn smeet herself. She had seen enough videos of herself as an infant to recall.

Instead of talking, the next thing Ilk did was to suckle on her finger, now causing all the females to come over and 'awwww' a bit too uncomfortably close to her and Zim.

The bell rang and everybody went back to their seats just as a thin, pale old female hyooman in black clothing slid into the classroom like a shadow. Ilk thought of a snake, especially when the woman's forked tongue-how can a human have one, by the way?-sizzled momentarily before slithering right in front of Zim's place. Ilk felt a shiver down her spine.

"Why did you bring a baby, Zim? This is not a kindergarten!" The woman's voice was cold and reeking with hostility.

"Oh, Zim just had a… little sister! And my 'parents' couldn't take care of her, so I brought her along!"

The scary woman in black gave a hiss. "If she starts wailing you're going straight to the underground classroom."

There wasn't much to say about the five hours spent in Skool other than the teacher, Mss Bitters(what an appropriate name) was scary, the Dib-stink was annoying and the food was surprisingly healthy with lots of sugar and grease.

Except for the meat. She had no idea of what the hyoomans did to it, but it fused to an Irken's skin and burned it. Other than that she didn't have much to complain.

After Skool ended (thank Irk, she was getting tired of all those female kids fawning over her) Zim was on his way home when they were confronted by none other than the Dib-stink himself.

"Okay, now that we're by ourselves you can drop the act," he said pointing a finger at her. "Who are you?"

"I'm…"

Zim interrupted. "You'll never know, Dib-stink! You shall never find the identity of Ilk-smeet, the almighty daughter of my Almighty Tallest Red!"

Ilk facepalmed. Dib blinked. "You just told me."

"LIES!"

"You _did_ tell him, Zim." Ilk added. "You know, if you were going to do that you should have let me introduce myself."

"Ah, so she's the daughter of one of your leaders," Dib concluded. "Interesting. And she's with you because…?"

"The Almighty Tallest have trusted _me_ to look after her while they destroy the Empire's enemies in space. Clearly they have faith that I will keep Ilk-smeet safe!"

Dib-stink half-closed his eyelids. "Or somebody got the coordinates _wrong_."

Ilk's antenna perked up and for a moment she had a panicked expression. Unfortunately, Dib noticed it. She had just _confirmed_ him that theory.

"You lie! LIAR!"

Irk, she better think of something before Zim got suspicious. "Hey, Zim, is there any fun stuff to do here?"

Almost immediately all his attention centered on her. "Why, of course! I said I'd take you around to celebrate my new Zhook cruiser, didn't I?"

"Yaay!" Ilk chirped, and noted the Dib-stink's confusion at the mention of the zhook cruiser.

* * *

_3 days later_

Mental note: _never_ go on a ship ride with Zim on top of the fastest Irken ship ever again.

It wasn't that he was a terrible pilot. He wasn't. The problem was that he knew no limits and he was too much excited over testing out the Zhook cruiser.

Other than that, though, she didn't have much to complain. Despite his big ego, sometimes paranoid tendencies and habit of not listening to people, it was fun to be around here. _GIR_ made tasty things (such as muffins) when he was not driving Zim nuts, minimoose was fun to play with and Zim was… nice, at least his own way. Well, nice to her at least, he clearly wasn't this 'kind' to anybody else.

Earth was fascinating too even though it did have its disadvantages, such as its highly-polluted water, inedible meat and pea-brained inhabitants.

In fact, it was so cool and she had so much fun with Zim that she forgot she wasn't supposed to be _there_ in the first place.

Later that day when Zim went to Skool and she stayed alone in the lab, Ilk called Skoodge to see how things were going back in the _Massive_. Perhaps they had already dealt with the rebels.

Skoodge's head appeared on the screen. Ilk waved amicably at him. "Hi, Skoodge, how are you-?"

" _Ilk, is that you?! Oh, thank Irk! Thank Irk! Are you alright?! Did they hurt you?!_ "

Ilk blinked. "What?"

" _The rebels, where are they keeping you?! The Tallest have been combing the galaxy for you!_ "

Ilk just stared at the Invader in confusion until realization dawned unto her. Oh, no. Dad had sent her to _Irk_. He must have panicked when they informed him she never arrived and thought someone had kidnapped her.

Shit, shit, shitshit.

"Skoodge, snap out of it!" Ilk yelled. "I'm _fine_! I wasn't captured by rebels, I'm with Zim!"

There was a moment of silence as Skoodge processed what she just said. " _Wait, what? You are on_ Earth?" Ilk nodded nervously. To her surprise Skoodge sighed in relief. " _Thank Irk! At the very least you're not in rebel hands! How has Zim been treating you?"_

"He's nice… in his own strange way."

" _Well, I'm glad you're safe. You've got no idea how many rebels Tallest Red has tortured trying to extract your location from- OH SWEET IRK! THE TALLEST! THEY DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE, I HAVE TO INFORM THEM!"_

"Skoodge, wait-!" Too late. The transmission had been cut off. Ilk sighed in dismay. It wouldn't be long before dad called or even brought the whole Armada to Earth. How would Zim react when he found she had lied to him? She wouldn't like him to get deactivated because of her.

" _ **Well, that was intense**_ _._ " The computer said.

"So you heard it?" Ilk sighed.

" _ **It was hard**_ **not** _**to considering he was yelling.**_ _**Looks like you and master are in hot water**_."

"No, there's no water here."

" _ **I know that, it's an Earth-proverb for when you get in a difficult situation in which you are in danger of being criticizes or punished; excerpt from the**_ **Cambridge English Dictionary**."

"Kambrij?"

" _ **It's a human academy for adults- Oh, incoming transmission from the**_ **Massive.** _ **Should I write your epitaph?**_ "

Ilk sighed. Well, better to be done with it before Zim came home and found out she had lied to him and now both were in trouble because of it. "Put it through."

The image of the _Massive's_ bridge appeared on the monitor, and the first thing she saw was dad _fuming_.

" _ZIM, I SWEAR, IF SOMETHING HAPPENED_ _TO ILK-!"_ Red froze when he realized it was his daughter, not Zim, who had taken the call. Seconds later his demeanor changed. " _ILK! AREYOUOKAY?! IVEBEENWORRIEDSICK! ITHOUGHTTHOSEDAMNREBELSHADCAPTUREDYOU! HOWONIRKDIDYOUENDUPONEARTH?! AREYOUHURT?! DIDZIMHURTYOU?!_ "

" _Red, calm down, she can't understand anything like that! Besides, you're spitting over the donuts!_ " Purple said, moving his snack bag away. He did frown at Ilk, however. " _But he has a point!_ "

After a few seconds of taking deep breaths, Red managed to calm down enough to talk in a slower pace. " _Ilk, answer me! How did you get to Earth?!"_

She couldn't tell him she had hacked the ship or she'd be in big trouble, but she couldn't let him think Zim was responsible for it when he didn't even know she wasn't supposed to be there. Okay, Ilk, you'll have to pin the blame of someone else. "I think someone put the wrong coordinates."

" _Seize whoever programmed that zhook cruiser and throw him out of the airlock!_ "

" _Huh_... _My Tallest,_ you _programmed it."_

" _Oh. Nevermind then!"_ Red rubbed his temples and muttered. " _I can't believe I sent my own smeet to that backwater planet._ "

"It wasn't that bad, dad. I mean, Zim was very nice…"

" _Zim_? Nice? _Come on, Ilk, the day he actually does something right your dad and I will go on a permanent diet_." Purple chuckled. It was quite a serious comparison, the idea of a Tallest without his snacks was inconceivable.

The elevator doors opened at that moment. "Hey, Ilk-smeet, how about we…?" Zim froze when he saw her father and uncle on the monitor. "M-My Tallest!" He automatically went into a saluting position. "How nice of you to call!"

" _Hi, Zim_." Red growled.

"As you can see Ilk-smeet here is perfectly safe and sound and she's had a good time! You can ask Zim to look after her anytime."

Ilk was pretty certain dad was thinking _over my corpse_. " _Yeah, whatever. Ilk, we will send someone to pick you up._ Please _don't move from there, I've had enough squeedly-spooch strokes for a lifetime!_ "

An hour later, another vhook cruiser arrived ASAP to take Ilk back to the _Massive._ Dad and uncle had completely forgotten about the zhook cruiser they had sent her in, so she guessed they wouldn't mind if he kept it. She asked the pilot if she could say goodbye, and he didn't seem to mind it.

"Bye _GIR_."

"WAAAAAAHH!"

"Bye Minimoose."

"Squeak!"

"Bye computer."

" _ **Please come by more often! You're the only intelligent person I can talk to!**_ "

When it came to Zim, though, a simple goodbye wasn't enough. In a surprisingly bold moment Ilk wrapped her arms around Zim's leg in a hug. "Goodbye, Zim." She heard him sniffling a bit and for a brief moment thought he was about to cry, but somehow he managed to keep it together.

"Goodbye, Ilk-smeet… Don't forget to tell your father and uncle what a wonderful babysitter Zim was!"

Ilk giggled. "I won't."

As the ship started lifting and she waved at them one last time, she noticed Zim had finally lost it. He, _GIR_ and Minimoose had embraced one another and burst out into tears. Ilk giggled as the ship left the Earth's atmosphere and entered hyperspace.

She was pretty certain dad wouldn't let her off his sights for a long time, but the experience was worth it.


	12. Chapter 12

At five years old, Ilk already showed signs of her father's intellect and prowess in combat.

By that age, birthed smeets have learned how to walk and talk fully and you could say they are the equivalent of a ten year old human child. When she turned ten (Irken) years old she would start attending the Academy, be given a _PAK_ and train to become a soldier.

Given her unique circumstances, though, she was pretty far behind in the skill department compared to the students she would find there, who were all made in the smeeterie and had already been given the basic knowledge and programming in their _PAK_ s, plus they spent their first ten years training and not lunging round in the _Massive_ with a parental figure.

Well, she didn't really lounge around.

She understood the expectations everybody, her father included, had for her precisely because she was the daughter of one of the Tallest, who was also considered a prodigy back in his Elite days; sometimes she wasn't sure of that, though, given how nowadays he and uncle Purple didn't do much other than eat snacks and order the shortest ones around, but they had simply mellowed out due to their positions.

Most of her time was spent training the basics of combat, warfare and many other things with some of the best crew members in the _Massive_ , and she learned everything with exquisite skill. The 'general knowledge about Irk-thingy (yup, she had as much trouble with words as daddy)' would be downloaded unto her brain when her _PAK_ was inserted, so they left _that_ aside for later.

But nevertheless she liked to read and learn on her own account.

It was then that she realized something peculiar.

Where was her mother?

In the beginning she didn't even know what the word meant. She found it casually after studying several species, and finding the word ' _mother_ ' in most of the articles and information. Curious, she looked for the definition.

' _A female of any species in relation to her child or children'_.

That got Ilk thinking. Her dad was around, but she had never met any female who to call mother. Turns out you usually need _two_ Irkens to make smeets. Even in the smeeteries, one needed both male and female DNA to create embryos, which in turn became smeets.

This meant she simply _had_ to have a mother, otherwise where would she have come from?

Ilk found it odd her dad had never talked about a motherly figure or even touched the topic at all, and she had never brought the topic up because she hadn't known. Uncle Purple hadn't mentioned her mom either.

"Is something on your mind, sweetie?" Red asked her that night, slurping on a soft drink with one hand while holding a doughnut in the other.

"I'm okay, dad." Ilk died, taking a bite from her own doughnut. She was still doubting whether she should ask him or not, not sure of how he'd react.

"Come now, Ilk. You know you can ask me anything, sweetie." Red insisted, bending down a bit to pat his daughter's head gently.

Okay, if he put it that way, here it comes. "Do I have a mom?"

Red did a perfect spit of soda that ended up on the floor and coughed a few times, even dropping his doughnut (which Bob quickly grabbed and ate before the Tallest could notice). "W-What?" he asked.

"Well, I've been doing some research and I found that you need a male and a female to make… smeets. _You_ are here, but I have never seen my mom around here and you never talk about her. I mean, I _have_ one, right?"

Oh Irk. OhIrkohirkohirkohirk.

"W-Why, of course… You _do_ have a mom, sweetheart…!" Red panicked, unsure of how to answer and trying desperately to find a way out of the topic (or conversation, if it was possible).

One of the scientists approached. "My Tallest, you're needed at-"

"Oh, right! I'll be right there in a second, sorry sweetie, I'lltellyoumoreaboutmamalater okay?Seeya!" With that, Red darted out of the cafeteria, leaving a very puzzled Ilk, scientist and Bob behind.

Once he was sure he was out of Ilk's earshot, Red gave a groan of dismay and frustration. Of all the times she had to ask _that_ question…

What was he supposed to tell her? The only things he knew about the female who birthed Ilk was that her name was Kit, she was a scientist and she died at childbirth. It was pretty common for that to happen since the Irken body was not used to birthing anymore. Usually it could be prevented thanks to the medical technology, but something must have failed for Kit to have died.

Would that be enough to satisfy her curiosity? What if she wanted to know more? How would she react if she learned he only took her in because he didn't have a choice?

This was _before_ , of course! He did love and care for his daughter even if sometimes he had a bit of trouble expressing it. But would Ilk see it that way?

Why did she grow curious just out of sudden? She had never wondered about her mom before, so he never told her about Kit's fate, thinking it wasn't that important. He was starting to regret not researching about that Irkenette when he had the chance; it had been five years since her death and her _PAK_ had probably either been given to another smeet or discarded if it was deemed a Defective.

As he walked into the meeting room, where Purple and many other high-ranking Irkens were awaiting him, the former noted he was worried. "Are you okay, Red?" he asked, taking a slurp from his soda.

"She's finally asked the question."

"You mean the one involving the test tube and the cold, unfeeling robot arm?"

"No. The 'M' question."

That was all Purple needed to know; he glared the other Irkens. "All of you, out."

"B-But My Tallest…"

" _Now_."

The crew-members walked out of the meeting room, and once they were alone Purple locked the door so they wouldn't be interrupted. "Okay, you say she's asked the question?"

Red nodded. "Apparently she researched about biology and figured out you need two to make a smeet. Then she got curious and asked me if she had a mom."

"What did you tell her?"

"What do you think?! I couldn't just tell her no!"

"Okay, let's calm down! Did she ask you anything else about her?"

"No, one of the guards came to tell me about the meeting, so that gave me an excuse to go, but what am I going to tell her when she asks next time?!"

"What do you know about the female?"

"Other than what I already told you? Nothing!"

Purple shrugged and took a slurp of soda. "I wouldn't like to be in your shoes."

Red rolled his eyes. "You're the perfect opposite of helpful."

* * *

While her father was at the meeting, Ilk decided to resume her investigation regarding her 'female parental unit'.

Clearly she was not on the ship, otherwise she already would have met her or she would have come and say 'hi, honey, i'm your mama'.

That could only mean she was back on Irk. But if 'mothers' were supposed to be ridiculously possessive of their kids during their first years of life, why had she sent her through space and to her father in the Irken Armada, possibly the most dangerous place for a little smeet?

"Hey, Bob."

Bob startled awake from his posture and looked turned to the 'princess'.

"Hi, Ilk, how can I help you?" he asked kindly. She was, frankly, the only Irken in the goddamned ship who was actually _nice_ to him, something he appreciated deeply.

"I wanted to ask you something."

"What is it?"

"Do you casually know anything about my female parental unit?"

"Oh…" Bob looked away. "Sorry, but I think only your… dad knows about that."

"The thing is I'm not sure he'll want to tell me judging by the reaction he had when I asked him directly."

Bob was momentarily speechless. He had almost forgotten Ilk was a birthed smeet, but she did not know it. She had no idea how the Irken usually created smeets and she researched the natural way, which in turn led her to wonder why she had no 'mama'.

Should he tell her? Would he be thrown out of the airlock for doing so? Oh, well, Ilk was so smart the Tallest would probably think she just found out herself.

"Ilk, there's something you should know about the Irken people. Our people," Bob said, quickly glanced around to make sure the Tallest weren't nearby and whispered hurriedly. "We do not reproduce naturally anymore."

"What do you mean?" Ilk asked curiously.

"As you probably know by now, the Empire is mostly a military force, and every military force needs soldiers. But since the natural reproduction takes too long in… well, you know, eventually the Control Brains started using DNA splicing and cloning to create smeets faster and who could report for duty as soon as they were bonr," He gathered courage to say the next phrase. "However, _you_ are… especial."

"Especial?"

Before he could find a way to answer, Purple's voice roared through the speakers. "BOB! REFILL, _NOW_!"

With a sigh of dismay Bob moved towards the doorway and down the corridor, leaving Ilk with more questions instead of answers.

Wait a minute, she could always check her own DNA in the databases (she accidentally found about it overhearing some scientists discuss) and see whose DNA was used to make her.

She headed towards her father's chambers to fetch the tablet; she had her own, but it lacked many features and limited her access, the DNA databases included. She took Red's data pad from under the pillow (not a very good hiding place, by the way) and opened the app she was looking for.

_**Welcome to Irk's DNA Databases. Please insert an eyelash, salivation, blood or any part of your body to continue.** _

A tiny needle emerged from the corner of the data pad. Ilk pressed the tip of her fingerprint against it just enough to draw a tiny bit of blood, which the needle absorbed before retreating back into the data pad.

A few seconds later, the results appeared.

_**Name: unknown** _

_**Height: unknown** _

_**Rank: undefined.** _

_**Female Parental Unit: Kit** _

_**Sperm Utilized for Fertilization: Tallest Red.** _

**_P.D.: Please report to the Control Brains for proper analysis and registration as soon as possible._ **

Okay, _that_ is weird. Bob mentioned Irken didn't reproduce naturally anymore, and yet here were the names of both her parents. She pressed the link to Kit's profile to see her information.

It was then that she found her mother was dead, but what she found perplexing was the cause of death.

* * *

For the first time in his life Red wished the meeting wouldn't be over soon. The longer it took, the more he could prolong his pending talk with Ilk. But sadly it was dismissed after two hours and he realized he had no choice but to go look for Ilk, trying to come up with a believable excuse as to why he hadn't told her about her FPU.

He found her in her bedroom, lying down on her bed, staring at the ceiling. When she did that, it meant she was thinking about something. She lifted her head to look at him, and for a moment he was afraid she'd snap. But oddly she said nothing, she merely dropped her head back down.

"Hey," Red greeted her, but again she didn't react. _Now_ he was certain she was mad at him. "We have a pending conversation…"

"Don't bother," Ilk said, her voice devoid of emotion. "I know it."

His squeedily-spooch squirmed. "You do?" How could he forget she was smarter than all the scientists in the _Massive_ mixed together in a blender?

"I checked the DNA databases."

There was a moment of awkward silence as Red tried to say something, anything. Ilk got ahead of him, though.

"How was I born?" she asked sadly. "I don't come from a smeeterie, do I?"

Red made a mental note to find whoever had talked to her about that to throw them out of the airlock. "No," he said sadly. It would be futile to try to lie to her. "You were born naturally."

Naturally… Like, she grew inside a female's body and then came out, costing the female's life in the process, but that wasn't really her fault, right? "I guess you never knew my… mother?"

Again, Red shook his head as he went over to sit down at the edge of her bed. "No. She got an artificial insemination and _my_ DNA was randomly chosen. You arrived here a few days later after it happened because as your father, I had an obligation to you. "

A part of Ilk was sad; this meant she'd never get to know her mother and the DNA Databases didn't have any pictures. It was more out of curiosity than anything.

Father and daughter just stayed in silence for what seemed an eternity, neither knowing what else to say.

"Did you have any parents?" Ilk finally asked.

"I wouldn't call a cold, unfeeling robot arm a parent, but sadly it's the closest thing most Irkens have to one." Red explained.

To his surprise, Ilk hugged him.

Though she wasn't the size of a tiny fruit anymore (she was the normal size for a smeet-child now), it would be a while before the growth spurt kicked in and made her taller, which would determine where she'd stand in the Irken society.

"Then I'm lucky to have such a nice dad."

Red smiled and returned the embrace. "And I'm lucky to have such a wonderful daughter…" he whispered. _Even though you_ _ **did**_ _drive me nuts sometimes when you were tiny_.

His antennae twitched when he heard something behind the door; he had the feeling as to what was happening. Red silently signaled Ilk to be quiet as he crept towards the doorway and pressed the button to open it.

Purple fell to the floor, Tenn landed on top of him, Skoodge landed on top of both, and many other eavesdroppers fell on top of the three.

"Get off me, you weight a ton!" Purple snapped.

"It's Skoodge, not me!" Tenn protested, defending her weight.

"Who's kicking my butt?!"

"Sorry, My Tallest…" Skoodge whimpered.

Ilk tried to contain her laughter. Red coughed impatiently, calling the attention of the all the eavesdroppers. They looked up at him nervously.

"Hey, Red!" Purple chuckled nervously. "So, how did it go?"

Red merely crossed his arms. "Didn't you hear through the door?"

Ilk couldn't help but smile at the sight, overall when all the shorter irkens, drones and navigators scrambled to stand up and get away. She might not have a mother, but she had a family… a very weird, big and entertaining family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was bound to happen eventually, right? I mean, by common sense you need TWO to make a smeet, and given Ilk seems to have gotten both her parents' smarts.


	13. Chapter 13

Things were going so smoothly it put both Tallest in a good mood. Operation Impending Doom II was being a success, half of the planets marked for conquest had already been claimed and repurposed and Zim was still faraway on exile in Earth; currently, though, after tasting so many tasty pastries and snacks unique to that backwater planet they _were_ actually considering marking it for conquest and turning it into a bakery/zoo mixture (the latter was because Purple was intrigued about Earth's fauna after so many movies).

Then there was little Ilk. For a five-year-old smeet she was quite tall, no doubt thanks to her father's genes; the tip of her antennae reached her father's knees. Since she wasn't done growing yet (and wasn't considered a full Irken yet due to being underage), her height was not yet taken into account, _but_ her blood relation to Tallest Red was.

She somehow managed to sneak out of her room-even though it was half-an-hour past her curfew-and go into the mostly-empty cafeteria. She silently opened the door to go into the kitchen, walked towards the fridge and slid it open to find some doughnuts.

"Isn't it a bit too late for you to be outside your bed, young lady?"

Ilk jumped back in fright, allowing the door to close again, and froze when Purple stepped out of the shadows, snacking on a bag of doughnuts himself.

"Huh, I was just…" Ilk tried to think of a good excuse for being out that late.

"And if I recall correctly, your dad said you _couldn't_ eat any sugar past that curfew either, am I right?" Purple continued, his face serious.

"Umm…" Out of options, Ilk did the only thing she could think of at the moment; she placed her hands behind her back, lowered her antennae and tried to give the most angelical look she could muster.

What? It worked with Bob and Skoodge.

Purple stared at his niece for a few seconds before sighing and opening the door of the fridge again. "You can grab one, then you go _straight_ back to your room. Oh, and not a word of this to your daddy, okay?" Purple grinned.

Ilk's eyes lit up and she nodded eagerly.

With the whole issue cleared up, Purple gave her some affectionate pats on the head before leaving the kitchen and going back to the control room, where his co-tallest looked like he had been waiting for him for a good while now.

"What took you so long?" Red inquired, mildly irritated.

"It's hard to find the doughnuts without somebody to tell me where they are." Purple half-lied, omitting the part about Ilk being there to steal one herself.

"Right…" Red narrowed his eyes, not believing him. It's _Purple_ they were talking about, he could find a doughnut with a blindfold on in the middle of a battlefield. He sighed. "Ilk went to steal another doughnut, didn't she?"

After being caught, Purple got on the defensive. "Come on, it's just a doughnut!"

"You talk much considering the last time she had a sugar rush was because you left the bag near her crib."

" _Cinnamon rolls!_ "

Red rolled his eyes again and a doughnut from his own bag.

One of the navigators caught something moving in the radar; after pressing a few buttons, he managed to identify it: it was another ship, not as large as the _Massive_ , but it was _very_ big. "My Tallest, a vessel of unknown origin is coming closer towards us."

"A vessel?" Red inquired.

"Oh, please don't tell me it's the 'Resisty'," Purple said, uttering the name with disgust. "Stupid name."

The navigator rechecked the radar. "N-No, sir, this ship is bigger, and it seems to be escorted by smaller cruisers."

"Run a complete scan and see how big it is." Red ordered. It had to be colossal, or at least of considerable size for its pilots to dare stand up against the _Massive_.

"Right away, My Tallest." Another of the navigators stated and pressed more buttons.

However, when he read the information on the screen his face almost turned pale.

"Well?" Purple asked impatiently after swallowing another bunch of doughnuts.

"It's a S-Sobrekt warship, My Tallest…"

The only sound afterwards was the two bags of doughnuts falling to the ground, and the swift movement of the various hands that reached out and grabbed the fallen snacks.

Red knew this would eventually happen, that the Sobrekt would retaliate for having stolen their flower, but something was… off. If they were as bloodthirsty and aggressive as the records said, why had they taken so long in sending a warship?

Purple, naturally, was the first to panic. "What do we do?! What if they attack us?!"

"Chill out," Red said calmly. "No matter how big their ship or their little army is, they cannot fight the entire Irken Armada."

That seemed to be enough for Purple, but both Tallests noted how the air had grown tense since they learned who that ship belonged to.

The closer the warship approached, the tenser the atmosphere became. Even Red felt a shiver down his spine.

If one could define Sobrekt warships in one word, it would be intimidating. It was almost half the size of the _Massive_ , painted in toned down green patterns and with the shape of a native creature of Sobr, known only to the Irkens as the _Indo-terror_ something.

It was scorted by smaller battle cruisers, whose dark, streamlined shape let them know it was designed for the sake of speed more than anything else.

Both Tallest tried to find comfort in the fact that the Sobrekt warship was smaller than the _Massive_ and they had the whole Armada at their command if they tried to attack, but it did little good.

The crewman in charge of communications jumped from his seat and unto the lap of navigator next to him when the transmitter started beeping. "We have an incoming transmission from the… _Tyrannus_ , My Tallest."

"Well, at least they _are_ better at coming up with names than the Resisty." Purple commented, momentarily out of his daze.

"Take it." Red said.

With a trembling hand, the crewman pressed the button to put the video call on fullscreen.

The bridge of the _Tyrannus_ was almost as big as the _Massive_ 's, and its navigators were much more lizard-like and less bulky than the crocodilians they had seen back on Sobr; probably a subspecies.

As mentioned previously, the invader assigned to Sobr back in the day never got the chance to send a report, so they knew little to nothing about it.

What they did know, however, was the crocodilian Sobrekt on on the captain's seat.

In fact, he seemed to recognize them too, given his golden eyes opened ever so slightly before giving the Irkens a toothy grin.

" _Well, well, look who we have here…_ " he said with a dry chuckle. " _If it isn't the two 'invaders'._ "

"Nice to see you again too," Red said sarcastically.

" _I guess you two know why we are here,_ _ **My Tallest**_ _,_ " the Sobrekt said, snarling the last to words.

"Oh, get over it already! It was just a dumb flower!" Purple said dismissively. He jumped back when the crocodile stood up from his seat and snarled, bristling his spines.

" _Oh, really_?" he hissed. " _Then you won't mind if I go to your home planet and steal all your_ _ **doughnuts**_ _._ "

At that proclamation, Purple grabbed another bag of doughnuts on top of Bob and held it close as if he were holding his own child. "Hey, leave the doughnuts out of this!"

Red decided to try a… diplomatic approach before blowing them up. After all, Sobr wasn't a planet he wanted to be on a war against. "What's your name, captain?"

The Sobrekt seemed to calm down for the moment as he crossed his arms. " _Captain_."

Red blinked. "I asked for your name, not your rank. The latter is pretty obvious."

" _I just told you._ "

"You told us your rank, he asked for your name." Purple started matter-of-factly.

The Sobrekt frowned. " _It's Captain!_ "

"Again, we want your _name_ , not your _rank_!"

The Sobrekt took a large, scaly hand to his temple and muttered something in his native language(probably a 'someone give me patience') and explained. " _Captain_ _ **is**_ _my_ _ **name**_ _, my_ _ **name**_ _is_ _ **Captain**_ _. Did it get through your empty heads now or should I explain it in terms you can understand_?"

Red and Purple exchanged glances before bursting out in laughter.

"Oh my Irk, his name _is_ Captain!"

"I take back what I said! They are even worse than the Resisty at coming up with names!"

Instead of snapping or snarling like most of the bridge expected, Captain merely crossed his arms again and raised an eyebrow. " _You're the one to talk, Purple. And Red? That's very unoriginal, do you name yourselves after your eye colors?_ " he pointed at an Irken navigator with green eyes. " _I guess his name is Green, am I right?_ "

"Hey!" Purple cried, offended.

Red noted they were getting out of topic. "Look, what do you want? Did you only come here to complain about the dumb flower?" he said, going straight to the point.

Captain gave a snort. " _Fear not, I'm not going to blow up your precious armada… yet. I wanted to make you an offer first to see if we can avoid unnecessary bloodshed._ "

"That's curious, because I heard your species has bloodshed for breakfast."

" _If you'll let me finish, here's my offer: give us the flower back and we'll leave quietly from where we came. Otherwise, I'll cause you a great deal of stress._ "

They came all the way here and faced being obliterated by the armada for a simple flower? What's up with that stupid plant, anyway?

"Could you give us some time to think about it?" Purple asked.

" _I'll give you ten minutes,_ " Captain stated darkly. " _No more_."

With that, the transmission was cut off on the other side.

* * *

Captain stared at the _Massive_ for a while after ending the videocall. He had to say, it _was_ a shipcrafting masterpiece, and understood why nobody dared to face it.

He wasn't here for that, obviously. Sobrekt are bloodthirsty, true, but even they know not to bite more than they can chew. Not only was the Irken flagship monstrously big, it was surrounded by the entire Armada.

They were not here to fight. They were here to take back what was theirs. And they wouldn't need to bring down the _Massive_ for that.

One of the Kryvtors (the raptor-like subspecies as it is referred in their native tongue) approached Captain and saluted, also tapping the floor with his long claw as a way to announce his presence. "Sir, the Retrieval Asset is ready."

Captain nodded. "Good. You know what to do next."

"Yes, sir!" with that, the Kryvtor ran back the way he came.

Captain stared at the _Massive_ again, licking his chops. If he was correct about those two 'Tallest', they would be too distracted to notice a small cloaked vessel going into their hangar. After all, there were two things Sobrekt were famous for (apart from tearing limbs apart from enemies): their camouflaging systems and their genetic hybrids.

* * *

"I say we give them the stupid flower and get it over with!"

"If the Sobrekt intimidate us that easily, the other alien races will start thinking they can just come and demand things!"

Purple yelled in panic. "It's the SOBREKT we're talking about, Red! They sent Tallest Brud a head! A FUCKING HEAD!"

"And a _PAK_ too, My Tallest." Bob added.

"Oh, thank you Bob! A FUCKING head and a _PAK_ on a silver platter!"

"Purple, we're on the _Massive_ surrounded by the entire Armada!" Red pointed out. "They won't be able to touch an antenna on our bodies! Besides, how do you think they'll react if we give them their beloved flower the way it is now?! That would be even worse!"

"So what do you suggest, call them back and say 'sorry, we liked your flower so much we're keeping it?"

"I think it's better than 'Sorry, here's your flower; oh, P.D, we used up all of it and it's now all withered, sorry for the inconvenience. Besides, the scientists think they're close to deciphering how to harness the… arm-regrowing back on place with bone, muscle and all thing."

"Limb regeneration?"

"Yeah, that!"

Purple seemed conflicted, but in the end he crossed his arms with a pout. "Fine, but _you'll_ be the one to tell them."

Red rolled his eyes. "Geez, thanks, buddy," he turned to one of the navigators. "Call them."

Some buttons, and a few seconds later Captain (Purple snickered again)appeared in the screen once more.

" _Well?_ " he asked, twitching the tip of his tail left and right.

"After some deliberation, we have decided to decline your offer," Red said with a shrug. "Sorry, but whoever finds it, keeps it." He waved his hand dismissively. "Now would you mind moving out of the way before we have to resort to blowing you up?"

"I'd like to see that!" Purple exclaimed.

Captain was silent for a few moments, and contrary to the Tallest's expectations, he smirked.

" _I had a feeling you'd say that_ ," Captain said. " _Very well, then. Don't say I didn't warn you_."

Red narrowed his eyes. "Is that a threat?"

" _You didn't pay attention, did you? I never said I'd blow you up, I only said I'd cause you a great deal of stress_."

Purple smirked. "In case you haven't noticed, we have the whole Armada with us while you only have that warship and a few cruisers. How are you supposed to cause us a 'great deal of stress'?" He hadn't finished the sentence when suddenly the intruder alarm went off and the bridge went red.

Captain's grin had turn into an ear-to-ear (Sobrekt don't really have ears, though, but you get the idea). " _That_ _way_."

The transmission ended and the _Tyrannus_ vanished.

"OPEN FIRE!" Red screamed, pointing at the empty spot where the ship had been a few seconds ago, but the laser didn't hit anything. It was as if there hadn't been a ship in the first place.

"I hate it when they do that!" Purple yelled.

"My Tallest, we have another transmission from the hangar!" the communications officer announced in alarm.

The hangar? "Patch them through!"

The soldier that appeared on the screen looked terrified, scared out of his wits, and any other synonym you can think of. There were bruises and bleeding gashes on his face. They heard a commotion in the background, along with roars of a yet-unknown assailant and screams from the soldiers, drones and whoever was at the hangar. " _MY TALLEST, WE'RE UNDER ATTACK_!"

"From who?!" Red asked.

" _WE DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS! IT'S BIG, BLACK AND IT HAS SHARP TEETH! IT'S KILLING EVERYONE, IT'S A MASSACRE- SWEET IRK, HE SPOTTED ME! STAY AWAY FROM MEEE-!_ " He couldn't even finish before a big blur of black lunged at him and ended his life, cutting off the transmission.

"What was that thing?!" Purple screamed while pointing at the static screen.

"The Sobrekt must have sent one of their creations!" Red exclaimed and directed his words to the Irken Elites present in the bridge. "Don't you just stand there! Go track that creature and kill it!" He pointed at a random one. "You, go fetch Ilk and bring her here!" She would be safer here with him.

"Yes, My Tallest!" With that they were off.

 _Ilk, please be safe_.

* * *

Uncle Pur had said only one, but she couldn't help herself and she grabbed some more.

Now she wished she had listened to him and gone back to her room.

She knew something was wrong when she heard screaming coming from the hangar, and she thought she heard a roar coming from there. Instantly all the soldiers, Elites and any Irken who could fight grabbed weapons and headed in the direction of the hangar, but their screams joined the cacophony of pain and terror.

In panic, Ilk headed over to the closest room she could find before the creature, whatever it was, came into the cafeteria, which was the laboratory.

"Ilk?!" one of the scientists cried in alarm. "What are you doing here?!"

"There's something out there that's killing everyone!" Ilk responded with tears in her eyes.

The scientist opened one of the lower pantries. "In here, quickly!"

Ilk ran into the pantry, which was big enough for her to fit in. "Ilk, listen carefully!" the scientist said. "No matter what you hear, no matter what happens outside, stay in and do _not_ open the door, understood?!"

Ilk nodded and the door was closed.

When the roar thundered through the air again, she knew the creature had arrived; the following screams confirmed it. Ilk closed her eyes shut and covered her ears when hell broke loose on the outside. It wasn't just the screams. She also heard glasses shattering, claws ripping through flesh, blood splattering and bodies thrown against the wall.

Then everything went silent.

Ilk took her hands to her mouth to contain her sobs, her antennae lowered to their maximum capacity. Her curiosity got the better of her, and she silently opened the door ever so slightly.

She couldn't see much, but she managed to discern some bodies and _PAK_ s torn apart and blood stains on the walls. However, she _did_ see the beast.

She swore it reminded her of the hybrid monster that appeared in one of those Earthen movies about the dinosaurs being revived as a park attraction, and then taken to a big house to be sold. It was jet black with a bright, almost iridescent yellow streak running from the base of its neck to its tail.

Thankfully it hadn't gotten closer to her hiding spot, and instead was clawing at a glass wall. Suddenly it picked up one of the bodies whose PAK was intact with his jaws and put it near the ID-thingie near the door to open it. The creature let the body fall and walked through the doorway; Ilk heard more glass shattering, and had the impression the creature was stealing something...

Against her better judgement, she opened the door a bit further, but quickly regretted it when it creaked.

Ilk panicked when she saw the creature's head turn in the direction of the pantry, and quickly shifted against the corner when she listened to its footsteps getting closer. Her squeedly-spooch was beating like mad, and frightened tears ran down her cheeks.

_Please don't come, don't come, don't come!_

The door opened.

If the animal was scary from afar, now it would give her nightmares for the rest of her life.

It's head was very big, its teeth stuck out of its mouth and its reddish-gold eyes had sprinkled red marks around them.

She thought it would kill her on spot, but it merely stared at her with what seemed to be a curious glint in its eyes. Ilk closed her eyes shut when it extended out its long arm, feeling the tip of its claws touching her skin in a strangely tender way.

"Hey, ugly! Mess with someone your own size!"

An empty soda can made contact with the creature's head, causing it to shift its attention to the doorway, where Bob and Skoodge stood. Their bravado was gone in less than three seconds, however, especially when the creature shrieked and lunged at them.

With the creature distracted, Tenn went out of hiding and went towards Ilk. "Ilk, are you okay?" She whispered.

Ilk couldn't speak, she merely nodded.

"I'm taking you to your father, I need you to be quiet, okay?" Another nod, and Tenn picked the smeet up.

Skoodge and Bob darted down the hallway screaming like little smeets themselves, followed by the creature; when Tenn ran in the opposite direction, however, it stopped in its tracks and turned around, spotting the Irken invader fleeing with Ilk in her arms.

It instantly changed targets and went after her.

"T-Tenn!" Ilk cried when she saw it was coming for them.

The irkenette placed Ilk in one arm and took her plasma gun in the other to shoot at the beast, but it did little damage to it. She did manage to slow it down a bit by knocking things unto its path until they came back to the hangar.

If the scene at the lab was a massacre, the hangar was a _bloodbath_. Sadly, Tenn didn't have time to worry about how it would affect Ilk later priority was to make sure she actually lived to deal with that first.

"Stink, Larb, NOW!"

When the creature crossed the doorway into the hangar, the two invaders ran a spittle runner right into it, crashing against the wall; the beast fell limply unto the ground, unmoving. Before it could even try to stand up, Bob arrived with an electric spear charged at max volts and electrocuted it with a panicked yell.

With one last shriek of pain, the animal's head dropped to the ground, apparently unconscious.

Tenn, Skoodge and Bob gave long sighs of relief and fell to the ground while Larb and Stink climbed out of the spittle runner to take a look at the black, lizard-like predator.

"Please tell me it's dead!" Skoodge whimpered.

"Well, it certainly isn't breathing anymore…" Larb pointed out, poking at the beast's side and receiving no response.

They heard a commotion coming from the hallway, lots of footsteps and a loud yell. "OUT OF MY WAY, FREAKING OUT SUPERIOR BEING COMING THROUGH!"

Ilk would have rolled her eyes if she weren't so terrified.

Seconds later both Tallests crossed the doorway, followed by a great number of Elites, soldiers and medics. Purple, though, stopped in his tracks at the sight of the bloodshed and proceeded to throw up in a (thankfully empty) doughnut bag.

Red, on the other hand, rushed toward Tenn when he saw his daughter in her arms. "ILK!"

Upon hearing her father's voice the smeet cried. "Daddy!" In less than three seconds she had jumped from Tenn's hold right into Red's embrace, finally bursting out into tears as he held her close, stroking her head and whispering comforting words to her.

"It's alright, sweetie, it's alright…" He shushed.

Meanwhile the soldiers had surrounded the unmoving beast, pointing whatever weapon they had at hand at it. Once Purple was done vomiting for the time being and Red made sure Ilk was okay, they warily approached the fallen animal. Given it's reptilian appearance, it was undoubtedly a Sobrekt beast.

"What on Irk is that?" Purple asked to no one in particular.

"Whatever it is, it was trained very well," an Elite pointed out as she looked around. "Just look at the disaster he made."

"Well, since the Sobrekt left us a parting gift, we should figure out what to do with it. We could dissect it and then blow it up!" Purple said, grinning.

"I'd suggest taking blood samples and see if any of its Sobrekt DNA may be used." A medic suggested.

Red wasn't really interested in the animal, all he cared about was that Ilk was safe and sound in his arms. "Those who brought that creature down step forward."

Larb, Stink, Tenn, Bob and Skoodge stepped forward, standing proudly before their leaders… wait, Bob? Skoodge was passable since he was an Invader, an ugly and short Invader but a soldier nonetheless.

But _Bob_?

"Bob, are you deaf? He said those who brought the creature down." Purple said in a dismissive way.

Ilk intervened before they could send him away. "He was the one who gave the final blow…" She whispered in between sobs.

Red and Purple exchanged looks. Oh, Irk, this meant they had to… _thank him_ too. But Ilk's well-being was worth that humiliation, so they exchanged solemn nods.

"Very well, then. You five displayed great skill, teamwork and courage by defeating a Sobr-beast that was much bigger than you." Red started.

Purple had taken to poking at the Sobr-beast with one of the spear. " _Much_ bigger. You're lucky you weren't sliced in half, by the looks of it." He commented, lifting its arm to take a look at its claws.

"Yeah, well, due to your heroic actions you deserve to be… well, given a sort of positive reinforcement-thing to let you know you did a good job in hopes you'll do even better in the future…"

"You mean a reward?" Purple said, half-closing his eyes in mild annoyance. Red and his lack of vocabulary.

"Yeah, that. But would someone please take that thing away? It's creepy."

"Right away, My Tallest!" one of the surviving scientist drones said. "Will someone help me take it to the lab?"

Ilk's antennae twitched lightly; she glanced at the Sobr-beast lightly, and thought she saw its eye had opened slightly only to quickly close it again when the guards approached.

One of the Irken Elites took notice of a sort of satchel attached to the Sobr-beast's side. When he lifted the cover, he saw the moondrop flower in its withered state inside its capsule, which was in turn inside the satchel. "My Tallest, it appears this… thing was sent for the flower."

"What?" Red asked. "All of this for that goddamn plant?!"

"I knew it! I knew we should have returned it to them, but nooo! You just had to play the tough guy, huh?! Well, I told you so!" Purple snapped.

"Well, now I have a good reason to rub it in their faces, plus the fact we captured their pet!" Red retorted. "Take those things back to the lap and dissect the Sobr-beast!"

This time, Ilk did notice the Sobr-beast lifting its eyelid and smirking. "Daddy-!"

She hadn't even finished the sentence when the Sobr-beast lunged at Red with outstretched talons and its jaws opened wide.

"MY TALLEST!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my cliffhanger. What will happen next?
> 
> A tidbit about the Sobrekt. There are two subspecies: the crocodilian-looking ones, and the Kryvtors, which are more of a mixture between a velociraptor, a gecko and a lizard. The latter are smaller, sleeker and are more employed as pilots, engineers, scientists, etc. while the crocodiles are the military backbone.
> 
> Just so you guys know, the creature is deeply based on the Indoraptor from Jurassic World FK. The Sobrekt are kinda like InGen people regarding genetic engineering, the main difference is that the former actually succeeded in their attempts to militarize their creations.
> 
> Don't worry, no deaths... yet. Bwahaha!


	14. Epilogue

This was bad.

This was very bad.

Very, very much bad. A catastrophe!

Red sat just outside the closed doors of the infirmary, his face buried in his hands, while Purple was pacing around snacking on whatever he could get his hands on; up to now he had devoured five bags of doughnuts, two of chips and about six servings of trimisu.

There were more injured, but Ilk was given medical priority for _obvious_ reasons. Meanwhile one single doc had to tend to the rest of the Sobr-beast's victims while the rest of the medics did their best to save Ilk and all her remaining body parts.

Why remaining? It's quite… disturbing.

That Sobr-beast turned to be much smarter than they anticipated; it _pretended_ to be dead, somehow even holding its breath for minutes and slowing down its own cardiac rhythm to trick them so they'd lower their guard. And when they did, it dropped the act and made one last move.

Red thought it would go after him. At first glance it seemed like its purpose was to kill him, but though the Sobr-beast _did_ lunge at him, _he_ was not the target, he just happened to be holding the real one. Before he knew it, the monster had snatched Ilk from his arms, and then sprinted out the hangar and towards the escape capsules.

He didn't wait to be checked before going after the Sobr-beast on his _PAK_ -legs. He managed to catch up just when it was somehow activating one of the escape pods; how the hell did it know how to operate one, by the way?! He didn't really care, his priority at that time had been to retrieve his smeet; but the Sobr-beast wouldn't give up its prey without a fight.

If only he had noticed its jaws had been holding her leg… If he had killed it on spot instead of playing tug of war as if Ilk were a mere rope… There were many 'if onlys' he wouldn't even know where to start.

The only thing that brought him out of it was the blood-curling scream that left Ilk's throat.

Everything after that was a blur; he remembered holding her in desperation as she cried her squeedly-spooch out, his hand pressing against the bleeding thump where her right leg had once been. He remembered the Sobr-beast fleeing into the capsule pod and escaping on it just when the rest of the soldiers arrived. He remembered Purple's panic-stricken voice when he saw what had happened and how Ilk was quickly put wound-closing gel and put in a medical capsule to be taken to the infirmary as fast as possible.

It had been two hours ever since. TWO HOURS AND NO ONE HAD TOLD HIM ANYTHING YET! WHAT IF SHE DIED?!

"Oh, Irk. Oh, Irk. Oh, Irk…" Purple was chanting as if it were a sacred mantra.

"Would you shut the hell up?!" Red snarled. "You're driving me nuts!"

"Well, sorry for being worried about my niece!"

"All you have been doing is eat!"

"Hey, don't you dare mistake my appetite with apathy! Besides, you know I eat when I'm stressed!"

"And then you throw up."

"It tore her LEG! Who wouldn't throw up after seeing THAT?!"

"That's the point, Pur! That monster tore a bloody LEG! What will become of her now, she's too young to have a prosthetic, she won't be able to become a soldier in that state! What if the Control Brains want to put her down! We have a situation here, we have a-!"

Before he could process what had happened, his he felt his right cheek hurting after Purple's free hand came into contact with it. After a few seconds, he found himself out of his panicked frenzy.

"Thanks, I needed that…" Red whispered as he rubbed the sore side of his face. "Ouch."

"Anytime, bud." Purple said with a shrug and then took a slurp of soft drink.

At last the doors opened, and one of the medics walked out with an unreadable expression. Red was instantly on his feet and looming over her. "HOW IS SHE?!"

"M-My Tallest, her l-leg…" she said in between stuttering.

"What about it?!"

"It appears… There has been quite…"

Seeing he wouldn't get a straight answer from her, Red pushed past her and rushed into the infirmary. The medics had gathered around Ilk's medical capsule; there were perplex expressions in their faces. If they were staring at the poor smeet's lack of a leg, he'd throw them out of the airlock!

When he saw the state Ilk was in, Red stopped in his tracks and stared at his daughter, aghast.

"So what happened, is she- holy Irk!" Purple stopped abruptly right next to Red as he looked down at Ilk, who was still heavily sedated.

Just then the Wonder Four and a Half-a nickname Purple had made up for the group of Invaders that saved Ilk; by the way, it's four and a half because Bob is _very_ short and not a real Invader-found their way into the infirmary to see if Ilk was alright, but had the same reaction as the Tallest. "What on Irk…?"

Ilk's leg was _back_.

It was _attached_ to her body as if it had never been gone _at all_.

Red stared at it in shock. _B-But how… that Sobr-beast tore it off and took it.. How is this possible?_ He had held Ilk as she bled out(he made a mental note to send his bloodied robes to the laundry later), he had pressed a hand against the injury where her leg had once been, so he was pretty certain he hadn't hallucinated the whole thing.

Was _this_ an hallucination? Red opened the medical capsule and tentatively reached to touch her leg, half-expecting it to vanish into thin air, but instead his fingers touched her skin.

Finally Purple could take it no more. "Could someone explain to me what just happened?! I mean, how did her leg come back?!"

The head medic from before explained. "It didn't 'come back', My Tallest. It re-grew."

"Wait, re-grew?" Tenn repeated the word incredulously.

"It regenerated, flesh, bone, muscle tissue and all."

"How is that even possible? Isn't that a Sobrekt thing?" Stink pointed out.

"It is, which is why it makes this more perplexing. Also, the scratches left on her by the creature healed on their own accord." one of the nurses tenderly stretched Ilk's arm, where the claw marks left by the Sobr-beast's claws were gone.

"Everyone, out," Red suddenly said, his tone dark. "I wish to have a word alone with Doctor Nee."

"Well, you heard him people! Out!" Purple said, shooing everybody out of the room, including the other doctors. "Okay, so what's the big deal?"

Red glanced at him. "You too, Purple."

"What?! Come on, it's as much my concern as it is yours-!"

" _Now._ "

Purple muttered something about Red being a 'knucklehead' as he hovered out of the room; Red proceeded to lock the door after he left, and put a sound-proof barrier in case they tried to eavesdrop.

"So you imply she gained the limb-regeneration?" he asked Nee, his hands behind his back.

"Yes, My Tallest. We believe it has to do with the Moondrop flower we used to save her life; if our calculations are correct, most of Sobr's flora also possesses mild regeneration it one should snap a twig of a tree, but this flower species in particular is.. Unique."

No wonder the Sobrekt were so desperate to get it back. They wouldn't want the Empire to gain access to the genetics that allowed them to regrow their limbs.

Still, Red couldn't help but give a sigh of relief. At the very least, he wouldn't have to worry about Ilk having to be put down for being… he didn't even dare saying the word. Not for his Ilk. "In how long will she wake up?"

"A few hours, My Tallest."

Red nodded as he glanced at Ilk. "Take her to her room for the time being. Meanwhile, I have certain… issues to take care of."

Nee nodded. "As you wish, My Tallest."

Giving his daughter one last caress in the head, Red strode out of the medical bay. He had to make sure all traces of this event were erased.

* * *

When Ilk started waking up, she felt like she had slept for hours, maybe even days. Who knows? As her senses started to clear up, she felt like as if she were back on her bed and a familiar hand stroking her head.

"Daddy…?"

"Hey, there." he said, smiling.

"What happened?"

"You fell asleep on the kitchen. And speaking of which, young lady, what were you doing there in the first place? I thought we already talked about having sugar past your bedtime."

Ilk blinked. She had fallen asleep on the kitchen? She lifted her covers and found herself with all her limbs, with no signs of injury or blood.

"What's wrong?" Red asked, concerned.

"I think I had a bad dream, daddy…" Ilk said with a whimper, laying back down. "A big black monster tried to kill me…"

"There, there, it's alright," Red shushed her as he stroked her head again. "It was only a nightmare."

"I'm scared, daddy… Would you stay with me tonight?"

With a kind smile, he nodded and lay down next to her, allowing Ilk to snuggle against him, even curling up just like when she was a little smeet.

As he watched her relax and go back to sleep, he couldn't help but feel guilty. He had never liked lying to Ilk, but this was for her own good; he'd let her think that horrible experience had been a product of her imagination. He had already made sure nobody would tell her the truth (lest they wanted to be thrown out the airlock), and most of the proof had been cleaned up.

Red gently nuzzled Ilk's little head.

_I will always protect you, my little Ilk. I promise._

* * *

Captain was _not_ happy.

And we was pretty certain the _Shuryo_ would _not_ be delighted either.

On the other side of the screen, slumped unto his seat of mithrilium (a resistant and hard metal exclusive to the Sobrekt race), sat the _Shuryo_ , leader of all Sobrekt. The old-looking crocodile had scars all across his torso, arms and face, but instead of hiding them he had them exposed proudly; they were the living proof of all his victories against opponents of any species.

If you don't believe it, just look at the heads on his wall. You'll even find a Digestor head.

Captain, and all the present crewmen, saluted and stamped their tails once on the floor, acknowledging him.

" _If you have called me, I suppose your mission was a success._ " the _Shuryo_ said with a deep voice.

Captain didn't even dare to look into his eyes. "I'm afraid it was a bittersweet victory, _Shuryo_."

" _What do you mean?_ "

One signal with his tail was needed for one of the scientific _Kryvtors_ to come forward, holding a capsule with a withered flower. The Shuryo's eyes widened.

"The Irken scum has killed the sacred flower, _Shuryo_ ," Captain said grimly. "There was nothing we could do to retrieve any of its DNA nor seeds."

The _Shuryo_ hit the armrest of his throne, snarling. " _They will pay for this sacrilege!_ " he said, his pupils gone to slits.

"It's not all lost, _Shuryo_ ," the _Kryvtor_ stated. "The Indokuro we sent to retrieve the sacred flower showed some… particular behavior."

"What do you mean?" Captain asked with a frown.

A few buttons on the datapad later, a video footage appeared on the corner of the screen. It depicted what the Indokuro saw during the assignment thanks to a special camera lens put in its eyelid beforehand. After it retrieved the flower, it started going after an small Irken child.

"The Asset got curious with a smeet, so what?" Captain said dismissively.

"The Indokuro was trained to _fetch the flower_. Why would it go after the smeet unless it sensed something?" the Kryvtor explained. "Besides, if you recall the additional… prize it brought…"

"You mean the smeet's leg?"

"Yes, we took a closer look at it, and we noticed it possesses the sacred flower's DNA in it."

" _Impossible_!" _Shuryo_ said.

"Actually, _Shuryo_ , if you recall, around the time the sacred flower was stolen there was an outbreak of Drilo's disease, and as we all know the Moondrop Flower is the main ingredient in the cure."

" _I see…_ " it didn't take long for the Sobrekt to connect the dots. The Irkens needed the flower for the cure to Drilo's disease, which they have to that smeet, and this in turn caused her to gain many of the Sobrekt's own genetic traits.

Just when they thought it couldn't get any worse.

" _Captain, I have a new mission for you_." _Shuryo_ said with a serious expression. " _Capture that smeet and bring her to me._ "

Captain gave a respectful bow. "It will be done, Shuryo."

The transmission screen went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, dear. Looks like things will only get harder from this point on.
> 
> Okay, everyone, given this story turned out with so many twists and turns I've decided to follow it up with a sequel. It will also center on Ilk and the Tallest, but there will be more additional characters that will give it quite a unique twist.
> 
> See you soon!

**Author's Note:**

> I'll explain a bit about my head cannon regarding natural-born smeets:
> 
> 1-. Those are not as depending on the PAKs to survive, since they were birthed alive and those. Those are given their PAKs when they are a bit older, the equivalent of a ten-year old human child, but the smeets' personalities are already developed. PAKs for natural smeets contain most of a normal PAK's function minus the personality thingy. Other than that they work like any other.
> 
> 2-. Unlike the smeets from smeeteries who can already talk, walk and are ready to start training as soon as they are born, birthed-smeets are like human babies: completely helpless and depend completely on their progenitors. This is why the practice has been mostly discontinued, it takes too long in producing soldiers for the militaristic Empire.
> 
> 3-. Another reason for the discontinuity of the natural birth is that these Irkens will have more free-will than the clone-made ones, due to the aforementioned reason of not needing the PAK to survive and their personalities being developed on their own accord. Clearly not a good asset.
> 
> I MIGHT make more of these if enough people like it and if i have an idea worth trying out.


End file.
